Depression isn't fun....

It's been a while since I've written. There's been a lot go on and still out of respect I can't say what it is. But I can say what's been going on with me. Besides to walmart with my dad and to church to watch my uncle get baptized I have not left the house in two weeks. My headaches have teturned. On June 21^st, I being the clumsy person I have also been tripped and hit my head, had to go to the er to make sure there was no internal bleeding... all is well except now I keep getting headaches.The drugs they gave me for nausea though made me have some weird dreams... so that was kind of different.  I have been under extra stress lately. And i'm not going to lie I've been depressed. I've cried more in the last week or so than I have in a long long time. It's just so much going on. I'm not writing this because I want people to pity me or anything. God knows I don't want that. I hate when people do that. If I wanted that I'd be pulling the being blind card all the time... I do it jokingly with my friends but never serious.... I hate the feeling that I have. I've sheltered myself in my room again. The one place I feel safe. I hate feeling this way. I have this since of dread in me.. As I said I have not left the house except to go to walmart or to church. On June 26^th, my uncle and 2 of my little cousin's got baptized. My uncle has cancer. It's in his brain. And sunday I found out which I have not shared with anyone that they give him a year. Now I'm not very religious person... I do pray maybe not everyday but I do. I do believe there is a heaven and God. Sunday with everything that's been going on, I sat there in church and the preacher started off by talking about how God heals diseases and disabilities and all I kept thinking is I don't need to be here right now. This is not the place for me. Cause once again I'm not going to lie, lately I'm being tested in my faith department. Seeing my uncle get baptized, I lost it. Well after I heard my greandma cry, then I did. I was doing good till then. She lost it when the preacher looked at him and said one day you won't need that wheelchair anymore.

I guess I've gotten to where I just don't know anymore. They say everything happens for a reason or that God doesn't put more on you that you can't handle... Well I think I've handle about all I can right about now. And I know its not over just yet. I just want that feeling I had back in April when I felt things where going to be okay. Now I'm not so sure. I'm losing my uncle and I feel like I've already one of my best friends. Sometimes I just need a hug and to be told it's going to be okay, even when its not. I know no one said life's not fair. To be honest, I'd rather I go through all this than for me to see someone else suffer... cause it would kill me to see them suffering even if it was someone I wasn't friends with.

Might be a while

Sorry I haven't posted in a few days. I've been struggling with some stuff lately. And I can't say what. I know the point of me writing is to get it out but don't worry I am still writing or will be writing. It's been saved on my computer. Maybe one day I will be able to share that. It's been really hard these past few days. But I'm trying to keep my head up and keep praying. Once I can find something else to write about other than this one thing I will post again I promise. <3

Realization, overcoming, and being happy

Well I thought I had one more letter I had written but I apparently didn't. I stopped writing. I wanted to keep up with it. But I will admit I got depressed. Pretty bad. Sometime in Feb, the vision started messing up and headaches came back and all I kept thinking not again. Turns out somehow the settings had changed in the shunt. I've learned I don't eeed to freak out when something changes in it... That got fixed and then once again in March it messed up. I didn't know what to do.

I learned and I also realized that really this happening was kind of a blessing. I know know thats weird saying, Yes I'd rather have my eyesight back and have like a broken arm or something, I was a different person before this happened. I wasn't me. I thought I was me but I wasn't, I thought I was happy and I wasn't. I was so unhappy and miserable. I would snap at someone at a moments noticed and everything got to me. And I will be the first to admit that and I will be the first to say I'm sorry to anyone. But I was sick and didn't know it and obvisously was fo a while. Even after we found out what was wrong with me some people wouldn't/couldn't accept that.  We are no longer friends and to be the better person I hope the best for her. Now there are other friends that have drifted. I know it happens. It's part of life and it sucks majorly. These friends know who they are and they know that I love them. I just can't be that friend anymore. I would love to be that friend again.

But as you can imagine I did get bad depressed. And by beginning of March I think I had maybe cried a total 6 times.  For someone who was going through what I was going through to be honest that wasn't enough. I'm going to be honest I felt like if I cried I was letting people down. Everyone was telling me I needed to be strong that I needed to keep my head up, and keep my faith and to not give up. If I cried it was like I was giving up. So maybe that was why I had such a good attitude about everything.  When March hit I was done, I was ready to throw in the towel. Then the one day I put up on my facebook status and yes facebook,  I put something about I was done. I got a message from Charlie. Not to give up and that he knew times were rough but I couldn't give up ane if I ever needed someone to talk to I could call or text him. And lately at that point I had been snapping at people telling me not to give up but I couldn't at him.  Let me give you  small little background on him. Charlie is someone I went to high school with. And year ago his life changed just like mine except a little differently. He got told he had leukemia. Two months later my thing happened so we kind of talked off and on checking on each other till that day. 2 days later I sent him a text and we haven't went a day without talking since. Now he has become one of my bestest friends and we are currently dating. We started dating on April 22. I can't really tell you how it started. It was suppose to be friends that needed someone to talk. I've never been happier. And he has been really amazing with me an my vision. If things don't work out with us I hope we do stay friends because of the friendship we did develop. And he also has set a standard for future guys if there is. And I'm not going to say I hope there isn't because it's way too early for that. But he's amazing. He has a little girl who is adorable as anything, a mom that I love to death and I haven't met his sister yet but I'm sure I'll love her too. He reached me when no one else couldn and that I am thankful. Will be forever in his debt. And they say facebook is a bad thing... I'll have to disagree.
Ok I'm done for the night. I'm off to bed Might not write again till friday or saturday. <3

Being readmtted and first surgery!

Hello. Sorry I didn't post yesterday. Yesterday was a rough day for me. Let's seee where I left off I was just released from the hospital. Things seemed to get better from there. A little bit. I was starting to get where I could answer my phone without any help and was slowly able to see the screen to text and that was exciting. I was slowly able to be connected to the outside world from me room. Though I was having to be babysat. It was like I was xixty. Like I had come full circle. I'll never forget my first visit vack down in Charleston, the resident I had been seeing while I was in the hospital was the resident I seeing that day, He was so excited about that progress I was having. He was amazed. Now I guess I should explain. My nerves we severtly damaged. Especailly in my right eye. Theyhave never been able to understand why my right eye was more damaged but it happened that way. My cranial nerve was also messed up. They didn't know if it was severed or not. And it made my right eyelid close completely. I was still on steroids and it was helping with the swelling. So he was happy. So I continued to see the doctors it seemed like for every 2 weeks. I think the first week in October I had a bonfire at my house where my friends came and hung out. Then about November I noticed things were changing. That's when they were taking me off the steroids. My vision starting to changing. I remember breaking down and crying. I had a MRI done and they found out I had a narrow vein. Which could mean the pressure building up all those years before. So they schedule me a angio-gram. You may think I'm weird or strange, but that thing was so neat. I got to see the veins in my head. Haha. Yes I'm the weird one. I found it fascinating. They did it to see about putting a stint in the veins which is something new. Well they determined the stint wouldn't be worth it. And then that Neuro-surgeon was done with me .December 13, 2010 I broke down. I remember sitting on my couch at my house by myself and just cried. On December 15, 2010 I was being readmitted into MUSC. A week before my 26^th birthday. They were talking about surgery. Since the stint was out, the only other option was a shunt.

That week was really scary, aggravating and a lot of first for me. I had to get a lunbar punture which was not my first. I got to see Patrick. My favortie guy that works down there in the radiology room. But first they tried it on the floor and numbed my back good.... So by the time I got down to the room I didn't feel a thing. Patrick just laughed at me. It's bad when i'm not from Charleston and I've gotten to know these people. That night I felt it thought. They were giving my pain medicine all night. And it was so hard for me to get up out of bed. I had to get fresh frozen plasma also. Too make my blood thcker. I itched so bad. Daddy just laughed at me. I personally didn't find it funny. But I knew by the time I left that radiology room I was going into surgery. They were going to do the surgery the same day but I just had to eat. So surgery was scheduled for 10 the next morning. So naturally I couldn't eat after midnight. The nurses, bless their hearts, even came in and moved my gatorade and candy so I wouldn't be tempted. The next day rolled around and I had the worse nurse ever. He was so awful. Like I said my surgery was scheduled at 10. well apparently they had a lot of emergencies and he failed to tell us. At 11 when the tech who checks your vitals came, Beverly, she told me. Then that's when he came in. So at this point we didn't know when I was going into surgery. I waited all day, with nothing to eat except just the fluids they had me hooked up to. I was so mad. He told us by 5 we would know. I gave him till 6 to come in and tell me. It was going on 24 hours of no food and he was thnking I was fine because I had fluids. I finally demaded that I talk to a doctor not him. So once again surgery was rescheduled but they couldn't give us a time. I woke up at like 6 AM and was talking to the nurses. The nurses said they would see if the list was up yet, she hadn't taken 2 steps out of my room when she got the call to have me ready they would be there in 2 minutes to get me. I had to call my dad and tell him cause he was staying at a hotel. They took me to preop and next thing I know I'm being pushed back into my room and I wanted Subway. I just had my first surgery and it was brain surgery. I have a tiny hold on the side of my skull and a tube that runs from it to my stomach. It's so weird. Ok now that I've bored you to death with all of that nonsense. I was released the next day on the 20^th and two days later I celebrated my 26^th birthday with my closets friends at Fatz. I couldn't of asked for a better birthday either. I did exactly what I wanted. Granted it wasn't what normal 26 year olds do but I'm not living the normal life any more. And I probably never will. I know my life has changed tremedously and I've changed. I'm not the same person I was before. I am but I'm not. I'm a lot stronger but in the same sense I'm a lot vulnerable.. Ok I think I've said enough for the day. Until next time!

Letter number 4

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

5:45 A.M.

Dear You,
It's been a few days since I've been written. I wanted to give it a few days so I would have some things to talk about but not that I'm writing I don't knoow what to say. It's so early in the morning, I'm so tired. I'll probably go back to sleep after I take my medicine. which is two hours from now.
Not sure if I already told you, but I finish my 2nd actual book and like my sixth one since I've been able to see. I've read four of them off the nook my grandma got me. That thing is so neat. I've already moved on to my 7th book. But this book, Kiss The Girls, it was so good. I found myself rooting for the girls in the book and trying to guess to the killers were before I found out who they were. I have fallen in love with James Patterson. He writes the most suspenseful books. I really cannot wait to get more of the Alex Cross series. as you can tell I love to read. As I do know I've said before it gives you this place to escape. To imagine what those characters are going through. I always put myself in the story like I'm in the background watching in unfold as I read it. I guess that's where I can get my imagination from.
I got a text from my manager I use to work for at Applebee's and this girl that started after I got sick had her baby and it passed away. I've met her once. She was really nice. It's really sad a baby passed away. She was only like a couple weeks old. They took her to MUSC. I wish they could of done for her what they did for me and my niece. I know they aren't miracle workers down there but they are my angels and so many others too. I'll never understand death but I don't think anyone will ever understand it. Especially with kids. Just to hear about it breaks my heart.
I've never really got into that show Extreme Makeover Home Edition. Well yesterday I watched it and it had me tearing up. It had this family who would adopt kids that had problems, health problems, you know the ones that most people would be like that's so sad but yeah we don't want that one. They had this one little boy, Jake. He stole me heart. I iHe was born with every bone in his body broken. And the adopted mom said you can picked him up and if his arm breaks he will just look at you and say mom my arm just broke I'm sorry. Why would a child have to apologize for that? Why should a child have to go through that? His whole family will out live him. His life wth never be normal. It does make me grateful for mine. If I ever meet someone who will take me as I am blind and all. I want to adopt. And i want to do like that family, I want the kids that no one wants. Those kids deserve love too. Just because they are different doesn't mean a thing. How would you feel if it was you like that and no one wanted you? It wouldn't feel to great would it?
So I was thinking, I don't know who all is going to be reading this if anyone is but maybe I should tell you things about me. Well if you are reading this then you might already know my name but if not it's Stephanie. I'm 26. Just four months ago I went blind due to some health problems. Personally I feel like I'm a good person. I know there are some people out there who have a difference of a opinion but they knew me at a different time in my life. People change. I've always been told I have a good heart. You just got to get to know me. I am stubborn as hell though. I will admit that. I get it from my dad. It's why we can't get along. I cherish my friends till no end, especially now. Some of them it might be a little to late for but I'm trying. In the past I have been a horrible friend and I'll be the first to admit that. But there are some friends out there that I've been better friends to than they have to me. But that's ok I and they will always know that and things will change. I'm not afraid to tell people how i feel anymore. I've learn life too short to hold back and I'm not going to spend the rest of my life fighting. My friends are my family. As you can tell from before my family isn't that close. Though my mom's side seems to be closer. Even though every now and then things will tear it apart. That side is prone to drugs and not to air out my family's dirty laundry but almost all of them have been on drugs. I personally have never touched the stuff. My mom was not a part of my life because of it. I've watched it tear a family apart. She met my step-dad and got sober and has been since. If i think about it it hurts that her daughter couldn't get her sober but I'm glad she met someone who could though cause if she kept going the way she was she might have ended up dead. My mom and I have always had a rocky relationship. When I was younger I would go to her and tell her things because I yearned for that mother/daughter relationship. I hoped for it. And just one day I snapped and I was done. I couldn't do it anymore. It hasn't been the same since. She's been trying though and I'm trying to let her. It's just hard.
My dad on the other hand, as much as we butt heads, he is my hero. And I know I'm a girl and most girls their dad is but he has had to play mom and dad my whole life. He has had me since I was eighteen months old. My mom did the right thing and gave me to him instead of dragging me through the drugs and stuff. I'm really daddy's little girl. I so appreciate everything he has ever done for me and I guess one of my biggest fears is he will never know it. I hope one day I can show him. I know this whole thing with me scared him. God has blessed me with a great dad. I wish he could find a woman to settle down with. I know he's 50 but people get married all the time. And he deserves to be loved and have someone to love. I hope that I get better and am able to get on my feet well enough to move out and maybe he can relax and find someone. He deserves it.
Ok well my head is starting to hurt a little so I think I'm done. I'll write a litte more later if I can. Maybe let you in a little more. More into knowing me. Thanks for reading. Until next time
Love,
SNB

Letter number 3

Friday, January 21, 2011
9:30 P.M.
Dear You,
Today was an okay day. I really didn't do much. I hung around the house like I normally do. I had a doctors visit today. I got my stitches out. Turns out the stitches was not disolvable like they said they was. And I only gained a pound since November. For someone who just lays around that's pretty good, I guess. While waiting for the to be called there was this baby in the room that sounded so cute. It only reminded me of what I will never have. I know that I can't say that. But really if you think about it, who would want to have kids with someone who has all these health issues. What guy in their right mind who want to put up with me? The one thing I've wanted in my life and I might not ever get it. And that really hurts me. I just don't get it.
After the doctor, my dad and I went to Applebee's where I use to work. I saw some of my friends and the people I use to work with. I miss those people like crazy. These people are my family. People who have been there for me. They always bring a smile to my face no matter what. I'll never know if I'll ever be able to be back with them. Not like I use to. Things use to be so different.
All I want is some kind of sign that things are going to be okay. That I'm going to be okay. That's all I'm asking for is some kind of sign. Give me a sign
Love,
SNB

When reality set in...

My last week in the hpspital is really when reality set in. I got moved to a regular room on a Friday. And that's when they started to slow down on the pain medicine. I feel in love with iv pain medicine. It helps instantly. I can see why people get addicted. Haha. Ok enough of that. The next day my dad came down and I believe on that sunday Jenifer, her mom and Leslie came from Myrtle Beach to see me and also as another Surprise Kim and Leon came down. On Monday. my mom, step dad and grandma was down. That day I had a eye doctor's appointment, and I got so hot I ended sick in the doctor's office. I was so embarassed. I did meet a nice guy name Jay from Little Rock, Arkansas. He was a studest there and stayed by my side till the nurse came to get me. Then I had to do this test where they put these electobe things on my head. And I had to see these dots things or what I could see from it. I still wasn't feel good. I felt awful and was freaked out. I got back to my room where the floor nurse fussed because they didn't bring my straight back when I got sick. Cause it could mean pressure was building back up in my head. So once again I had to leave the room and go have a CT scan done. Thankfully the results came back clear. The doctors agreed that maybe it's beause I got too hot. They gave me Zofran to settle my stomach and I slept. I didn't want food or anything. I just wanted sleep.

Tuesday morning, my first day alone, without being drugged up, watching Rosanne of all things. The episode where Darlene goes into labor and she might lose the baby, I guess you can say that's when really when reality set in. I cried for a little. Then later on that day was when the resident optomologist came in and I asked him my chances of getting my vision back. Wednesday, my luck seemed to be changing. Because of the blood clots and the blood disorder, I had to be put on blood thinners and this entire time I was there I had an IV in with a blood thinner hooked up to it. Before I could get released my blood had to become what they called theraputic. If any normal person was to go and get their pt inr check it would or should be at a 1. Mine needed to be between 2-3. On Wednesday mine was at 1.9 so I was close. they told me I might be going home that Friday. Well also that same day they started me on the IV steroids. So now I had two ivs in me. Tuesday and Thursday were my only days alone. Wednesday Aamber and her step dad came down and then that night Keith, Brandon, and Amber came to visit. I loved having visitors. Thursday wasn't so bad cause I got the news my blood was theraputic and that I was going home. I was so happy. I was telling anyone and everyone who called. Also because of the steroids I started to see more out of my left eye better. and I could read the word Ensure on the Ensure bottle. I could tell there was a bowl on my plate. I could look out my door and see the frame of a picture on the wall. Couldn't give you details but I knew it was there. I remember Kim calling and me telling her and her crying. I was so excited about it and here she was crying. But that one of the reasons why I love her.

On discharge day, my dad came down, and they did one more dose of sterioids, and my physical therapist came to walk with me one last time. I could see the stairs. Her name was Kim also. She was so shocked at how much strength I had for someone who had been laying in the bed for 3 weeks. I think we left around 1 or so. We got back home and I was ready for a shower. My first shower in 3 WEEKS. The entire time I was in there I couldn't shower cause I was hooked up to that freaking machine. It felt like heaven. Or what I imagine what heaven would feel like. Haha. That night I went to Applebee's to see everyone at work. I got a warm welcome. With most of the people nI worked with and a lot of my friends outside of work I couldn't ask for a better support group. This was the beginning of my new life. I guess you can say a better life. A better me.

Letter number 2

Thursday, January 20, 2011

8:30 P.M.

Dear You,
Today was a good day. This morning I went out to eat for breakfast with my cousins and their families. It was nice. I wish we were closer. I wish we were all closer. But too much crap goes on and I don't think we will ever be. I know things change. We were once close. My family use to be a good family. We use to get together at all the holidays with no problem and have fun and laugh. Then I guess life happened. We all grew apart and changed and some not for the best either. With Everthing I've been going through I might not ever have a husband or have kids like I've always wanted. This is all I have. Might be all I get which sucks. Another thing that makes me so angry.
I went to lunch with one of my best friends Kim. well she had lunch I was still kind of full from breakfast but I did get a blueberry muffin. I don't get to see my friends much so when I do, I cherish it. We just sat there and talked. It felt good. Like I said I had a good day.
The lady from the social security place called today and did my interview today instead of next week. Which i guess is good. Better now than later. So hopefully if I get approved for disability we can get it started and get some of this hospital bills paid. I will be paying on this stuff till I'm eighty and it only keeps adding up. I guess as longs as I get better it will be worth it, I guess. I'm almost done with my second actual book I've been reading. Yay! So I'm excited about that. One thing I do love is reading. I'm really glad I have that to do. To take me to a different world to live in. Well I'm really tired and I have a doctors appointment tomorrow so I'm signing off. Until next time.
Love,
SNB

What I remember and the stuff I did while in the hospital

Hello to all.  Here is my daily update. I hope you all enjoyed that letter. I should be posting the others also. But to pick up where I left off. Like I said I don't remember much about my stay at Mary Black or ICU at MUSC.  I do remember some things though.

When I was at Mary Black apparently I woke up talking to my dad about my grandma giving permission to adopt a baby. (I was on morphine) I was apparently mean to the eye doctor coming in according to Eric. Haha I guess morphine can make me mean. I don't know. I remember having visitors. I know Kim, Erin, Stephanie, Eric, Aamber, Laura H.,Carrie and some of my family came...I was told that my friends from work came oh and Kayla practically lived there. Then Saturday night I was airlifted about 9:30. I don't anything about the flight. This was my first time flying. Ever. My firwt memory of MUSC is waking up in a room by myself. hooked to machine. I had a lunbar drain in my back to drain some of the spinal fluid and pressure of my brain. I tore it. Yes you read that right. I tore the drain out my back. Which in the end I could of killed myself. I remember yelling in pain cause I felt this stinging. A few months ago I found these papers they sent home with me, in it said the drain accidently fell out. I laughed when I read that, cause I know the truth. They put me under, when I came to, I had my hands in restrains, and mittens on my hands so I couldn't tear anything, a part of my head was shaved and was crack open with a tube and a monitor coming out of it. My mom thought I was going freak but I didn't. I was surprisingly calm throughout this whole thing. Oh my times in ICU didn't end there. The tube and monitor was long and was being held up by this pole behind me. Being blind I didn't know that. I stretched and touched the pole. Bad idea, especially when the nurse was walking through the room. She asked me if I wanted to die. And once again I was under and woke up restrained.... yeah I wish I could say that was the end. It wasn't. There was this other time I was in that trasition sleep where what was on tv worked into my dreams. I thought I was in a car tied up in a tree and I ended up pulling all my IVs out. Needless to say I was not a good patient. I was losing my mind in that room. I could of sworn they moved me to 5 different times and that my nurse Grace gave me a bath in this tube thing that you go tubing in. When they cut the tube and monitor out, I'll never forget that feeling. Not to gross anyone out, the feeling of fluid running down the side of my face and in my ear I'll never forget. I have stories to share. I can at least say that. I stayed sick that whole first week. I know all I wanted at first was apple juice, peaches, and vanilla pudding. That stuff doesn't taste good coming back up. Sorry but it doesn't. I didn't eat I think for at least a week and half it seemed like. I couldn't even smell the food without getting sick. No one could figure out why. I knew why but they didn't want listen to me. They were giving me oxycodone and that makes me sick. The last night I was in ICU, my angel nurse, Lisa read my chart and no mre sickness. The next morning I got my first taste of french toast and bacon. I loved it.

In those 3 weeks I lost 30 lbs I believe it was. Gained a lot of it back because of steroids. During ICU I remember my visitors. I don't remember Kayla coming but I know she did. Of course my mom and dad, Jenifer and her mom came. By the time they came I was all happy and talkative. My aunt Sandra and Uncle Patrick came to visit. My aunt demanded me to get better so we can go see Breaking Dawn in November. My stepsister came down, for two reasons, my niece had her heart transplant was done down there so she still has visits down there. My niece got upset cause she wasn't got upset because she wasn't allowed down to see me. On my last night in ICU I got a nice surprise, Aamber, Julia and Cory came to visit. And yes for those who know from high school it was Cory Suptin.

I had amazing support group. And I still have. I've learned so much about myself. I've learned how strong I can be. The say you never know how strong you are till you have to be. And I believe it. I've gotten to see the best in people and I've unfortunately gotten to see the worse in people. You really do find out who your real friends are when you really need them. And I'm so thankful for the ones I have, for the ones I've gained also. Everybody has been so awesome. I can sit here and think about high school and think of where I wanted my life to go. If you would of told me I would be here I would of laughed.  My life is different i can tell you that. But call me crazy, I'm happy. I have my life, my friends, my family and just started dating an amazing guy who I will talk about later on. Anyways, I hope you found some of this amusing. I know I laugh everytime I tell the stories of the ICU. At least I have a good attitude. Much Love!

The First Letter

This is not my regular post. That will be posted later. So you get 2 today. This was something I started but didn't keep up with so theres only like 4-5 of them. Enjoy!

Wednesday, January 19, 2011
7:55 P.M.
Dear You;
I don't know who will read this. I'm not sure anyone will every read this but i need to talk to someone. And well i'd rather to "talk" to no one and get it all out and not get a response back than talk to someone who is going to try and pretend they understand or try to reason with me. I feel like if I try and talk to someone they want to talk to me like I'm stupid or dumb for feeling the way I do. I'm sorry that I do feel that way. I've been through literal hell and still there i feel like. I don't know what else to do. I almost lost my life and that was scary. That's even scary to think about. I remember before it happened thinking about the people i went to high school with and hearing about them dying thinking Gpd they are my age. They all of sudden mine was almost taken. which do not get me wrong I will be forever grateful that I didn't and that I got a second chance to change everything around. Which I don't think i was living a bad life. I know there was somethings that was questionable if i could go back i would never have done any of it. So if this is my punishment then well I hope it's over with soon cause I don't think I can handle it much longer. I was relatively happy. I was getting there I thought. I was back in school, getting my life together and bam my life changed. Now I can't see well and I'm on all kinds of medicine. I go to all kinds of doctors and might be this way for the rest of my life. I really hope not. People just don't understand. Unless you are going through or have went through what i am then you will never know. I know life isn't fair. And things happen for a reason, but what reason would it be to take someones vision away. i would not wish this on my worst enemy but why me? Maybe one day I'll find out the answer to that, maybe not. I don't know. All I know is I'm not doing what most twenty-six years old are doing. I sit at home all day every day. I miss my life. I miss work. I miss my friends. Everyone keeps saying keep your head up, it will get better I promise. Well I've always been taught and i've always lived by don't make promises you can't keep. That's one promise no one can make sure of. I think I've done a good job of keeping my faith in believing things with get better but it's starting to dwindle. Some days seem better. Then there are days where they are just awful and I don't know what to do.
This feels good getting it all out like this. I might use this as like a diary to get it all out so I don't go crazy. Release some of the frustration I have with this. There is a lot. I have a lot of anger, sadness, and confusion in me. I'm mad cause this happened. Even though I did almost die; it literally took my life away. And there is nothing I can do about it. No doctor can fix it. Sad because of all the same reasons. I'm stuck at home. Only getting out when everyone finds time to visit and/or come get me. So I just sit here. And finally confused becaused well why the hell did it happen?
I pray that this is over soon. I have my faith and beliefs. I really hope it's over soon. It's just so hard to keep believing everything is going to be okay. So hard. I thank God I still have my life. That's no secret. And I will be forever in his debt as i already am i guess but will so show it if i get better. Well my head is starting to hurt. So until next time.
Love,
SNB

The Beginning of my new life

So I'm new the whole blogging and posting and really letting people know exactly how I feel. Some people think they really know how I feel or felt since this whole thing happened.  Ok wait ... Let me introduce myself incase you are just a passer by and randomly reading and let me explain what happened. My name is Stephanie. I'm a 26 year old female. And on August 26, 2010 my life changed forever. Really it started 3 years before that.
 I was living in Mrytle Beach and starting getting these migraines that landing me in the ER 3 times within 24 hours. I had shots, pain meds, CT scan and a spinal tap. Conclusin I had some they called psuedo-tumor celebrae(false brain tumor). To explain pressure builds up on my brain and eyes apparently and gives the signals of a brain tumor, which isn't really there. So as you can imagine for 3 years I lived with migraines. I got accustomed to them, worked with them. Unless to sent me to bed I never let them put me out of comission.
 For the whole month of August and maybe some of July I was in pain. Thought is was a tooth, had a tooth pulled. That didn't help. So then tried a chiropractor and for a day I felt better. The next day which was August 26 I was sitting in class and felt like death. I said through 3 classes and couldn't take it anymore. I went home and slept. Woke up to call out of work and I'm sure my GM thought I was lying. I drove myself to Mary Black Hospital which was close to my job, I don't know what I was thinking. I think in my mind I was thinking I'll go in here they will get it to stop hurting and then I'll go by work give my excuse.
 Guess the joke was on me. They doped me up good and sent me home. I think I got home about 9:30 that night. I crawled in the bed and woke up not being able to see. I had to wake my dad by feeling my way to his room. All I remember is him asking if it can wait till morning and I said no we need to go now. After that it became a blur to me. Oh I forgot to mention they never ran any test on me or anything.
 I got admitted and that's when the test began. They found 2 blood clots in the return veins. One of the clots had completely closed the vein up. The doctors were more concerned with how the clots got there than why I lost my vision. On August 28th, they told my parents I had a 20% chance of living. That they had to fly me to Charleston, which later I found out they could of killed me by doing that from the pressure changes in the air. In the end I was in the hospital between MB and MUSC for 3 weeks. I don't remember much. Waking up blind was scary but to be honest I was that scared at first. Reality didn't set in just yet. I thought eh these doctors with fix me and I'll be seeing in no time. Until the first day I was really  alone one day in my room. First time ever alone since it happened and I had asked on of the residents what were the chances of my vision coming back and he was honest and said that's a million dollar question. What happened to you is so rare and it could be all, half or none.
 During this I found out I have hereditary blood disorder that makes my blood clot faster than normal, the vein that the blood clot closed up is narrow. What happened to me only happens to 1 out of 1.2 million people. Not a way a girl wants to be told she one in a million let me tell you. As you can tell I've gotten some vision back, not all. Not enough to get my life back. Other things have happened this is just the beginning. I have lots of stories from the hospital stay, when I finally wasn't drugged up and to my first surgery to how great my friends and family was at first, to the friends I've lost and to what I've learned about by myself. Might even venture into my past about things. So if you are reading stick around. Maybe this can help you. It's always nice to know you are never alone or to know you're isn't so bad after all...It could always be worse. Trust me I know.  <3