Hello to all (if anyone still reads this)! I can't remember the last time I wrote something. I do have a lot to say this time I believe. And I apologize in advance if I jump from topic to topic.
Let me start with I'm officially a student again! I'm excited and nervous all at the same time. I'm ready to be done with it. I've been ready to be done with it. I'm excited because I will be getting out of the house and possibly making new friends. It seems I've lost a lot of my other friends. Which I'll get to later. I'm nervous because of the obvious reasons. I don't want people to look at me like a freak. I've gotten where i'm comfortable with it. I can tell people about it, talk about, and joke about it (even if some people can take it a little TOO far). But anyways I am excited because when I get to "student teach" I can pick which school I want to go to, I can even pick the SC school for the deaf and blind, which is awesome! Well I think anyways :)
I am teaching/helping in Sunday school now. I help with the 4/5 yr olds. Those kids are so awesome. Of course the boys can be a little rowdy but they are sweet. The girls are just too sweet. There is Laurie Grace who loves looking in my locket and telling people who is in there. She loves to bring stuff animals to the class and her favorite color is pink. Maura, who has a very unique name. When I first saw it. My first thought was Laura. Lol. Then there is our little energizer bunny, Grace. That child if you are in a bad mood and can't smile when you are when you are around her, then something is majorly wrong with you. She is so happy and hyper. I love it there.
For the most part I believe I am happy. I have my days don't get me wrong. For the first time I feel like my life is on the right track. I hate the way it has gone. I miss Charlie everyday. I know he is watching over me everyday. I will always love him. He will always hold a special place in my heart as you all know, as will his family, who I love dearly and feel like they are my own. I miss my uncle dearly. I wish he was here at family functions laughing and joking with us. Also to see his daughter graduate college. He would/is so proud of her. As we all are. I miss my friends. I've had so many things happen thats in your face be thankful for who you have in your life. About 3 weeks ago i believe I had to say goodbye to another friend. Her and her fiance were killed in a motorcycle wreck. And I even knew who her fiance was. She was my first friend at Applebee's when I moved from the beach. As I was standing there watching the dvd I couldn't help but overhear a coversation someone was having about them two.. It made me realize that I miss that feeling. I remember clearly what it feels like. But I miss the butterflies in the stomach, the feeling like a teenager just because they held your hand. That's when I realized I was ready to move on. Not saying I wasn't before but I was kind of skeptical but I know I am now. I guess I just have to wait.
Anyways maybe I didn't have a lot to say. But that is what's been on my mind lately. Love you all! :)
Saturday, June 9, 2012
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Shattered Glass
I’ve been wanting to write and I just didn’t really know what to write about till I read this one imparticular thing and its not even related to stuff I’ve been going through…. well maybe a little it is.. It would be more for my past than anything. I’ve been reading this book called “The Five People You Meet in Heaven” by Mitch Albom if you haven’t read it I highly suggest it. It so interesting. Anyways there something I read that caught my eye in it. And I use to have this notebook that if something like this did that I wrote it down. But I can’t see to write on lines. But I just have to share it and share my thoughts on it.
“All parents damage their children. It cannot be helped. Youth, like pristine glass, absorbs the prints of its handlers. Some parents smudge, others crack and few shatter childhoods completely into jagged little pieces, beyond repair.”
I find this to be very true. Though I don’t think it just stops at childhood. I believe it goes on. I think our entire lives are like glass and it isn’t just our parents who do the cracking either. It’s the world we live. Girls trying to be the perfect size, guys wanting to be the biggest guy on the team. The pressure starts when we are little. I know some people who have the smudges are very lucky. The cracks are safe. The people who have had their life shattered are some of the strongest people you will ever meet. My whole life seems to be in nothing but shards of glass every where. Starting with my home life, going through friends, guys, health and deaths. It seems once I start picking up the pieces and putting it back together something happens and shatters those pieces. So I try all over again. -
The one person in my life that shattered my life was my mom. She started the cracks before I was even 2. Many people know my history with my mom and some don’t. Some think we have a good relationhip but honestly it’s not that great. When I was little she gave me up to my dad because she was on drugs. Which is that best thing she could have done for me. From then on out she was in and out of my life. She lived in Columbia for a while and then moved back up here. Once again getting hooked back on drugs. Growing up I wasn’t a dumb child when it came to that stuff. They would talk about it around me thinking I wouldn’t figure it out or smoke it in another part of the house and tell me it was somethiung else. Like I said I wasn’t stupid. I even went looking for it one day. And if she had had a phone I would of call the cops. I don’t remember how I was when she finally admitted to me about smoking weed but I do remember her words to me. “One day you will come to me asking me for a dime bag cause you are getting more and more like me every day and I smoke a joint every day,” from that day forward I promised I wo uld never touch anything like that.
My mom was prone to disappearing all the time and stealing from my grandparents. Somewhere around my 9th grade year she took a friend and I to a crack house. We both felt so uneasy and knew something was wrong with that place. And come to find out later she had taken me to another one before too. Well one day she had taken off in my grandma’s car. We went looking for her, basically went straight to her. I’ll never forget her appearance. She came out looking all wired up in a white shirt with black smudges all over it where she had been smoking all night. The next day she showed up wanting to talk and I wouldn’t speak to her. I didn’t want to. She wanted to get help. Eventually I did talk to her and she went into the hospital and ended up in Patrick B. Harris for 12 weeks I believe.
She eventually got out of there and moved back to Columbia where she was doing so well at least I thought she was. The next year my grandpa died from cancer. On the day the passed, she dropped me off at school and said she would be back to pick me up when school was over.(which at the time he had not passed yet). She never returned to pick me up. I never saw her till the next day. She did call and came up with the story of being carjacked and raped and had to drive the person to Charleston and no one believed her. We knew what she had done. After that it was just crazy. Anyways I’m trying not to make this too incredibly long. In the end (which I’m not saying it is all her fault other things played in there too) I tried to overdose on pills. There were multiple factors in there. But my dad and I went through family therapy and she came to ONE session. She was in jail when I graduated because of back child support and that August we got in this argument, where everything was finally let out. It escaladed to the point of where she had me back against the stove and her hand raised threatening me. I remember pushing her. The cops where called and I was so scared because I was 18 and I technically put my hands on her first I was going to jail. Chuck Wright, before he was sheriff told her the threat was more than enough.
She clean now or so I think. And we do have a relationhip. But not the typical mother/daughter relationhip. If I need to talk or need something it’s my dad, my grandma or even Rosemary (Charlie’s mom) that I go to first. That glass of hers was shattered a long time ago and it will never be put back together fully and even it was there will always be chips in it and one wrong move the whole thing can crumble. She says she knows and she regrets what she did and she will take what I give her. But she tries. I guess I can’t blame her. To me she tries too much and tries to make her out to this person that does all this stuff for me or cares but she may now but where was she when I needed her. I’m 27 I needed her growing up. But I am thankful for the people I do have. I’m so glad I had a dad like I did and people llike Rosemary who are willing to be my “other” mom when I need it.
“All parents damage their children. It cannot be helped. Youth, like pristine glass, absorbs the prints of its handlers. Some parents smudge, others crack and few shatter childhoods completely into jagged little pieces, beyond repair.”
I find this to be very true. Though I don’t think it just stops at childhood. I believe it goes on. I think our entire lives are like glass and it isn’t just our parents who do the cracking either. It’s the world we live. Girls trying to be the perfect size, guys wanting to be the biggest guy on the team. The pressure starts when we are little. I know some people who have the smudges are very lucky. The cracks are safe. The people who have had their life shattered are some of the strongest people you will ever meet. My whole life seems to be in nothing but shards of glass every where. Starting with my home life, going through friends, guys, health and deaths. It seems once I start picking up the pieces and putting it back together something happens and shatters those pieces. So I try all over again. -
The one person in my life that shattered my life was my mom. She started the cracks before I was even 2. Many people know my history with my mom and some don’t. Some think we have a good relationhip but honestly it’s not that great. When I was little she gave me up to my dad because she was on drugs. Which is that best thing she could have done for me. From then on out she was in and out of my life. She lived in Columbia for a while and then moved back up here. Once again getting hooked back on drugs. Growing up I wasn’t a dumb child when it came to that stuff. They would talk about it around me thinking I wouldn’t figure it out or smoke it in another part of the house and tell me it was somethiung else. Like I said I wasn’t stupid. I even went looking for it one day. And if she had had a phone I would of call the cops. I don’t remember how I was when she finally admitted to me about smoking weed but I do remember her words to me. “One day you will come to me asking me for a dime bag cause you are getting more and more like me every day and I smoke a joint every day,” from that day forward I promised I wo uld never touch anything like that.
My mom was prone to disappearing all the time and stealing from my grandparents. Somewhere around my 9th grade year she took a friend and I to a crack house. We both felt so uneasy and knew something was wrong with that place. And come to find out later she had taken me to another one before too. Well one day she had taken off in my grandma’s car. We went looking for her, basically went straight to her. I’ll never forget her appearance. She came out looking all wired up in a white shirt with black smudges all over it where she had been smoking all night. The next day she showed up wanting to talk and I wouldn’t speak to her. I didn’t want to. She wanted to get help. Eventually I did talk to her and she went into the hospital and ended up in Patrick B. Harris for 12 weeks I believe.
She eventually got out of there and moved back to Columbia where she was doing so well at least I thought she was. The next year my grandpa died from cancer. On the day the passed, she dropped me off at school and said she would be back to pick me up when school was over.(which at the time he had not passed yet). She never returned to pick me up. I never saw her till the next day. She did call and came up with the story of being carjacked and raped and had to drive the person to Charleston and no one believed her. We knew what she had done. After that it was just crazy. Anyways I’m trying not to make this too incredibly long. In the end (which I’m not saying it is all her fault other things played in there too) I tried to overdose on pills. There were multiple factors in there. But my dad and I went through family therapy and she came to ONE session. She was in jail when I graduated because of back child support and that August we got in this argument, where everything was finally let out. It escaladed to the point of where she had me back against the stove and her hand raised threatening me. I remember pushing her. The cops where called and I was so scared because I was 18 and I technically put my hands on her first I was going to jail. Chuck Wright, before he was sheriff told her the threat was more than enough.
She clean now or so I think. And we do have a relationhip. But not the typical mother/daughter relationhip. If I need to talk or need something it’s my dad, my grandma or even Rosemary (Charlie’s mom) that I go to first. That glass of hers was shattered a long time ago and it will never be put back together fully and even it was there will always be chips in it and one wrong move the whole thing can crumble. She says she knows and she regrets what she did and she will take what I give her. But she tries. I guess I can’t blame her. To me she tries too much and tries to make her out to this person that does all this stuff for me or cares but she may now but where was she when I needed her. I’m 27 I needed her growing up. But I am thankful for the people I do have. I’m so glad I had a dad like I did and people llike Rosemary who are willing to be my “other” mom when I need it.
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
My December! I figured I needed to write again since I haven’t since Thanksgiving. Since then of course my birthday happened, Christmas and New Years. Before all of those events happened I made a big decision in my life. I decided to stop fighting and I have now been put on anti-depressants. I’ve been fighting against this for a while. Since way before my uncle and Charlie passed. So far it has worked out great. I get along better with my dad and my mom. And if I tell you anything you know my relationhips with both of them. I talk to my mom more now that I use to. My dad and have went a month without arguing. I feel like I do laugh a lot more. I still have my days don’t get me wrong. I know they aren’t the answer or going to fix everything, but I believe they were a step in the right direction. One thing that I was told by two very dear people and I’ve learned it’s okay to not be okay.
I figured I needed to write again since I haven’t since Thanksgiving. Since then of course my birthday happened, Christmas and New Years. Before all of those events happened I made a big decision in my life. I decided to stop fighting and I have now been put on anti-depressants. I’ve been fighting against this for a while. Since way before my uncle and Charlie passed. So far it has worked out great. I get along better with my dad and my mom. And if I tell you anything you know my relationhips with both of them. I talk to my mom more now that I use to. My dad and have went a month without arguing. I feel like I do laugh a lot more. I still have my days don’t get me wrong. I know they aren’t the answer or going to fix everything, but I believe they were a step in the right direction. One thing that I was told by two very dear people and I’ve learned it’s okay to not be okay.
The first event of December was Rosemary’s birthday. We both felt the same way about our birthdays and Christmas this year. We didn’t want to celebrate. So we decided to do it together. We got together with Holly(her daughter), Jennifer Isbell, and Karen (her mother in law) and went and ate at Applebee’s where we had cake and she opened presents. Six days later was my birthday and we did it all over again. Except the mother in law. That night we had a little Chirstmas thing for people close to Charlie who were here in town or we were in touch with. It was rather small and fun. It’s hard to decide if Charlie would of liked it or not. He hated crowds but I can’t help but think he would have had fun. I got a penquin ornament. It’s so cute. Soon as I can find a place it’s going to be hung up and be up all year long. It was a really fun night. Sometime in between the midst of all these things going on I made the decision I wanted to go to Charlie’s grave. I haven’t been back to since the day we buried him. I think it’s time and it might do me some good. So one day soon I will go up there. The day after all of this Kim wanted to have a birthday dinner/party me, I just had to pick the place (which of course was Fatz). I laughed so hard that night I cried. It was so much fun to be there with my friends and have another carefree night. Thanks to everyone who came and especially Kim for wanting to throw it for me. And much needed thanks for everyone Rosemary, Kim, Holly, Kayla and whoever else that made my birthday special... oh and I even got my present from Heaven! Rain!
Christmas came all to quickly. It was bittersweet. Every Christmas my uncle woould read Twas the night before Christmas to the younger kids while the adults cleaned up. Last year his speech was good enough to do it and this year it was like a void there. Though I know he the best Christmas of all. My grandma and I spent Christmas day in church. After I got home I went straight to bed and didn’t leave there for 3 days. That’s one way I know I will have bad days.
My doctor just uped the dosage on the medicine, it’s only been a few days so we will see how it will turns out. I’m starting to read again. I’m currently reading that book 5 people you meet in Heaven. It’s very interesting so far.
Oh Oh I did keep my New Year’s resolution from last year, which was no hospital stays. I didn’t really make one up for this year, except maybe to be happy. Like I said the past two years have been pure hell with few happy moments… It’s about time for something to go right in my life right?
The first event of December was Rosemary’s birthday. We both felt the same way about our birthdays and Christmas this year. We didn’t want to celebrate. So we decided to do it together. We got together with Holly(her daughter), Jennifer Isbell, and Karen (her mother in law) and went and ate at Applebee’s where we had cake and she opened presents. Six days later was my birthday and we did it all over again. Except the mother in law. That night we had a little Chirstmas thing for people close to Charlie who were here in town or we were in touch with. It was rather small and fun. It’s hard to decide if Charlie would of liked it or not. He hated crowds but I can’t help but think he would have had fun. I got a penquin ornament. It’s so cute. Soon as I can find a place it’s going to be hung up and be up all year long. It was a really fun night. Sometime in between the midst of all these things going on I made the decision I wanted to go to Charlie’s grave. I haven’t been back to since the day we buried him. I think it’s time and it might do me some good. So one day soon I will go up there. The day after all of this Kim wanted to have a birthday dinner/party me, I just had to pick the place (which of course was Fatz). I laughed so hard that night I cried. It was so much fun to be there with my friends and have another carefree night. Thanks to everyone who came and especially Kim for wanting to throw it for me. And much needed thanks for everyone Rosemary, Kim, Holly, Kayla and whoever else that made my birthday special... oh and I even got my present from Heaven! Rain!
Christmas came all to quickly. It was bittersweet. Every Christmas my uncle woould read Twas the night before Christmas to the younger kids while the adults cleaned up. Last year his speech was good enough to do it and this year it was like a void there. Though I know he the best Christmas of all. My grandma and I spent Christmas day in church. After I got home I went straight to bed and didn’t leave there for 3 days. That’s one way I know I will have bad days.
My doctor just uped the dosage on the medicine, it’s only been a few days so we will see how it will turns out. I’m starting to read again. I’m currently reading that book 5 people you meet in Heaven. It’s very interesting so far.
Oh Oh I did keep my New Year’s resolution from last year, which was no hospital stays. I didn’t really make one up for this year, except maybe to be happy. Like I said the past two years have been pure hell with few happy moments… It’s about time for something to go right in my life right?
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