I hate death.
And I’m not the type of person to hate anything. But in this case I think it’s safe to say it’s okay to hate that. I know we are suppose to rejoice in it. Cause the ones who have passed on are in Heaven and are better and no longer in pain. This might sound selfish and in some cases I’ve been called a selfish person… but what about our pain here, the ones left behind? It just sucks. I guess I’m just in a mood since it’s the holidays.
Yesterday was Thanksgiving. The first one without my uncle. It was different. My uncle Patrick, Aunt Sandra and the kids are in Alabama so we had them missing.. so it just didn’t feel like Thanksgiving. I was laying in bed this morning remembering last years and it was when my vision started messing up again. When we had no clue what was going on and the topic of surgery came up with me. One of my best friends was in the hospitals about to give birth to her first son. Things were so different.
I remember sitting on my aunt’s couch and my uncle getting on his knees to talk to me about everything. Cause he couldn’t walk to me. And if I remember correctly we had just not long found out his tumor and the cancer was gone. They did all kind of scans and test and it was gone. It was a miracle to us. So he was trying to give me the courage to believe everything was going to be okay. Little did we koow it was going to be our last Thanksgiving with him. There is definitely a hole in our family now.
But this Thanksgiving of course just didn’t feel right. We did have Dana there and Kim who lived next door to him and helped them so much. As we sat there and watched the Miami and Dallas game. We laughed and joked about the game at how Robbie hated the cowboys. And he would make fun of Tony Romo. Of course the Carolina/Clemson game came up. He loved his Gamecocks. And Dana is all about Clemson. So I can’t say it was a bad day. We had some laughs. I did sit there with my little cousin Elizabeth and ask her about school, what she was learning. She’s in 5th grade and she is learning, about people who invented things and the oceans lines stuff like that. So I questioned her. We talked about Benjamin Franklin and Mount Everest. Haha.
On a better note, I am doing a lot better I think. Mentally that is. Dealing with everything. The holidays are going to be hard. But I’m getting there. I have been seeing Rosemary and Holly at least once a week, which I love doing. I have so much fun with them. I got to see Caitlyn the other week. She is a babydoll. We took her to the park. She just had a ball playing up and down the slides and screaming. I did get to her talk to me once. I asked her what she was watching and she said Bob bob (Spongebob). she can brighten anybodies day. But I am doing good. I’ve been working on a project of mine that’s been helping and about to start another one that’s going to help me in other ways.
I know as it gets closer to my birthday and Christmas, it’s going to get harder. For the obvious reasons for Christmas. But when it was Charlie’s birthday we would argue (not really argue) over money limits for birthdays and the fact my birthday is so close to Christmas that I didn’t need two things and he would say I did. We were both stubborn and never let up on that. Maybe its silly to think about it. But it was a fun time for us. And it’s a memory, a fun one. I cherish it. His mom and I feel the same way about our birthdays and Christmas. Our birthdays are only 6 days apart. I’m not sure if I’m doing anything for my birthday this year. I haven’t really put much thought into it and really am not to excited to celebrate. Plus every year my birthday puts people in bind with other obligations. I’d rather not go through the hassle. Last year was a big deal to me. This year not so much. But anywys. I wanted to update since I haven’t in a while. I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving. Much love to everyone!
