Getting things off my mind....

I know it’s been since I wrote about the beach since I’ve updated the blog. I’m going to be honest. I’ve been cheating on the blog with two other writing things. None which no one will get read by anyone (sorry guys). It’s my way of dealing with stuff. I’m also not going to lie, things have been hard lately. It’s not getting easier. Time suppose to heal right? I know it has worked before but this time I think its going to take a lot longer. For one it was just one person it was two within a month and it was Charlie. I’m not saying he was more special than my uncle. I think I had more time to prepare for him. I knew a year and half ago that with good treatment he had 3 years. Charlie’s we had hope. I think of him often and when I say often I mean everyday. a lot of things that go on in my life remind me of him. His bear sits beside my bed. I listen to his playlist we both kind of made a lot. I often wonder where we would be today. I’ve fallen in love with his family. They are great. On Oct 13^th we got together and did a Light the Night Walk. The Leukemia and Lymphoma Society put it on at Furman University. Our team’s name was Charlie’s Angels. Our team came in 2^nd with raising over 2,000 dollars. I think, if I remember correctly, over the span of all the walks that were put on over U.S. over 100,000 dollars raised or something like that. Which is awesome. Leukemia doesn’t get recognized as much as it should. I’ve learned a few things. Like every 4 mins someone gets diagnosed and every 10 mins someone dies. or is it vice versa? I get those numbers switched. I know they are right just not sure which spot they go in. Don’t get my wrong. I have a best friend whose mom is a breast cancer survivor, my grandmother is a ovarian cancer survivor and another friend;s mom just got done with treatments for ovarian cancer. But it’s sad that there are a lot of cancers that don’t get recognized as much as others. They are all bad.
But anyways. Yes I’ve been down. I believe I go to his facebook everyday. I still have his last set of text him my phone. I won’t read those because they were when things got bad between us and his was so mean to me. But every now and then I will charge my other phone and look at those. The ones I will probably never get rid of. The Charlie I fell for. The Charlie I got to know. Sometimes I’ll sit there and I’ll think of the days I would visit him and remember the movies we watched and the conversations we had. I think I’m scared it I don’t remember those I’ll forget them. I remember my first visit with him ever. First time I had seem him in 8 years, I had an appt at the cancer with my blood doctor after our visit. and it was his first time ever making usre I didn’t trip or fall.I think we were both nervous. He said he would make sure he fell before I did. Of course I didn’t want that. He didn’t need to fall and I didn’t need to. So I think right there started our protectiveness over each other. All we did was talk about the hospitals and all that jazz. We just had that instant connection. By our next visit oh something had started between us. We both had admitted to each other about knowing something was there but wasn’t sure about going for it. Anyways, On our next visit, we watched Walk the Line, in which he held my hand. My inner teenage girl was so freakin excited! I hadn’t been like that over anyone is suck a long time. I remember my stomach having the funny feeling in. And I believe that day he also made me a cd. That I will cherish forever. We both had that love for music. That’s another thing that connected us together. We talked a lot about movies and music. So go figure our first movie was Walk the Line. Johnny and June will never be the same. I even got him to listen to that country song Johnny and June and he said he loved that song.
He gave me the courage to do things. I never had fear when I was with him. He got me to go see my first movie in the theaters with my vision the way it is. That was Rio. Cute movie. I bought it. It came out not long after he passed away. Its still in the plastic. I can’t bring myself to open and watch it. I’m afraid I’ll cry. I’ve been talking to his sister Holly a lot lately. It helps. We are actually talking about going to the movies soon. So it will be good for my next adventure to the movies to be with her. Everyone is having it rough. I think we all are dealing with it the best we can. His mom and I talked about how its getting harder than easier. I know it takes more than a day, a week, a month, and in her case it could take years. But I just wish it didn’t have to at all. I said this to someone one day. I’d rather deal with the heartache of losing him, as a boyfriend and friend, than losing him forever.
The more I think about him the more I do wonder if I will be okay. I tell people I will be. But I’m not so sure. I know one day, maybe, I need to move on. Cause I know he wouldn’t want me to be alone. I mean two days before he passed he told me himself I will make someone very happy one day. I know some people are thinking you didn’t date very long or whatever.. But you didn’t see or know the connection we had. It was strong and it was fast. Nothing like anything I’ve dealt with in the past. I just hope he’s okay. I believe he is. I believe he is watching over me, his mom, dad, Holly, Jane, Billy, Jennifer, Riley, Chris, Brian, anyone else he was close to and especially his beautiful little Blue Bear, Caitlyn. Who just turned 2. It breaks my heart he won’t be here physcially to see her grow up.. But she will know who her faither is, and how great of a man he was.
Writing helps get it out. Today was one of those days I had to get it out. Thanks for listening!

My 12 day get- away!

Sorry I haven't really been writing much lately.. Some things have been going on..... With me personally... but anyways. I had said I would write about my beach trip and that is what I amm doing.

On September 1, I had a check up in Charleston (which I got good news!) The news was that I could see a little bit better out of my right eye, which is my most damaged eye. I thought after all the stress I had been under and the crying it had gotten worse. I still don't see a difference. But according the charts and what I could read it's gotten a little better.

Anyways, also that day I went an hour and half away from there to Myrtle Beach. To my friend Jenifer's house, where I use to live to visit for 12 days. When I got back and hack and had to get my inr checked, the lady, who I adore, was talking to me about it she said I didn't go on vacation it was a getaway. I instantly felt better. I was 4 hours away from all the sadness and stress of everything. Though the trip did bring some sadness with it. I had been putting off my beach trip since April or May for Charlie. Because when I was at the beach, he was suppose to be in Charleston getting the tramsplant. So of course I thought of him a lot. But he is always on my mind. That's aaother update to come.

The first thing I did when I arrived there was go to the beach. My dad took Jessica and I(Jessica is one of my awesome friends who takes time out of her schedule and goes to Charleston which us in case I got to go to the restroom, in case you don't know her) to the beach. I started feeling nostalgic for when I use to live there. And this time seeing the ocean my vision didn't act funny which was awesome. After that he took me to where I was staying. Now the people I was staying are really great people. Like a another family to me. I seem to have a lot of those.

My full day there, I got a tattoo. My first one ever. I had this plan for a while just didn't know for sure if I was going to get it then or not. I have nothing against tattoos obviously but I don't believe in just getting them just because eveyone else is getting them. I've always said if I got one I wanted it to mean something to me. Well a month or so before I went I came up with something I wanted. A cross with angel wings. I wanted the eyes in the wings but the eyes are too big so it would have been huge if I had done that. And all the colors been something. Besides the color or the cross. The artist picked that out. The eyes are green... And the reason for that is 1. my eyes are green 2. When looking up color awareness for cancers I came across eye injuries color was green. 3. lymphoma cancer which one of my grandpa's passed away from. It's actually lime green but they told me green would work. Orange is for Charlie (leukemia) Grey is for my uncle (brain cancer) and white is suppose to be an off white color for lung cancer but I guess I can its for bone caner which my other grandpa had both. Also white can stand blindness. It was an expericnce. Wasn't bad as people make it out to be. I'd do it again. The next day we went to broadway at the beach. Where I went to build a bear for the first time ever. And they now have this place called Wonderworks... It looks like an upside down house. And everything looks upside down. I don't know what's on the inside but outside is pretty cool.

I spent most of the week at the house. Jenifer had school. But I had fun. I got to spend time with Mary, Melissa and little miss Caydence. One of those nights we went to the boardwalk, and got ice cream and to see the sky wheel. Which a few nights later went back to so I could get pictures of it with the lights on. That thing is huge. After the week passed that weekend we had it all planned. On that friday Jenifer and I went to Brookgreen Gardens. That place is gorgeous. If you have never been there I highly recommend it. It cost $12 to get in but the tickets are good for 6 days from purchase. Because the place is so huge and you have so much to do. It's actually part of the history of Hungtington Beach. The pagasus is my favorite spot and if I ever get married and have the money to get married there. That spot right there is where I want to get married. They have a zoo, swaps you take a boat through, Jenifer and I had fun cause we kept our eyes out for alligators. They have signs up do not feed or touch alligators... keeps look our for poisonous snakes, alligators, and stinging insects. But that was only near the marsh area. In the gardens they also had a labyrinth. We walked the whole thing. And it some says it symbolizes a new beginning. And what you're suppose to do is as you are walking it think of all the stuff you are thinking been through in the last year and when you get in the middle you take a deep breath and let it all go. It's like a new beginning.

On Saturday we went to Waccatee Zoo. It was Jenifer, Mary, Caydence and I. Caydence was cute trying to feed the animals. She just want to throw it at them. This zoo isn't like any other zoo I've ever been to. All these animals have been donated to them. I don't know which animal I liked more. The one felt more bad for the most was the gorilla. He was in his own little pen alone, far back. We had to stand there for about 10 minutes before I could actually see him. The cute thing about him is he has a dog a pet. The dog you can pet. The dog has one blue eye and one brown eye I believe. But this zoo is like out in the woods. Like way out in the woods. It was neat.

On Sunday, us for we to Hungtington State Park to go to Atalaya's Castle. This is really neat. Who knew South Carolina had a castle here. I sure didn't. Well it's ruins of a castle. This is what I understand and Brookgreen Gardens is part of this story also, Arthur Huntington had it built for his wife because she got sick, I think and the reason why he had it built on the coast is because he believed the salt water had healing powers. This place is so neat. They have some places blocked off like downstairs which it being a castle you can only assume its a dungeon. You can see the servants rooms, their master bedroom, bathroom, kitchen, the icebox, the studio(inside and out) They even have a bathroom with all the original stuff in it.. you just can't go in it. They have it blocked off with like plexi-glass or something like that. But how Brookgreen Gardens comes into it, the wife was a sculptor. Hence the sculptor garden. Another highly recommended place to go.

I came home on the 13^th. I hated leaving. My last night there Jenifer and I went to the beach and walked. I got an awesome picture of the ocean with the full moon light on it. But we just walked and talked. Overall I think the trip did me some good. I know I have been through a lot. And needed time away. Now I think I can deal with what I need to. While I was gone I got some thinking done and have some major changes ahead of me. But changes for the good. I can thank Jenifer and her family for having me and letting come down there. And helping me. Cause they really did.