Monday, October 24, 2011

Getting things off my mind....

I know it’s been since I wrote about the beach since I’ve updated the blog. I’m going to be honest. I’ve been cheating on the blog with two other writing things. None which no one will get read by anyone (sorry guys). It’s my way of dealing with stuff. I’m also not going to lie, things have been hard lately. It’s not getting easier. Time suppose to heal right? I know it has worked before but this time I think its going to take a lot longer. For one it was just one person it was two within a month and it was Charlie. I’m not saying he was more special than my uncle. I think I had more time to prepare for him. I knew a year and half ago that with good treatment he had 3 years. Charlie’s we had hope. I think of him often and when I say often I mean everyday. a lot of things that go on in my life remind me of him. His bear sits beside my bed. I listen to his playlist we both kind of made a lot. I often wonder where we would be today. I’ve fallen in love with his family. They are great. On Oct 13th we got together and did a Light the Night Walk. The Leukemia and Lymphoma Society put it on at Furman University. Our team’s name was Charlie’s Angels. Our team came in 2nd with raising over 2,000 dollars. I think, if I remember correctly, over the span of all the walks that were put on over U.S. over 100,000 dollars raised or something like that. Which is awesome. Leukemia doesn’t get recognized as much as it should. I’ve learned a few things. Like every 4 mins someone gets diagnosed and every 10 mins someone dies. or is it vice versa? I get those numbers switched. I know they are right just not sure which spot they go in. Don’t get my wrong. I have a best friend whose mom is a breast cancer survivor, my grandmother is a ovarian cancer survivor and another friend;s mom just got done with treatments for ovarian cancer. But it’s sad that there are a lot of cancers that don’t get recognized as much as others. They are all bad.
But anyways. Yes I’ve been down. I believe I go to his facebook everyday. I still have his last set of text him my phone. I won’t read those because they were when things got bad between us and his was so mean to me. But every now and then I will charge my other phone and look at those. The ones I will probably never get rid of. The Charlie I fell for. The Charlie I got to know. Sometimes I’ll sit there and I’ll think of the days I would visit him and remember the movies we watched and the conversations we had. I think I’m scared it I don’t remember those I’ll forget them. I remember my first visit with him ever. First time I had seem him in 8 years, I had an appt at the cancer with my blood doctor after our visit. and it was his first time ever making usre I didn’t trip or fall.I think we were both nervous. He said he would make sure he fell before I did. Of course I didn’t want that. He didn’t need to fall and I didn’t need to. So I think right there started our protectiveness over each other. All we did was talk about the hospitals and all that jazz. We just had that instant connection. By our next visit oh something had started between us. We both had admitted to each other about knowing something was there but wasn’t sure about going for it. Anyways, On our next visit, we watched Walk the Line, in which he held my hand. My inner teenage girl was so freakin excited! I hadn’t been like that over anyone is suck a long time. I remember my stomach having the funny feeling in. And I believe that day he also made me a cd. That I will cherish forever. We both had that love for music. That’s another thing that connected us together. We talked a lot about movies and music. So go figure our first movie was Walk the Line. Johnny and June will never be the same. I even got him to listen to that country song Johnny and June and he said he loved that song.
He gave me the courage to do things. I never had fear when I was with him. He got me to go see my first movie in the theaters with my vision the way it is. That was Rio. Cute movie. I bought it. It came out not long after he passed away. Its still in the plastic. I can’t bring myself to open and watch it. I’m afraid I’ll cry. I’ve been talking to his sister Holly a lot lately. It helps. We are actually talking about going to the movies soon. So it will be good for my next adventure to the movies to be with her. Everyone is having it rough. I think we all are dealing with it the best we can. His mom and I talked about how its getting harder than easier. I know it takes more than a day, a week, a month, and in her case it could take years. But I just wish it didn’t have to at all. I said this to someone one day. I’d rather deal with the heartache of losing him, as a boyfriend and friend, than losing him forever.
The more I think about him the more I do wonder if I will be okay. I tell people I will be. But I’m not so sure. I know one day, maybe, I need to move on. Cause I know he wouldn’t want me to be alone. I mean two days before he passed he told me himself I will make someone very happy one day. I know some people are thinking you didn’t date very long or whatever.. But you didn’t see or know the connection we had. It was strong and it was fast. Nothing like anything I’ve dealt with in the past. I just hope he’s okay. I believe he is. I believe he is watching over me, his mom, dad, Holly, Jane, Billy, Jennifer, Riley, Chris, Brian, anyone else he was close to and especially his beautiful little Blue Bear, Caitlyn. Who just turned 2. It breaks my heart he won’t be here physcially to see her grow up.. But she will know who her faither is, and how great of a man he was.
Writing helps get it out. Today was one of those days I had to get it out. Thanks for listening!

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