It's been a while since I've written. There's been a lot go on and still out of respect I can't say what it is. But I can say what's been going on with me. Besides to walmart with my dad and to church to watch my uncle get baptized I have not left the house in two weeks. My headaches have teturned. On June 21st, I being the clumsy person I have also been tripped and hit my head, had to go to the er to make sure there was no internal bleeding... all is well except now I keep getting headaches.The drugs they gave me for nausea though made me have some weird dreams... so that was kind of different. I have been under extra stress lately. And i'm not going to lie I've been depressed. I've cried more in the last week or so than I have in a long long time. It's just so much going on. I'm not writing this because I want people to pity me or anything. God knows I don't want that. I hate when people do that. If I wanted that I'd be pulling the being blind card all the time... I do it jokingly with my friends but never serious.... I hate the feeling that I have. I've sheltered myself in my room again. The one place I feel safe. I hate feeling this way. I have this since of dread in me.. As I said I have not left the house except to go to walmart or to church. On June 26th, my uncle and 2 of my little cousin's got baptized. My uncle has cancer. It's in his brain. And sunday I found out which I have not shared with anyone that they give him a year. Now I'm not very religious person... I do pray maybe not everyday but I do. I do believe there is a heaven and God. Sunday with everything that's been going on, I sat there in church and the preacher started off by talking about how God heals diseases and disabilities and all I kept thinking is I don't need to be here right now. This is not the place for me. Cause once again I'm not going to lie, lately I'm being tested in my faith department. Seeing my uncle get baptized, I lost it. Well after I heard my greandma cry, then I did. I was doing good till then. She lost it when the preacher looked at him and said one day you won't need that wheelchair anymore.
I guess I've gotten to where I just don't know anymore. They say everything happens for a reason or that God doesn't put more on you that you can't handle... Well I think I've handle about all I can right about now. And I know its not over just yet. I just want that feeling I had back in April when I felt things where going to be okay. Now I'm not so sure. I'm losing my uncle and I feel like I've already one of my best friends. Sometimes I just need a hug and to be told it's going to be okay, even when its not. I know no one said life's not fair. To be honest, I'd rather I go through all this than for me to see someone else suffer... cause it would kill me to see them suffering even if it was someone I wasn't friends with.
Babe if i were there i would give you a GREAT BIG hug and make sure you knew that everything was going to be okay.....I, like you, am not a huge religious person either but in times like this I've come to realize that these are the times you hold on to ur faith like it's the last thing you have and KNOW that God, like I & everyone else in your life, loves you :)
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