My year to remember!

I was going to write this later on in the week but under the circumtances I might not be able to get it all out. Friday will be one year my life changed forever. I've changed so much in the last year. In the last year I've almost died, lost my eye sight, had my first time flying on a helicopter no less, first hospital stay, first surgery, lost my life (metaphorically speaking), feel in love, lost some friends, but gained some of the best I could ever ask for, gained a whole new family( who I adore tremendously), lost 2 of the most important people of my life and I've gotten back in church, found my way. So that's a lot for one person to go through in one year.

I've changed so much in just a year. I've come to find out just how strong I am and how much I can handle. I've come to see who my friends are. My true friends. I've gotten closer to my cousin Tiffany. I've lost plenty of friends and it seems I'm still drifting from some of them. But I know that's part of life. It happens. I've gained some amazing friends too and another family. Who I don't know what I'd do without and I'd do anything for. I'm going to say this has been the hardest year of my life and I hope they don't get any harder. I know life isn't suppose to be easy. I knew that from the very beginning. I'm very thankful for what and who I have in my life. I appreciate people and things more. I cherish those around me and I soak those things up and have learn to make as many memories as possible.

Almost losing your life can scare you. And I know most of you are thinking well duh! But unless you had it happen you don't know what I'm talking about. My friend Aamber told me after what happened to me and then knowing about Charlie before she met him that day, she has come to appreciate things and life more. I hope she isn't the only one. I hope to one maybe touch others with what happened to me. And let them know what I've been through and show them here I am still standing smiling and I'm okay. Sometimes my family my mom in-particular and I know she is going to read this, treats me like I'm a fragile glass doll. I'm not. I'm strong always have been. I have my moments where I am weak and I break down, I know who I can call to pick me up. And I know who I can pray to also pick me up. My faith has never been stronger.

I believe this happened for a reason besides a medical reason. I lost my eye sight for a reason. I believe I'm slowly finding it out. I've been through what I have for a reason. Some things have shown to me and some are still hidden waiting for me to figure out. And maybe I won't ever know them. Maybe it's something my family will have to figure it out. Besides the whole fighting for my life and having to get use to my eye sight, I think losing Charlie and my uncle Robbie has been the hardest things this year. If you've been reading you know about Charlie and if you've been keeping up with my status' on facebook you know about my uncle passing around on the 23 of August. I do have something wrtten out for him but I'm reading it at his service so that will be posted after his service on Friday. I want them to hear it first. But I will tell you something ironic. It gave my aunt Sandra cold chills. The day we lay him to rest will be the day of my one year I had started my fight to live. I say my uncle planned it. I know he didn't. There was a lot of ironic things that I will have to tell you guys about after Friday but that was one I wanted to share.

Things are different now. And things will never be the same. I'm still the same Stephanie. Slightly different. I'm happier. I'm sadder. I'm stronger. And I love a lot more. A lot of people hope to one day change the world, well I'm one of those people. And I hope one day I can get my year out there and change someone's life. It only takes one person. I had one person change mine. Well technically 2 so now maybe I can tell their story since they are no longer with us and mine and that can change someone elses' life. I know I told Charlie at one point everybody has a story to tell and some are worth being written out and told. Anyways this may not be exactly what I wanted to write but my mind is going everywhere this morning. But this is my year to remember in a nut shell. <3

The Who's,what's. when's. where's. how's and why's

There are things in our lives that we will never understand. Things that are beyoud our control. But we always wonder those questions. Why was I given this life? Why did both my grandpas' get cancer? Why is it that Kenny got to do what he did and still gets the good life and I end up blind and alone? Why did Charlie get leukemia and none of the treatments work? Why is my uncle suffering with cancer? Why do kids go without every day? And then there are the how's... How can they be some much money for cancer research but yet no cure? How can we live each day knowing one day the person or even ourselves one day we won't be here? The What's...What will happen after we are gone? What will our future hold(which we have always wondered since we can remember) even what's going through that person's head as they do something? ...Who's.. Who will take care of things? Who is responsible for things? Who will step up and take the responsibility? Who gets to say this is what's going to happen in my life, I get to decide that, Who is the right person for us? Where's... Where is this life going? Where do I want to go? Where is everything I dreamed of? And finally When.... When will it be my turn? When will things start to look up? When does things start to make sense?

We've all asked those questions at one point in time. If not all. Maybe not the exact ones but they might be worded different. I know I have. Especially in the last year. I've written about Charlie before and I'm not going through that story again. But meeting up with him again and getting back in church(which I'm not going to get all preachy) and I'm currently reading a book the preacher gave me to read and to me I know the answer to all these questions.

Faith. I've always had a big thing about faith. All my life I have. I've lost my faith or well it has faltered a time or two. But you gotta have faith that things will work out. That things happen for a reason. Either it may be good or bad but in the end it happened for a reason. Now I'm not saying faith is why Charlie passed away. But we gotta have faith to know that there is a reason why is he is no longer here. And faith isn't why my uncle is suffering from cancer but we gotta have faith that maybe just maybe he can magically be healed or that he won't suffered for long. I've learned faith is believing even when nothing seems fair... and Trust me I know a lot about things not being fair.

I am going to talk about church for a little bit here. I'm not the type of person to push my beliefs onto someone. Everyone has their own beliefs and the way I look at it is everyone is right but everyone isn't. We can't prove no one wrong in their beliefs. As long as you know what you believe and stick to it why argue over or judge someone? I have plenty of friend of different religions. Or that don't believe. That doesn't change mine. On July 31^st and yes it happens to be the very same day Charlie passed away, I made the decision to join Anderson Mill Road Baptist Church. Not even 3-31/2 hours he passed away. And I said I was going to take it as a sign I was right where I needed to be. The wednesday before I had sat down with the preacher and had an hour long talk with him about everything in my life. My health, my uncle and Charlie. I started off telling him I'm not the person to talk to someone about my problems and i'm not.. I deal with them on my own. And I hate crying in front or to someone. So he knew it was a big deal for me to have never met him that I was sitting beside him. I've never been so honest with someone about everything in my life. I went in there feeling I had all the troubles and worries of the whole world on my shoulders and left feeling like it was all gone. He told me that he believed I was brought to that church for a reason. I had been a member and felt comfortable in a church since my days at Saxon and that has been well over 10 years ago. So i'm excited ahout this new journey I have going. I'm not going to change. I'm still ol' Stephanie. Just happy. I'm going to have my moments of depression cause lets face it... go through what I have in the last year and lets see who doesn't get depressed. <3

Rest in peace, Charlie. Heaven got a little bit brighter

Yesterday, this world lost a great person. And everyone he knew gained a guardian angel. I'm human so naturally I want to be selfish and want him back on this earth, but I'm glad he isn't suffering anymore and is in a better place. And I know that. Charlie wasn't just my best friend, he became my angel from the start. I can tell this story over and over. So I will. Back in March, I was giving up. Who wouldn't. I'm blind, at the time it seemed I was losing everything. All I did was lay in my bed and do nothing. I cried all the time. And on this specific day, March 30th, I decided that was it, I was giving up. Just so happens, God had others plans. That same day I got this email from a certain guy that told me not to give up, that I need to have faith and that he knew life was hard but it will get better. He gave me his number and told me if i needed to talk I could call or text him anytime. Of course it was Charlie. At this point I had so many people send me stuff telling me how much they admire me and I didn't need to give up and if i ever needed to talk I could call them, people I haven't seen or talked to since high school. Which I appreciated but I brushed off because I was thinking far as I know you haven't had something happen like me that so life changing that turns your world upside, how could you possibly understand. But Charlie did. He had leukemia. Two days later I texted him. Something was telling me too, so I did. And it was one of the best decisions I've ever made. From that day forward my phone never left my hand till this started to go bad and he went kind of distant with me.
I was in this darkness I wouldn't admit back then and he pulled me from it. He gave me back my life. He showed me what it was like to laugh, love and to take risk again. MUSC may have saved my life but he saved me.. He really was an amazing person. Even if he didn't so. I would tell him so many times he amazed me. He had the most beautiful little girl. She was our first conversation. He loved her so so very much. Over the next few months, he gave me a lifetime of memories. Stuff I will never forget. We did have a brief relationship and in the end he was back where he wanted to be, with his wife and his little girl. And I'm glad he got that. But to be honest he helpe me move on completely from awful 7 year thing with an ex. I'll never look at Johnny Cash, Gary Allan or Jamey Johnson the same. He got me to get over my fear of going into the movies with my vision. He was the first person who got me to watch a movie in a theatre. Lake Bowen will never be the same. We both grew in our faith in God together. Even when the odds were against us. I took a chance on getting close to him knowing this day could come. I hate that it did. I wish I could have saved him. But I know he was tired of fighting. And I'm glad he isn't suffering anymore. Anyone who knew him is lucky to know him. I'm glad I got the chance to reknow him. I told him from the beginning he had a friend till the end and I stuck to my word. I was there till the very end. I don't think Jennifer and I had left his side no more than 10 mins for his dad to spend time with him when he passed. I got to say my goodbyes to him in my own way. He knows I love him. And Just like Jennifer anytime it rains I know he will be with me. And I will see him again. I know he's watching over me. He was a great man. We both believed there was a reason why we came back into each other lives. Well I think it was so he could do for me what he did. There's no question about that.
"When I come to the end of my journey
and I travel my last weary mile
Just forget if you can, that I have frowned
And remember only the smile.
Forget unkind words I have spoken;
Remember some good I have done.
Forget I ever had heartache
And remember I have had loads of fun.
Forget that I have stumbled and blundered
And sometimes fell by the way.
Remember I have found some hard battles
And won, ere close of the day.
Then forget to grieve for my going,
I would not have you sad for a day,
But in summer just gather some flowers
And remember where I lay,
And come in the shade of the evening
When the sun paints the sky in the west.
Stand for a few moments beside me
And remember only my best."