First Thanksgiving without my uncle among other things.

I hate death.
And I’m not the type of person to hate anything. But in this case I think it’s safe to say it’s okay to hate that. I know we are suppose to rejoice in it. Cause the ones who have passed on are in Heaven and are better and no longer in pain. This might sound selfish and in some cases I’ve been called a selfish person… but what about our pain here, the ones left behind? It just sucks. I guess I’m just in a mood since it’s the holidays.
Yesterday was Thanksgiving. The first one without my uncle. It was different. My uncle Patrick, Aunt Sandra and the kids are in Alabama so we had them missing.. so it just didn’t feel like Thanksgiving. I was laying in bed this morning remembering last years and it was when my vision started messing up again. When we had no clue what was going on and the topic of surgery came up with me. One of my best friends was in the hospitals about to give birth to her first son. Things were so different.
I remember sitting on my aunt’s couch and my uncle getting on his knees to talk to me about everything. Cause he couldn’t walk to me. And if I remember correctly we had just not long found out his tumor and the cancer was gone. They did all kind of scans and test and it was gone. It was a miracle to us. So he was trying to give me the courage to believe everything was going to be okay. Little did we koow it was going to be our last Thanksgiving with him. There is definitely a hole in our family now.
But this Thanksgiving of course just didn’t feel right. We did have Dana there and Kim who lived next door to him and helped them so much. As we sat there and watched the Miami and Dallas game. We laughed and joked about the game at how Robbie hated the cowboys. And he would make fun of Tony Romo. Of course the Carolina/Clemson game came up. He loved his Gamecocks. And Dana is all about Clemson. So I can’t say it was a bad day. We had some laughs. I did sit there with my little cousin Elizabeth and ask her about school, what she was learning. She’s in 5^th grade and she is learning, about people who invented things and the oceans lines stuff like that. So I questioned her. We talked about Benjamin Franklin and Mount Everest. Haha.
On a better note, I am doing a lot better I think. Mentally that is. Dealing with everything. The holidays are going to be hard. But I’m getting there. I have been seeing Rosemary and Holly at least once a week, which I love doing. I have so much fun with them. I got to see Caitlyn the other week. She is a babydoll. We took her to the park. She just had a ball playing up and down the slides and screaming. I did get to her talk to me once. I asked her what she was watching and she said Bob bob (Spongebob). she can brighten anybodies day. But I am doing good. I’ve been working on a project of mine that’s been helping and about to start another one that’s going to help me in other ways.
I know as it gets closer to my birthday and Christmas, it’s going to get harder. For the obvious reasons for Christmas. But when it was Charlie’s birthday we would argue (not really argue) over money limits for birthdays and the fact my birthday is so close to Christmas that I didn’t need two things and he would say I did. We were both stubborn and never let up on that. Maybe its silly to think about it. But it was a fun time for us. And it’s a memory, a fun one. I cherish it. His mom and I feel the same way about our birthdays and Christmas. Our birthdays are only 6 days apart. I’m not sure if I’m doing anything for my birthday this year. I haven’t really put much thought into it and really am not to excited to celebrate. Plus every year my birthday puts people in bind with other obligations. I’d rather not go through the hassle. Last year was a big deal to me. This year not so much. But anywys. I wanted to update since I haven’t in a while. I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving. Much love to everyone!

Getting things off my mind....

I know it’s been since I wrote about the beach since I’ve updated the blog. I’m going to be honest. I’ve been cheating on the blog with two other writing things. None which no one will get read by anyone (sorry guys). It’s my way of dealing with stuff. I’m also not going to lie, things have been hard lately. It’s not getting easier. Time suppose to heal right? I know it has worked before but this time I think its going to take a lot longer. For one it was just one person it was two within a month and it was Charlie. I’m not saying he was more special than my uncle. I think I had more time to prepare for him. I knew a year and half ago that with good treatment he had 3 years. Charlie’s we had hope. I think of him often and when I say often I mean everyday. a lot of things that go on in my life remind me of him. His bear sits beside my bed. I listen to his playlist we both kind of made a lot. I often wonder where we would be today. I’ve fallen in love with his family. They are great. On Oct 13^th we got together and did a Light the Night Walk. The Leukemia and Lymphoma Society put it on at Furman University. Our team’s name was Charlie’s Angels. Our team came in 2^nd with raising over 2,000 dollars. I think, if I remember correctly, over the span of all the walks that were put on over U.S. over 100,000 dollars raised or something like that. Which is awesome. Leukemia doesn’t get recognized as much as it should. I’ve learned a few things. Like every 4 mins someone gets diagnosed and every 10 mins someone dies. or is it vice versa? I get those numbers switched. I know they are right just not sure which spot they go in. Don’t get my wrong. I have a best friend whose mom is a breast cancer survivor, my grandmother is a ovarian cancer survivor and another friend;s mom just got done with treatments for ovarian cancer. But it’s sad that there are a lot of cancers that don’t get recognized as much as others. They are all bad.
But anyways. Yes I’ve been down. I believe I go to his facebook everyday. I still have his last set of text him my phone. I won’t read those because they were when things got bad between us and his was so mean to me. But every now and then I will charge my other phone and look at those. The ones I will probably never get rid of. The Charlie I fell for. The Charlie I got to know. Sometimes I’ll sit there and I’ll think of the days I would visit him and remember the movies we watched and the conversations we had. I think I’m scared it I don’t remember those I’ll forget them. I remember my first visit with him ever. First time I had seem him in 8 years, I had an appt at the cancer with my blood doctor after our visit. and it was his first time ever making usre I didn’t trip or fall.I think we were both nervous. He said he would make sure he fell before I did. Of course I didn’t want that. He didn’t need to fall and I didn’t need to. So I think right there started our protectiveness over each other. All we did was talk about the hospitals and all that jazz. We just had that instant connection. By our next visit oh something had started between us. We both had admitted to each other about knowing something was there but wasn’t sure about going for it. Anyways, On our next visit, we watched Walk the Line, in which he held my hand. My inner teenage girl was so freakin excited! I hadn’t been like that over anyone is suck a long time. I remember my stomach having the funny feeling in. And I believe that day he also made me a cd. That I will cherish forever. We both had that love for music. That’s another thing that connected us together. We talked a lot about movies and music. So go figure our first movie was Walk the Line. Johnny and June will never be the same. I even got him to listen to that country song Johnny and June and he said he loved that song.
He gave me the courage to do things. I never had fear when I was with him. He got me to go see my first movie in the theaters with my vision the way it is. That was Rio. Cute movie. I bought it. It came out not long after he passed away. Its still in the plastic. I can’t bring myself to open and watch it. I’m afraid I’ll cry. I’ve been talking to his sister Holly a lot lately. It helps. We are actually talking about going to the movies soon. So it will be good for my next adventure to the movies to be with her. Everyone is having it rough. I think we all are dealing with it the best we can. His mom and I talked about how its getting harder than easier. I know it takes more than a day, a week, a month, and in her case it could take years. But I just wish it didn’t have to at all. I said this to someone one day. I’d rather deal with the heartache of losing him, as a boyfriend and friend, than losing him forever.
The more I think about him the more I do wonder if I will be okay. I tell people I will be. But I’m not so sure. I know one day, maybe, I need to move on. Cause I know he wouldn’t want me to be alone. I mean two days before he passed he told me himself I will make someone very happy one day. I know some people are thinking you didn’t date very long or whatever.. But you didn’t see or know the connection we had. It was strong and it was fast. Nothing like anything I’ve dealt with in the past. I just hope he’s okay. I believe he is. I believe he is watching over me, his mom, dad, Holly, Jane, Billy, Jennifer, Riley, Chris, Brian, anyone else he was close to and especially his beautiful little Blue Bear, Caitlyn. Who just turned 2. It breaks my heart he won’t be here physcially to see her grow up.. But she will know who her faither is, and how great of a man he was.
Writing helps get it out. Today was one of those days I had to get it out. Thanks for listening!

My 12 day get- away!

Sorry I haven't really been writing much lately.. Some things have been going on..... With me personally... but anyways. I had said I would write about my beach trip and that is what I amm doing.

On September 1, I had a check up in Charleston (which I got good news!) The news was that I could see a little bit better out of my right eye, which is my most damaged eye. I thought after all the stress I had been under and the crying it had gotten worse. I still don't see a difference. But according the charts and what I could read it's gotten a little better.

Anyways, also that day I went an hour and half away from there to Myrtle Beach. To my friend Jenifer's house, where I use to live to visit for 12 days. When I got back and hack and had to get my inr checked, the lady, who I adore, was talking to me about it she said I didn't go on vacation it was a getaway. I instantly felt better. I was 4 hours away from all the sadness and stress of everything. Though the trip did bring some sadness with it. I had been putting off my beach trip since April or May for Charlie. Because when I was at the beach, he was suppose to be in Charleston getting the tramsplant. So of course I thought of him a lot. But he is always on my mind. That's aaother update to come.

The first thing I did when I arrived there was go to the beach. My dad took Jessica and I(Jessica is one of my awesome friends who takes time out of her schedule and goes to Charleston which us in case I got to go to the restroom, in case you don't know her) to the beach. I started feeling nostalgic for when I use to live there. And this time seeing the ocean my vision didn't act funny which was awesome. After that he took me to where I was staying. Now the people I was staying are really great people. Like a another family to me. I seem to have a lot of those.

My full day there, I got a tattoo. My first one ever. I had this plan for a while just didn't know for sure if I was going to get it then or not. I have nothing against tattoos obviously but I don't believe in just getting them just because eveyone else is getting them. I've always said if I got one I wanted it to mean something to me. Well a month or so before I went I came up with something I wanted. A cross with angel wings. I wanted the eyes in the wings but the eyes are too big so it would have been huge if I had done that. And all the colors been something. Besides the color or the cross. The artist picked that out. The eyes are green... And the reason for that is 1. my eyes are green 2. When looking up color awareness for cancers I came across eye injuries color was green. 3. lymphoma cancer which one of my grandpa's passed away from. It's actually lime green but they told me green would work. Orange is for Charlie (leukemia) Grey is for my uncle (brain cancer) and white is suppose to be an off white color for lung cancer but I guess I can its for bone caner which my other grandpa had both. Also white can stand blindness. It was an expericnce. Wasn't bad as people make it out to be. I'd do it again. The next day we went to broadway at the beach. Where I went to build a bear for the first time ever. And they now have this place called Wonderworks... It looks like an upside down house. And everything looks upside down. I don't know what's on the inside but outside is pretty cool.

I spent most of the week at the house. Jenifer had school. But I had fun. I got to spend time with Mary, Melissa and little miss Caydence. One of those nights we went to the boardwalk, and got ice cream and to see the sky wheel. Which a few nights later went back to so I could get pictures of it with the lights on. That thing is huge. After the week passed that weekend we had it all planned. On that friday Jenifer and I went to Brookgreen Gardens. That place is gorgeous. If you have never been there I highly recommend it. It cost $12 to get in but the tickets are good for 6 days from purchase. Because the place is so huge and you have so much to do. It's actually part of the history of Hungtington Beach. The pagasus is my favorite spot and if I ever get married and have the money to get married there. That spot right there is where I want to get married. They have a zoo, swaps you take a boat through, Jenifer and I had fun cause we kept our eyes out for alligators. They have signs up do not feed or touch alligators... keeps look our for poisonous snakes, alligators, and stinging insects. But that was only near the marsh area. In the gardens they also had a labyrinth. We walked the whole thing. And it some says it symbolizes a new beginning. And what you're suppose to do is as you are walking it think of all the stuff you are thinking been through in the last year and when you get in the middle you take a deep breath and let it all go. It's like a new beginning.

On Saturday we went to Waccatee Zoo. It was Jenifer, Mary, Caydence and I. Caydence was cute trying to feed the animals. She just want to throw it at them. This zoo isn't like any other zoo I've ever been to. All these animals have been donated to them. I don't know which animal I liked more. The one felt more bad for the most was the gorilla. He was in his own little pen alone, far back. We had to stand there for about 10 minutes before I could actually see him. The cute thing about him is he has a dog a pet. The dog you can pet. The dog has one blue eye and one brown eye I believe. But this zoo is like out in the woods. Like way out in the woods. It was neat.

On Sunday, us for we to Hungtington State Park to go to Atalaya's Castle. This is really neat. Who knew South Carolina had a castle here. I sure didn't. Well it's ruins of a castle. This is what I understand and Brookgreen Gardens is part of this story also, Arthur Huntington had it built for his wife because she got sick, I think and the reason why he had it built on the coast is because he believed the salt water had healing powers. This place is so neat. They have some places blocked off like downstairs which it being a castle you can only assume its a dungeon. You can see the servants rooms, their master bedroom, bathroom, kitchen, the icebox, the studio(inside and out) They even have a bathroom with all the original stuff in it.. you just can't go in it. They have it blocked off with like plexi-glass or something like that. But how Brookgreen Gardens comes into it, the wife was a sculptor. Hence the sculptor garden. Another highly recommended place to go.

I came home on the 13^th. I hated leaving. My last night there Jenifer and I went to the beach and walked. I got an awesome picture of the ocean with the full moon light on it. But we just walked and talked. Overall I think the trip did me some good. I know I have been through a lot. And needed time away. Now I think I can deal with what I need to. While I was gone I got some thinking done and have some major changes ahead of me. But changes for the good. I can thank Jenifer and her family for having me and letting come down there. And helping me. Cause they really did.

My family's week of faith and test.

On the day of Robbie's passing, we had an earthquake. Scientist and the news can call it and say it was a natural disaster all they want but all of us know it was Robbie making his own entrance into heaven. I asked for a simple rain storm, but you know Robbie, he had to do things his way. If you knew Robbie really well then you knew he had a big amazing heart. He cared a lot for his friends and family. No matter what. He stuck by them. He was the type of person to give you the shirt off his back. He always knew how to make people laugh at their time of need. Robbie was Benny's pride and joy, Carol's first baby boy, Lee's protector, Kelly's best friend and Patrick's keeper. Most of all he was Dana's world and Ashley's hero. All of his nieces, nephews, stepkids and grand babies thought the world of him and couldn't get enough of him. He had a lot of friends who thought the same too. I wish I could name them all standing here but then we would be here all day. There is one thing we all know is no matter what we are one extended family. Throughout this Robbie found his faith in God and it never faltered. Robbie was and will always be an inspiration to me and to many for the many battles he has had to face. And that this isn't goodbye cause we will see him again one day, His nieces and nephews want him to know that they love him and will miss him. But they know he is no longer in any pain and whenever they go outside look up to the sky they will smile cause they know he is looking down on them smiling. As I close I have a poem his daughter, Ashley wanted to be read

God saw you getting tired
and a cure was not to be
so he put his arms around you
and whispered,
"Come to Me"
With tearful eyes we watched you
and saw you pass away
and although we love you dearly
we could not make you stay.
A Golden heart stopped beating
hard working hands at rest.
God broke our hearts to prove to us
He only takes the best
I love you Daddy
I'm going to miss you, Ashley


I know this should have been put up like 3 weeks ago. But I went on vacation and I really didn't want to write on vacation. I already had to work on the dvd... and after today I will try to put that up on facebook if I can.


My uncle was a great man. I loved him so. And if you could of seen the receiving friends you wold of seen all the types of people who were there. I mean he had people from the Hell's Angels, the Spartans and the Warlocks.. the people he rented from... friends from everywhere. People he worked... people he grew up with and hadn't seen in years. My grandma even got a letter from someone that grew up with Robbie in Saxon telling her of a story.. This is the type of guy he was... Here is that story... This guy was name Todd. And he said he was about to start high school so he had to be about 15 or so... and he was sitting out of his front porch thinking of how other people were buying new clothes and shoes for the school year and his family was barely getting by with food on the table... He kept looking down at the his old raggedy shoes. Robbie come up and sat down to talk to him.. and asked him how he was doing and just started talking to him. Well Robbie noticed Todd looking down at his shoes so Robbie asked to switch shoes to see if they wore the same size... so they did...After sitting there talking a little while longer, Robbie got up and said “well I better get going before it gets too dark” Todd went to go take off the shoes and Robbie told him to keep them... The shoes were fairly new..... My grandma never knew that until after my uncle had passed. He was an amazing man..


Now for the events that unfolded at the week before he passed if you didn't see my status updates... That week was so crazy and emotional. And had so many ironic things. If I wasn't a believer in irony/miracles or things like that before than I am now.


Not long after getting there he went into a coma like state. He really didn't respond. That room was packed. I know when the doctor came into checked and looked around he said you have a very extendly large family. Now these events might not go in order... he went in on a thursday night... so that friday we noticed two red cardinals hanging out by the patio there. If you have never been to the hospice house they have a little patios outside the rooms which can be quite peaceful on a good day. My great great grandmother loved birds and my grandma loves cardinals so she say when she sees them she says its her grandmother looking out for her and my aunt says its my grandpa(her daddy) looking out for her.. Those birds hung around till Monday. And on Monday there were 3. Tuesday they day of his passing they never came back. They say birds carry your souls. It's one of the ironic things. Gives me chills bumps... all of this does. On saturday I believe maybe it was still friday his hands were starting to feel cold.. reminded me of Charlie's. That's what I told them too. So we were thinking it wasn't going to be long. Then the next day. Which I do believe it was sunday he breathing had stabilized and color returned to him...


I was thinking what is Robbie doing? Anyways that same day... we lost him for 59 seconds... I'll never forget that day. I was sitting on the couch with his daughter Ashley and we were both distracted by the laptops... two of his childhood friends were there... Dana his wife and someone else was in there. Everyone else was across the hall in the canteen. He took this funny breathe...So we all kind of just stopped for a minute till the nurse came in and we told what happened and all she said was I believe that was it... so she started checking... She was about to call time of death..by that time everyone had already crowded the room crying... and he started breathing again . But at first they were saying it was reflex breathing that he was really gone...then a nurse asked if he was a jokester and we said yes.. she said he was playing one on us. We believe he heard everyone crying and it scared him and he didn't want to leave. Another nurse said she has worked there for over 20 years and has never seen anything like that ever.


That monday when we got up there he was being responsive. He was grunting and moving his left arm around. That day I told my mom he is waitng to be alone I can almost guarantee it.. he doesn't want anyone to see him go. That night I talked to him.... it was just he and I in the room, I told him about Charlie and told him it was okay and we were alone... and he kept grunting... makes me wonder if I had left him alone for a few minutes if he would of went.. The next morning, which is tuesday, That morning he was panting... and the nurse said it was matter of hours... so we were all rushing to get ready of who all wanted to be there. Dana and my grandma left the room to get coffee and wait on everyone... Well while they were in the canteen this black lady came in... my aunt said she looked like she was a patient there... They hadn't seen her before. She came in humming a song and the only words they could make out was Jesus... she came by patted Dana on the shoulder went to the sink came back by did it all over again to my grandma and Dana. 2 secs later the nurse came in and said he was gone... a few hours later we had a earthquake. Like I said earlier in my speech I asked for a rain storm.


The irony in the black lady is.. I haven't read the book but the sunday school teacher told us... in that book the shack... jesus appears as a black lady and singing songs or something like that. The last ironic thing is we buried him the same day I started fighting for my life a year ago. Anyways this is what my week was like. I know its not much saying about my uncle... but I can't really say much besides he was a great amazing man... always made someone laugh.. would give the shirt off his back to someone. He had such great faith and it never faltered even though he knew he was dying.. Most people when they are in that situation they turn they other way and he didn't. He got baptized. And he would even brag about seeing Jesus before everyone. He would lift you up even when he was down. He was a great man.

My year to remember!

I was going to write this later on in the week but under the circumtances I might not be able to get it all out. Friday will be one year my life changed forever. I've changed so much in the last year. In the last year I've almost died, lost my eye sight, had my first time flying on a helicopter no less, first hospital stay, first surgery, lost my life (metaphorically speaking), feel in love, lost some friends, but gained some of the best I could ever ask for, gained a whole new family( who I adore tremendously), lost 2 of the most important people of my life and I've gotten back in church, found my way. So that's a lot for one person to go through in one year.

I've changed so much in just a year. I've come to find out just how strong I am and how much I can handle. I've come to see who my friends are. My true friends. I've gotten closer to my cousin Tiffany. I've lost plenty of friends and it seems I'm still drifting from some of them. But I know that's part of life. It happens. I've gained some amazing friends too and another family. Who I don't know what I'd do without and I'd do anything for. I'm going to say this has been the hardest year of my life and I hope they don't get any harder. I know life isn't suppose to be easy. I knew that from the very beginning. I'm very thankful for what and who I have in my life. I appreciate people and things more. I cherish those around me and I soak those things up and have learn to make as many memories as possible.

Almost losing your life can scare you. And I know most of you are thinking well duh! But unless you had it happen you don't know what I'm talking about. My friend Aamber told me after what happened to me and then knowing about Charlie before she met him that day, she has come to appreciate things and life more. I hope she isn't the only one. I hope to one maybe touch others with what happened to me. And let them know what I've been through and show them here I am still standing smiling and I'm okay. Sometimes my family my mom in-particular and I know she is going to read this, treats me like I'm a fragile glass doll. I'm not. I'm strong always have been. I have my moments where I am weak and I break down, I know who I can call to pick me up. And I know who I can pray to also pick me up. My faith has never been stronger.

I believe this happened for a reason besides a medical reason. I lost my eye sight for a reason. I believe I'm slowly finding it out. I've been through what I have for a reason. Some things have shown to me and some are still hidden waiting for me to figure out. And maybe I won't ever know them. Maybe it's something my family will have to figure it out. Besides the whole fighting for my life and having to get use to my eye sight, I think losing Charlie and my uncle Robbie has been the hardest things this year. If you've been reading you know about Charlie and if you've been keeping up with my status' on facebook you know about my uncle passing around on the 23 of August. I do have something wrtten out for him but I'm reading it at his service so that will be posted after his service on Friday. I want them to hear it first. But I will tell you something ironic. It gave my aunt Sandra cold chills. The day we lay him to rest will be the day of my one year I had started my fight to live. I say my uncle planned it. I know he didn't. There was a lot of ironic things that I will have to tell you guys about after Friday but that was one I wanted to share.

Things are different now. And things will never be the same. I'm still the same Stephanie. Slightly different. I'm happier. I'm sadder. I'm stronger. And I love a lot more. A lot of people hope to one day change the world, well I'm one of those people. And I hope one day I can get my year out there and change someone's life. It only takes one person. I had one person change mine. Well technically 2 so now maybe I can tell their story since they are no longer with us and mine and that can change someone elses' life. I know I told Charlie at one point everybody has a story to tell and some are worth being written out and told. Anyways this may not be exactly what I wanted to write but my mind is going everywhere this morning. But this is my year to remember in a nut shell. <3

The Who's,what's. when's. where's. how's and why's

There are things in our lives that we will never understand. Things that are beyoud our control. But we always wonder those questions. Why was I given this life? Why did both my grandpas' get cancer? Why is it that Kenny got to do what he did and still gets the good life and I end up blind and alone? Why did Charlie get leukemia and none of the treatments work? Why is my uncle suffering with cancer? Why do kids go without every day? And then there are the how's... How can they be some much money for cancer research but yet no cure? How can we live each day knowing one day the person or even ourselves one day we won't be here? The What's...What will happen after we are gone? What will our future hold(which we have always wondered since we can remember) even what's going through that person's head as they do something? ...Who's.. Who will take care of things? Who is responsible for things? Who will step up and take the responsibility? Who gets to say this is what's going to happen in my life, I get to decide that, Who is the right person for us? Where's... Where is this life going? Where do I want to go? Where is everything I dreamed of? And finally When.... When will it be my turn? When will things start to look up? When does things start to make sense?

We've all asked those questions at one point in time. If not all. Maybe not the exact ones but they might be worded different. I know I have. Especially in the last year. I've written about Charlie before and I'm not going through that story again. But meeting up with him again and getting back in church(which I'm not going to get all preachy) and I'm currently reading a book the preacher gave me to read and to me I know the answer to all these questions.

Faith. I've always had a big thing about faith. All my life I have. I've lost my faith or well it has faltered a time or two. But you gotta have faith that things will work out. That things happen for a reason. Either it may be good or bad but in the end it happened for a reason. Now I'm not saying faith is why Charlie passed away. But we gotta have faith to know that there is a reason why is he is no longer here. And faith isn't why my uncle is suffering from cancer but we gotta have faith that maybe just maybe he can magically be healed or that he won't suffered for long. I've learned faith is believing even when nothing seems fair... and Trust me I know a lot about things not being fair.

I am going to talk about church for a little bit here. I'm not the type of person to push my beliefs onto someone. Everyone has their own beliefs and the way I look at it is everyone is right but everyone isn't. We can't prove no one wrong in their beliefs. As long as you know what you believe and stick to it why argue over or judge someone? I have plenty of friend of different religions. Or that don't believe. That doesn't change mine. On July 31^st and yes it happens to be the very same day Charlie passed away, I made the decision to join Anderson Mill Road Baptist Church. Not even 3-31/2 hours he passed away. And I said I was going to take it as a sign I was right where I needed to be. The wednesday before I had sat down with the preacher and had an hour long talk with him about everything in my life. My health, my uncle and Charlie. I started off telling him I'm not the person to talk to someone about my problems and i'm not.. I deal with them on my own. And I hate crying in front or to someone. So he knew it was a big deal for me to have never met him that I was sitting beside him. I've never been so honest with someone about everything in my life. I went in there feeling I had all the troubles and worries of the whole world on my shoulders and left feeling like it was all gone. He told me that he believed I was brought to that church for a reason. I had been a member and felt comfortable in a church since my days at Saxon and that has been well over 10 years ago. So i'm excited ahout this new journey I have going. I'm not going to change. I'm still ol' Stephanie. Just happy. I'm going to have my moments of depression cause lets face it... go through what I have in the last year and lets see who doesn't get depressed. <3

Rest in peace, Charlie. Heaven got a little bit brighter

Yesterday, this world lost a great person. And everyone he knew gained a guardian angel. I'm human so naturally I want to be selfish and want him back on this earth, but I'm glad he isn't suffering anymore and is in a better place. And I know that. Charlie wasn't just my best friend, he became my angel from the start. I can tell this story over and over. So I will. Back in March, I was giving up. Who wouldn't. I'm blind, at the time it seemed I was losing everything. All I did was lay in my bed and do nothing. I cried all the time. And on this specific day, March 30th, I decided that was it, I was giving up. Just so happens, God had others plans. That same day I got this email from a certain guy that told me not to give up, that I need to have faith and that he knew life was hard but it will get better. He gave me his number and told me if i needed to talk I could call or text him anytime. Of course it was Charlie. At this point I had so many people send me stuff telling me how much they admire me and I didn't need to give up and if i ever needed to talk I could call them, people I haven't seen or talked to since high school. Which I appreciated but I brushed off because I was thinking far as I know you haven't had something happen like me that so life changing that turns your world upside, how could you possibly understand. But Charlie did. He had leukemia. Two days later I texted him. Something was telling me too, so I did. And it was one of the best decisions I've ever made. From that day forward my phone never left my hand till this started to go bad and he went kind of distant with me.
I was in this darkness I wouldn't admit back then and he pulled me from it. He gave me back my life. He showed me what it was like to laugh, love and to take risk again. MUSC may have saved my life but he saved me.. He really was an amazing person. Even if he didn't so. I would tell him so many times he amazed me. He had the most beautiful little girl. She was our first conversation. He loved her so so very much. Over the next few months, he gave me a lifetime of memories. Stuff I will never forget. We did have a brief relationship and in the end he was back where he wanted to be, with his wife and his little girl. And I'm glad he got that. But to be honest he helpe me move on completely from awful 7 year thing with an ex. I'll never look at Johnny Cash, Gary Allan or Jamey Johnson the same. He got me to get over my fear of going into the movies with my vision. He was the first person who got me to watch a movie in a theatre. Lake Bowen will never be the same. We both grew in our faith in God together. Even when the odds were against us. I took a chance on getting close to him knowing this day could come. I hate that it did. I wish I could have saved him. But I know he was tired of fighting. And I'm glad he isn't suffering anymore. Anyone who knew him is lucky to know him. I'm glad I got the chance to reknow him. I told him from the beginning he had a friend till the end and I stuck to my word. I was there till the very end. I don't think Jennifer and I had left his side no more than 10 mins for his dad to spend time with him when he passed. I got to say my goodbyes to him in my own way. He knows I love him. And Just like Jennifer anytime it rains I know he will be with me. And I will see him again. I know he's watching over me. He was a great man. We both believed there was a reason why we came back into each other lives. Well I think it was so he could do for me what he did. There's no question about that.
"When I come to the end of my journey
and I travel my last weary mile
Just forget if you can, that I have frowned
And remember only the smile.
Forget unkind words I have spoken;
Remember some good I have done.
Forget I ever had heartache
And remember I have had loads of fun.
Forget that I have stumbled and blundered
And sometimes fell by the way.
Remember I have found some hard battles
And won, ere close of the day.
Then forget to grieve for my going,
I would not have you sad for a day,
But in summer just gather some flowers
And remember where I lay,
And come in the shade of the evening
When the sun paints the sky in the west.
Stand for a few moments beside me
And remember only my best."

Life ain't always beautiful

It's funny how one line in a movie can relate to you. It's like certain songs you listen to. I know I have tons of songs that I can listen to and a certain person or a certain time pops into my head. Today, while making me lunch, my dad was watching Independence Day of all movies and just so happens I was in there when this one line was said “Everybody loses faith at some point in their life.” Which is true. And if you haven't then I admire you.

I know I've lost faith quite a few times and battling with it now. There are things happening that I don't understand and that I will never understand. I'm handling everything the best I can. I refuse to be that same person I was back in March. I don't want people to worry about me. I don't think I've prayed like I have in the last year than I have my entire life. Things in my life. Over this past year, I've learned how strong I really am. How much I really can handle. Now I don't think I can handle much more and with everything going on with certain people and my uncles I believe I'm about to see how much more I can handle. I have too much time on my hands to think and it sucks. Cause my mind wanders and I cry. I think of people and stuff that we did and stuff that was said and I wonder if everything they said was it true or am I really that easy to get tossed aside... I'd like to think I'm a pretty good person. I'm honest with everyone. And when I do pray with the exception of when I was in hospital, when I do pray I asked for everyone elses prayers to be answered. Yes I want my vision back but I'm surviving. I'd rather see Charlie get cured, my uncle's brain tumors go away and my other uncle's foot not possibly get amputated. Or a former co-worker who is going blind, I'd eather him be able to see. I'd rather everyone's prayers and problems get answered before mine. I've always been like that. I'm not a selfish person. If that side comes out it's very rare. I'd rather have people dump their problems on me than me dump my problems on them.

Which I do talk to people about things it maybe weeks after the fact. It's very rare for me to trust people. When I do trust people it seems to backfire on me. I have a lot of best friends, people I can talk to, but you know how it is. It always not the person you want. It's like that saying something like why is it that the person making you cry is the one who can make you stop or something like. The people I want to be there isn't. And they people who are there I love and cherish and thank God everyday for. I don't know. +

You know I titled this blog learning to relive your life.... I guess it should have been learning to rebuild your life or something. I've kind of strayed away from the way it started. Just so much is happening so fast in my life that it changes constantly. My vision hasn't gotten any different. Maybe a little worse. But thats due to stress, whichI put on myself. I did however trip and fall a month ago. This past month has been hell for lack of better word. I was getting headaches again. Good news is I can take lortabs now. And not get sick. Well not really good news but maybe if I ever go back into the hospital again I won't have to go without food for 2 weeks.

My uncle with the brain cancer he isn't getting any better. It scares me. I hate death. And I never handle it well. I always shut down. I may not seem like I do but I do. I think he has one more thing of chemo left and he says if there is no difference he's done. He tire4 of feeling bad. Which I don't blame him. I've watch 2 grandpa's and watched Charlie. My other uncle, his bother, stepped on a rusty nail and his foot got infected. And now the infection has gotten to the bone. The doctors are talking about doing a 6 weeks of antibiotic regiment before anything is done but his big toe or whole foot might be amputated. He has 6 kids. And this is another problem where my faith somes in. How is he and my aunt going to manage? It just awful. Their oldest Kiley is my angel. I love them all the same but that girl I just love her. This past sunday all she did was hugged me and I almost cried. She's like me, she wears her heart on her sleeve.

After this past year and a lot of thinking, which last year before this happened I was in school and had finally decided on what I wanted to do. I've always wanted to work with kids. Then only day I ment this special little boy named Avery who was diagnosed with high condistioning autism. I fell in love with him. And according to his mom and dad he fell in love with me too. They said he never takes up with people the way he did with me. I had so much fun with him that day. Playing with these glue/paint pens. Which he got everywhere and on us. He loved that movie “Cars” and he had this sticker book and he put this stickers everywhere. My favorite was to watch him “dance” to whatever was coming on the tv. He made up my mind on what I wanted to de. I wanted to work with kids with special needs. Then bam this happens. I still kind of want to do, Everyone I talk to thinks I still could possibly do it. Now I think it's also blind kids maybe teenagers also. Not completely blind though. I want to make a difference in peoples lives. Let people know they aren't alone. Or that no matter what the struggle is it can get better. Even though yes I know I can eat my own words. But I know it can always be worse I've seen it and I've been there. I know I'm lucky to have what I have cause for 3 weeks I was completely blind. And for those 3 weeks I had so many people tell me why aren't you freaking out, you are handling this so well. It's who I am. I freaked out later on down the road, alone.... its how I do things. And I know I don't have to but I tend to struggle with the stuff by myself then let people in, when I know I'm going to be okay. Cause once again I don't like to have people worry about me. Ok I think this might be the longest I've typed and my eyes are starting to get tired so i'm going to go. <3

Depression isn't fun....

It's been a while since I've written. There's been a lot go on and still out of respect I can't say what it is. But I can say what's been going on with me. Besides to walmart with my dad and to church to watch my uncle get baptized I have not left the house in two weeks. My headaches have teturned. On June 21^st, I being the clumsy person I have also been tripped and hit my head, had to go to the er to make sure there was no internal bleeding... all is well except now I keep getting headaches.The drugs they gave me for nausea though made me have some weird dreams... so that was kind of different.  I have been under extra stress lately. And i'm not going to lie I've been depressed. I've cried more in the last week or so than I have in a long long time. It's just so much going on. I'm not writing this because I want people to pity me or anything. God knows I don't want that. I hate when people do that. If I wanted that I'd be pulling the being blind card all the time... I do it jokingly with my friends but never serious.... I hate the feeling that I have. I've sheltered myself in my room again. The one place I feel safe. I hate feeling this way. I have this since of dread in me.. As I said I have not left the house except to go to walmart or to church. On June 26^th, my uncle and 2 of my little cousin's got baptized. My uncle has cancer. It's in his brain. And sunday I found out which I have not shared with anyone that they give him a year. Now I'm not very religious person... I do pray maybe not everyday but I do. I do believe there is a heaven and God. Sunday with everything that's been going on, I sat there in church and the preacher started off by talking about how God heals diseases and disabilities and all I kept thinking is I don't need to be here right now. This is not the place for me. Cause once again I'm not going to lie, lately I'm being tested in my faith department. Seeing my uncle get baptized, I lost it. Well after I heard my greandma cry, then I did. I was doing good till then. She lost it when the preacher looked at him and said one day you won't need that wheelchair anymore.

I guess I've gotten to where I just don't know anymore. They say everything happens for a reason or that God doesn't put more on you that you can't handle... Well I think I've handle about all I can right about now. And I know its not over just yet. I just want that feeling I had back in April when I felt things where going to be okay. Now I'm not so sure. I'm losing my uncle and I feel like I've already one of my best friends. Sometimes I just need a hug and to be told it's going to be okay, even when its not. I know no one said life's not fair. To be honest, I'd rather I go through all this than for me to see someone else suffer... cause it would kill me to see them suffering even if it was someone I wasn't friends with.

Might be a while

Sorry I haven't posted in a few days. I've been struggling with some stuff lately. And I can't say what. I know the point of me writing is to get it out but don't worry I am still writing or will be writing. It's been saved on my computer. Maybe one day I will be able to share that. It's been really hard these past few days. But I'm trying to keep my head up and keep praying. Once I can find something else to write about other than this one thing I will post again I promise. <3

Realization, overcoming, and being happy

Well I thought I had one more letter I had written but I apparently didn't. I stopped writing. I wanted to keep up with it. But I will admit I got depressed. Pretty bad. Sometime in Feb, the vision started messing up and headaches came back and all I kept thinking not again. Turns out somehow the settings had changed in the shunt. I've learned I don't eeed to freak out when something changes in it... That got fixed and then once again in March it messed up. I didn't know what to do.

I learned and I also realized that really this happening was kind of a blessing. I know know thats weird saying, Yes I'd rather have my eyesight back and have like a broken arm or something, I was a different person before this happened. I wasn't me. I thought I was me but I wasn't, I thought I was happy and I wasn't. I was so unhappy and miserable. I would snap at someone at a moments noticed and everything got to me. And I will be the first to admit that and I will be the first to say I'm sorry to anyone. But I was sick and didn't know it and obvisously was fo a while. Even after we found out what was wrong with me some people wouldn't/couldn't accept that.  We are no longer friends and to be the better person I hope the best for her. Now there are other friends that have drifted. I know it happens. It's part of life and it sucks majorly. These friends know who they are and they know that I love them. I just can't be that friend anymore. I would love to be that friend again.

But as you can imagine I did get bad depressed. And by beginning of March I think I had maybe cried a total 6 times.  For someone who was going through what I was going through to be honest that wasn't enough. I'm going to be honest I felt like if I cried I was letting people down. Everyone was telling me I needed to be strong that I needed to keep my head up, and keep my faith and to not give up. If I cried it was like I was giving up. So maybe that was why I had such a good attitude about everything.  When March hit I was done, I was ready to throw in the towel. Then the one day I put up on my facebook status and yes facebook,  I put something about I was done. I got a message from Charlie. Not to give up and that he knew times were rough but I couldn't give up ane if I ever needed someone to talk to I could call or text him. And lately at that point I had been snapping at people telling me not to give up but I couldn't at him.  Let me give you  small little background on him. Charlie is someone I went to high school with. And year ago his life changed just like mine except a little differently. He got told he had leukemia. Two months later my thing happened so we kind of talked off and on checking on each other till that day. 2 days later I sent him a text and we haven't went a day without talking since. Now he has become one of my bestest friends and we are currently dating. We started dating on April 22. I can't really tell you how it started. It was suppose to be friends that needed someone to talk. I've never been happier. And he has been really amazing with me an my vision. If things don't work out with us I hope we do stay friends because of the friendship we did develop. And he also has set a standard for future guys if there is. And I'm not going to say I hope there isn't because it's way too early for that. But he's amazing. He has a little girl who is adorable as anything, a mom that I love to death and I haven't met his sister yet but I'm sure I'll love her too. He reached me when no one else couldn and that I am thankful. Will be forever in his debt. And they say facebook is a bad thing... I'll have to disagree.
Ok I'm done for the night. I'm off to bed Might not write again till friday or saturday. <3

Being readmtted and first surgery!

Hello. Sorry I didn't post yesterday. Yesterday was a rough day for me. Let's seee where I left off I was just released from the hospital. Things seemed to get better from there. A little bit. I was starting to get where I could answer my phone without any help and was slowly able to see the screen to text and that was exciting. I was slowly able to be connected to the outside world from me room. Though I was having to be babysat. It was like I was xixty. Like I had come full circle. I'll never forget my first visit vack down in Charleston, the resident I had been seeing while I was in the hospital was the resident I seeing that day, He was so excited about that progress I was having. He was amazed. Now I guess I should explain. My nerves we severtly damaged. Especailly in my right eye. Theyhave never been able to understand why my right eye was more damaged but it happened that way. My cranial nerve was also messed up. They didn't know if it was severed or not. And it made my right eyelid close completely. I was still on steroids and it was helping with the swelling. So he was happy. So I continued to see the doctors it seemed like for every 2 weeks. I think the first week in October I had a bonfire at my house where my friends came and hung out. Then about November I noticed things were changing. That's when they were taking me off the steroids. My vision starting to changing. I remember breaking down and crying. I had a MRI done and they found out I had a narrow vein. Which could mean the pressure building up all those years before. So they schedule me a angio-gram. You may think I'm weird or strange, but that thing was so neat. I got to see the veins in my head. Haha. Yes I'm the weird one. I found it fascinating. They did it to see about putting a stint in the veins which is something new. Well they determined the stint wouldn't be worth it. And then that Neuro-surgeon was done with me .December 13, 2010 I broke down. I remember sitting on my couch at my house by myself and just cried. On December 15, 2010 I was being readmitted into MUSC. A week before my 26^th birthday. They were talking about surgery. Since the stint was out, the only other option was a shunt.

That week was really scary, aggravating and a lot of first for me. I had to get a lunbar punture which was not my first. I got to see Patrick. My favortie guy that works down there in the radiology room. But first they tried it on the floor and numbed my back good.... So by the time I got down to the room I didn't feel a thing. Patrick just laughed at me. It's bad when i'm not from Charleston and I've gotten to know these people. That night I felt it thought. They were giving my pain medicine all night. And it was so hard for me to get up out of bed. I had to get fresh frozen plasma also. Too make my blood thcker. I itched so bad. Daddy just laughed at me. I personally didn't find it funny. But I knew by the time I left that radiology room I was going into surgery. They were going to do the surgery the same day but I just had to eat. So surgery was scheduled for 10 the next morning. So naturally I couldn't eat after midnight. The nurses, bless their hearts, even came in and moved my gatorade and candy so I wouldn't be tempted. The next day rolled around and I had the worse nurse ever. He was so awful. Like I said my surgery was scheduled at 10. well apparently they had a lot of emergencies and he failed to tell us. At 11 when the tech who checks your vitals came, Beverly, she told me. Then that's when he came in. So at this point we didn't know when I was going into surgery. I waited all day, with nothing to eat except just the fluids they had me hooked up to. I was so mad. He told us by 5 we would know. I gave him till 6 to come in and tell me. It was going on 24 hours of no food and he was thnking I was fine because I had fluids. I finally demaded that I talk to a doctor not him. So once again surgery was rescheduled but they couldn't give us a time. I woke up at like 6 AM and was talking to the nurses. The nurses said they would see if the list was up yet, she hadn't taken 2 steps out of my room when she got the call to have me ready they would be there in 2 minutes to get me. I had to call my dad and tell him cause he was staying at a hotel. They took me to preop and next thing I know I'm being pushed back into my room and I wanted Subway. I just had my first surgery and it was brain surgery. I have a tiny hold on the side of my skull and a tube that runs from it to my stomach. It's so weird. Ok now that I've bored you to death with all of that nonsense. I was released the next day on the 20^th and two days later I celebrated my 26^th birthday with my closets friends at Fatz. I couldn't of asked for a better birthday either. I did exactly what I wanted. Granted it wasn't what normal 26 year olds do but I'm not living the normal life any more. And I probably never will. I know my life has changed tremedously and I've changed. I'm not the same person I was before. I am but I'm not. I'm a lot stronger but in the same sense I'm a lot vulnerable.. Ok I think I've said enough for the day. Until next time!

Letter number 4

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

5:45 A.M.

Dear You,
It's been a few days since I've been written. I wanted to give it a few days so I would have some things to talk about but not that I'm writing I don't knoow what to say. It's so early in the morning, I'm so tired. I'll probably go back to sleep after I take my medicine. which is two hours from now.
Not sure if I already told you, but I finish my 2nd actual book and like my sixth one since I've been able to see. I've read four of them off the nook my grandma got me. That thing is so neat. I've already moved on to my 7th book. But this book, Kiss The Girls, it was so good. I found myself rooting for the girls in the book and trying to guess to the killers were before I found out who they were. I have fallen in love with James Patterson. He writes the most suspenseful books. I really cannot wait to get more of the Alex Cross series. as you can tell I love to read. As I do know I've said before it gives you this place to escape. To imagine what those characters are going through. I always put myself in the story like I'm in the background watching in unfold as I read it. I guess that's where I can get my imagination from.
I got a text from my manager I use to work for at Applebee's and this girl that started after I got sick had her baby and it passed away. I've met her once. She was really nice. It's really sad a baby passed away. She was only like a couple weeks old. They took her to MUSC. I wish they could of done for her what they did for me and my niece. I know they aren't miracle workers down there but they are my angels and so many others too. I'll never understand death but I don't think anyone will ever understand it. Especially with kids. Just to hear about it breaks my heart.
I've never really got into that show Extreme Makeover Home Edition. Well yesterday I watched it and it had me tearing up. It had this family who would adopt kids that had problems, health problems, you know the ones that most people would be like that's so sad but yeah we don't want that one. They had this one little boy, Jake. He stole me heart. I iHe was born with every bone in his body broken. And the adopted mom said you can picked him up and if his arm breaks he will just look at you and say mom my arm just broke I'm sorry. Why would a child have to apologize for that? Why should a child have to go through that? His whole family will out live him. His life wth never be normal. It does make me grateful for mine. If I ever meet someone who will take me as I am blind and all. I want to adopt. And i want to do like that family, I want the kids that no one wants. Those kids deserve love too. Just because they are different doesn't mean a thing. How would you feel if it was you like that and no one wanted you? It wouldn't feel to great would it?
So I was thinking, I don't know who all is going to be reading this if anyone is but maybe I should tell you things about me. Well if you are reading this then you might already know my name but if not it's Stephanie. I'm 26. Just four months ago I went blind due to some health problems. Personally I feel like I'm a good person. I know there are some people out there who have a difference of a opinion but they knew me at a different time in my life. People change. I've always been told I have a good heart. You just got to get to know me. I am stubborn as hell though. I will admit that. I get it from my dad. It's why we can't get along. I cherish my friends till no end, especially now. Some of them it might be a little to late for but I'm trying. In the past I have been a horrible friend and I'll be the first to admit that. But there are some friends out there that I've been better friends to than they have to me. But that's ok I and they will always know that and things will change. I'm not afraid to tell people how i feel anymore. I've learn life too short to hold back and I'm not going to spend the rest of my life fighting. My friends are my family. As you can tell from before my family isn't that close. Though my mom's side seems to be closer. Even though every now and then things will tear it apart. That side is prone to drugs and not to air out my family's dirty laundry but almost all of them have been on drugs. I personally have never touched the stuff. My mom was not a part of my life because of it. I've watched it tear a family apart. She met my step-dad and got sober and has been since. If i think about it it hurts that her daughter couldn't get her sober but I'm glad she met someone who could though cause if she kept going the way she was she might have ended up dead. My mom and I have always had a rocky relationship. When I was younger I would go to her and tell her things because I yearned for that mother/daughter relationship. I hoped for it. And just one day I snapped and I was done. I couldn't do it anymore. It hasn't been the same since. She's been trying though and I'm trying to let her. It's just hard.
My dad on the other hand, as much as we butt heads, he is my hero. And I know I'm a girl and most girls their dad is but he has had to play mom and dad my whole life. He has had me since I was eighteen months old. My mom did the right thing and gave me to him instead of dragging me through the drugs and stuff. I'm really daddy's little girl. I so appreciate everything he has ever done for me and I guess one of my biggest fears is he will never know it. I hope one day I can show him. I know this whole thing with me scared him. God has blessed me with a great dad. I wish he could find a woman to settle down with. I know he's 50 but people get married all the time. And he deserves to be loved and have someone to love. I hope that I get better and am able to get on my feet well enough to move out and maybe he can relax and find someone. He deserves it.
Ok well my head is starting to hurt a little so I think I'm done. I'll write a litte more later if I can. Maybe let you in a little more. More into knowing me. Thanks for reading. Until next time
Love,
SNB

Letter number 3

Friday, January 21, 2011
9:30 P.M.
Dear You,
Today was an okay day. I really didn't do much. I hung around the house like I normally do. I had a doctors visit today. I got my stitches out. Turns out the stitches was not disolvable like they said they was. And I only gained a pound since November. For someone who just lays around that's pretty good, I guess. While waiting for the to be called there was this baby in the room that sounded so cute. It only reminded me of what I will never have. I know that I can't say that. But really if you think about it, who would want to have kids with someone who has all these health issues. What guy in their right mind who want to put up with me? The one thing I've wanted in my life and I might not ever get it. And that really hurts me. I just don't get it.
After the doctor, my dad and I went to Applebee's where I use to work. I saw some of my friends and the people I use to work with. I miss those people like crazy. These people are my family. People who have been there for me. They always bring a smile to my face no matter what. I'll never know if I'll ever be able to be back with them. Not like I use to. Things use to be so different.
All I want is some kind of sign that things are going to be okay. That I'm going to be okay. That's all I'm asking for is some kind of sign. Give me a sign
Love,
SNB

When reality set in...

My last week in the hpspital is really when reality set in. I got moved to a regular room on a Friday. And that's when they started to slow down on the pain medicine. I feel in love with iv pain medicine. It helps instantly. I can see why people get addicted. Haha. Ok enough of that. The next day my dad came down and I believe on that sunday Jenifer, her mom and Leslie came from Myrtle Beach to see me and also as another Surprise Kim and Leon came down. On Monday. my mom, step dad and grandma was down. That day I had a eye doctor's appointment, and I got so hot I ended sick in the doctor's office. I was so embarassed. I did meet a nice guy name Jay from Little Rock, Arkansas. He was a studest there and stayed by my side till the nurse came to get me. Then I had to do this test where they put these electobe things on my head. And I had to see these dots things or what I could see from it. I still wasn't feel good. I felt awful and was freaked out. I got back to my room where the floor nurse fussed because they didn't bring my straight back when I got sick. Cause it could mean pressure was building back up in my head. So once again I had to leave the room and go have a CT scan done. Thankfully the results came back clear. The doctors agreed that maybe it's beause I got too hot. They gave me Zofran to settle my stomach and I slept. I didn't want food or anything. I just wanted sleep.

Tuesday morning, my first day alone, without being drugged up, watching Rosanne of all things. The episode where Darlene goes into labor and she might lose the baby, I guess you can say that's when really when reality set in. I cried for a little. Then later on that day was when the resident optomologist came in and I asked him my chances of getting my vision back. Wednesday, my luck seemed to be changing. Because of the blood clots and the blood disorder, I had to be put on blood thinners and this entire time I was there I had an IV in with a blood thinner hooked up to it. Before I could get released my blood had to become what they called theraputic. If any normal person was to go and get their pt inr check it would or should be at a 1. Mine needed to be between 2-3. On Wednesday mine was at 1.9 so I was close. they told me I might be going home that Friday. Well also that same day they started me on the IV steroids. So now I had two ivs in me. Tuesday and Thursday were my only days alone. Wednesday Aamber and her step dad came down and then that night Keith, Brandon, and Amber came to visit. I loved having visitors. Thursday wasn't so bad cause I got the news my blood was theraputic and that I was going home. I was so happy. I was telling anyone and everyone who called. Also because of the steroids I started to see more out of my left eye better. and I could read the word Ensure on the Ensure bottle. I could tell there was a bowl on my plate. I could look out my door and see the frame of a picture on the wall. Couldn't give you details but I knew it was there. I remember Kim calling and me telling her and her crying. I was so excited about it and here she was crying. But that one of the reasons why I love her.

On discharge day, my dad came down, and they did one more dose of sterioids, and my physical therapist came to walk with me one last time. I could see the stairs. Her name was Kim also. She was so shocked at how much strength I had for someone who had been laying in the bed for 3 weeks. I think we left around 1 or so. We got back home and I was ready for a shower. My first shower in 3 WEEKS. The entire time I was in there I couldn't shower cause I was hooked up to that freaking machine. It felt like heaven. Or what I imagine what heaven would feel like. Haha. That night I went to Applebee's to see everyone at work. I got a warm welcome. With most of the people nI worked with and a lot of my friends outside of work I couldn't ask for a better support group. This was the beginning of my new life. I guess you can say a better life. A better me.

Letter number 2

Thursday, January 20, 2011

8:30 P.M.

Dear You,
Today was a good day. This morning I went out to eat for breakfast with my cousins and their families. It was nice. I wish we were closer. I wish we were all closer. But too much crap goes on and I don't think we will ever be. I know things change. We were once close. My family use to be a good family. We use to get together at all the holidays with no problem and have fun and laugh. Then I guess life happened. We all grew apart and changed and some not for the best either. With Everthing I've been going through I might not ever have a husband or have kids like I've always wanted. This is all I have. Might be all I get which sucks. Another thing that makes me so angry.
I went to lunch with one of my best friends Kim. well she had lunch I was still kind of full from breakfast but I did get a blueberry muffin. I don't get to see my friends much so when I do, I cherish it. We just sat there and talked. It felt good. Like I said I had a good day.
The lady from the social security place called today and did my interview today instead of next week. Which i guess is good. Better now than later. So hopefully if I get approved for disability we can get it started and get some of this hospital bills paid. I will be paying on this stuff till I'm eighty and it only keeps adding up. I guess as longs as I get better it will be worth it, I guess. I'm almost done with my second actual book I've been reading. Yay! So I'm excited about that. One thing I do love is reading. I'm really glad I have that to do. To take me to a different world to live in. Well I'm really tired and I have a doctors appointment tomorrow so I'm signing off. Until next time.
Love,
SNB

What I remember and the stuff I did while in the hospital

Hello to all.  Here is my daily update. I hope you all enjoyed that letter. I should be posting the others also. But to pick up where I left off. Like I said I don't remember much about my stay at Mary Black or ICU at MUSC.  I do remember some things though.

When I was at Mary Black apparently I woke up talking to my dad about my grandma giving permission to adopt a baby. (I was on morphine) I was apparently mean to the eye doctor coming in according to Eric. Haha I guess morphine can make me mean. I don't know. I remember having visitors. I know Kim, Erin, Stephanie, Eric, Aamber, Laura H.,Carrie and some of my family came...I was told that my friends from work came oh and Kayla practically lived there. Then Saturday night I was airlifted about 9:30. I don't anything about the flight. This was my first time flying. Ever. My firwt memory of MUSC is waking up in a room by myself. hooked to machine. I had a lunbar drain in my back to drain some of the spinal fluid and pressure of my brain. I tore it. Yes you read that right. I tore the drain out my back. Which in the end I could of killed myself. I remember yelling in pain cause I felt this stinging. A few months ago I found these papers they sent home with me, in it said the drain accidently fell out. I laughed when I read that, cause I know the truth. They put me under, when I came to, I had my hands in restrains, and mittens on my hands so I couldn't tear anything, a part of my head was shaved and was crack open with a tube and a monitor coming out of it. My mom thought I was going freak but I didn't. I was surprisingly calm throughout this whole thing. Oh my times in ICU didn't end there. The tube and monitor was long and was being held up by this pole behind me. Being blind I didn't know that. I stretched and touched the pole. Bad idea, especially when the nurse was walking through the room. She asked me if I wanted to die. And once again I was under and woke up restrained.... yeah I wish I could say that was the end. It wasn't. There was this other time I was in that trasition sleep where what was on tv worked into my dreams. I thought I was in a car tied up in a tree and I ended up pulling all my IVs out. Needless to say I was not a good patient. I was losing my mind in that room. I could of sworn they moved me to 5 different times and that my nurse Grace gave me a bath in this tube thing that you go tubing in. When they cut the tube and monitor out, I'll never forget that feeling. Not to gross anyone out, the feeling of fluid running down the side of my face and in my ear I'll never forget. I have stories to share. I can at least say that. I stayed sick that whole first week. I know all I wanted at first was apple juice, peaches, and vanilla pudding. That stuff doesn't taste good coming back up. Sorry but it doesn't. I didn't eat I think for at least a week and half it seemed like. I couldn't even smell the food without getting sick. No one could figure out why. I knew why but they didn't want listen to me. They were giving me oxycodone and that makes me sick. The last night I was in ICU, my angel nurse, Lisa read my chart and no mre sickness. The next morning I got my first taste of french toast and bacon. I loved it.

In those 3 weeks I lost 30 lbs I believe it was. Gained a lot of it back because of steroids. During ICU I remember my visitors. I don't remember Kayla coming but I know she did. Of course my mom and dad, Jenifer and her mom came. By the time they came I was all happy and talkative. My aunt Sandra and Uncle Patrick came to visit. My aunt demanded me to get better so we can go see Breaking Dawn in November. My stepsister came down, for two reasons, my niece had her heart transplant was done down there so she still has visits down there. My niece got upset cause she wasn't got upset because she wasn't allowed down to see me. On my last night in ICU I got a nice surprise, Aamber, Julia and Cory came to visit. And yes for those who know from high school it was Cory Suptin.

I had amazing support group. And I still have. I've learned so much about myself. I've learned how strong I can be. The say you never know how strong you are till you have to be. And I believe it. I've gotten to see the best in people and I've unfortunately gotten to see the worse in people. You really do find out who your real friends are when you really need them. And I'm so thankful for the ones I have, for the ones I've gained also. Everybody has been so awesome. I can sit here and think about high school and think of where I wanted my life to go. If you would of told me I would be here I would of laughed.  My life is different i can tell you that. But call me crazy, I'm happy. I have my life, my friends, my family and just started dating an amazing guy who I will talk about later on. Anyways, I hope you found some of this amusing. I know I laugh everytime I tell the stories of the ICU. At least I have a good attitude. Much Love!

The First Letter

This is not my regular post. That will be posted later. So you get 2 today. This was something I started but didn't keep up with so theres only like 4-5 of them. Enjoy!

Wednesday, January 19, 2011
7:55 P.M.
Dear You;
I don't know who will read this. I'm not sure anyone will every read this but i need to talk to someone. And well i'd rather to "talk" to no one and get it all out and not get a response back than talk to someone who is going to try and pretend they understand or try to reason with me. I feel like if I try and talk to someone they want to talk to me like I'm stupid or dumb for feeling the way I do. I'm sorry that I do feel that way. I've been through literal hell and still there i feel like. I don't know what else to do. I almost lost my life and that was scary. That's even scary to think about. I remember before it happened thinking about the people i went to high school with and hearing about them dying thinking Gpd they are my age. They all of sudden mine was almost taken. which do not get me wrong I will be forever grateful that I didn't and that I got a second chance to change everything around. Which I don't think i was living a bad life. I know there was somethings that was questionable if i could go back i would never have done any of it. So if this is my punishment then well I hope it's over with soon cause I don't think I can handle it much longer. I was relatively happy. I was getting there I thought. I was back in school, getting my life together and bam my life changed. Now I can't see well and I'm on all kinds of medicine. I go to all kinds of doctors and might be this way for the rest of my life. I really hope not. People just don't understand. Unless you are going through or have went through what i am then you will never know. I know life isn't fair. And things happen for a reason, but what reason would it be to take someones vision away. i would not wish this on my worst enemy but why me? Maybe one day I'll find out the answer to that, maybe not. I don't know. All I know is I'm not doing what most twenty-six years old are doing. I sit at home all day every day. I miss my life. I miss work. I miss my friends. Everyone keeps saying keep your head up, it will get better I promise. Well I've always been taught and i've always lived by don't make promises you can't keep. That's one promise no one can make sure of. I think I've done a good job of keeping my faith in believing things with get better but it's starting to dwindle. Some days seem better. Then there are days where they are just awful and I don't know what to do.
This feels good getting it all out like this. I might use this as like a diary to get it all out so I don't go crazy. Release some of the frustration I have with this. There is a lot. I have a lot of anger, sadness, and confusion in me. I'm mad cause this happened. Even though I did almost die; it literally took my life away. And there is nothing I can do about it. No doctor can fix it. Sad because of all the same reasons. I'm stuck at home. Only getting out when everyone finds time to visit and/or come get me. So I just sit here. And finally confused becaused well why the hell did it happen?
I pray that this is over soon. I have my faith and beliefs. I really hope it's over soon. It's just so hard to keep believing everything is going to be okay. So hard. I thank God I still have my life. That's no secret. And I will be forever in his debt as i already am i guess but will so show it if i get better. Well my head is starting to hurt. So until next time.
Love,
SNB

The Beginning of my new life

So I'm new the whole blogging and posting and really letting people know exactly how I feel. Some people think they really know how I feel or felt since this whole thing happened.  Ok wait ... Let me introduce myself incase you are just a passer by and randomly reading and let me explain what happened. My name is Stephanie. I'm a 26 year old female. And on August 26, 2010 my life changed forever. Really it started 3 years before that.
 I was living in Mrytle Beach and starting getting these migraines that landing me in the ER 3 times within 24 hours. I had shots, pain meds, CT scan and a spinal tap. Conclusin I had some they called psuedo-tumor celebrae(false brain tumor). To explain pressure builds up on my brain and eyes apparently and gives the signals of a brain tumor, which isn't really there. So as you can imagine for 3 years I lived with migraines. I got accustomed to them, worked with them. Unless to sent me to bed I never let them put me out of comission.
 For the whole month of August and maybe some of July I was in pain. Thought is was a tooth, had a tooth pulled. That didn't help. So then tried a chiropractor and for a day I felt better. The next day which was August 26 I was sitting in class and felt like death. I said through 3 classes and couldn't take it anymore. I went home and slept. Woke up to call out of work and I'm sure my GM thought I was lying. I drove myself to Mary Black Hospital which was close to my job, I don't know what I was thinking. I think in my mind I was thinking I'll go in here they will get it to stop hurting and then I'll go by work give my excuse.
 Guess the joke was on me. They doped me up good and sent me home. I think I got home about 9:30 that night. I crawled in the bed and woke up not being able to see. I had to wake my dad by feeling my way to his room. All I remember is him asking if it can wait till morning and I said no we need to go now. After that it became a blur to me. Oh I forgot to mention they never ran any test on me or anything.
 I got admitted and that's when the test began. They found 2 blood clots in the return veins. One of the clots had completely closed the vein up. The doctors were more concerned with how the clots got there than why I lost my vision. On August 28th, they told my parents I had a 20% chance of living. That they had to fly me to Charleston, which later I found out they could of killed me by doing that from the pressure changes in the air. In the end I was in the hospital between MB and MUSC for 3 weeks. I don't remember much. Waking up blind was scary but to be honest I was that scared at first. Reality didn't set in just yet. I thought eh these doctors with fix me and I'll be seeing in no time. Until the first day I was really  alone one day in my room. First time ever alone since it happened and I had asked on of the residents what were the chances of my vision coming back and he was honest and said that's a million dollar question. What happened to you is so rare and it could be all, half or none.
 During this I found out I have hereditary blood disorder that makes my blood clot faster than normal, the vein that the blood clot closed up is narrow. What happened to me only happens to 1 out of 1.2 million people. Not a way a girl wants to be told she one in a million let me tell you. As you can tell I've gotten some vision back, not all. Not enough to get my life back. Other things have happened this is just the beginning. I have lots of stories from the hospital stay, when I finally wasn't drugged up and to my first surgery to how great my friends and family was at first, to the friends I've lost and to what I've learned about by myself. Might even venture into my past about things. So if you are reading stick around. Maybe this can help you. It's always nice to know you are never alone or to know you're isn't so bad after all...It could always be worse. Trust me I know.  <3