It's funny how one line in a movie can relate to you. It's like certain songs you listen to. I know I have tons of songs that I can listen to and a certain person or a certain time pops into my head. Today, while making me lunch, my dad was watching Independence Day of all movies and just so happens I was in there when this one line was said “Everybody loses faith at some point in their life.” Which is true. And if you haven't then I admire you.
I know I've lost faith quite a few times and battling with it now. There are things happening that I don't understand and that I will never understand. I'm handling everything the best I can. I refuse to be that same person I was back in March. I don't want people to worry about me. I don't think I've prayed like I have in the last year than I have my entire life. Things in my life. Over this past year, I've learned how strong I really am. How much I really can handle. Now I don't think I can handle much more and with everything going on with certain people and my uncles I believe I'm about to see how much more I can handle. I have too much time on my hands to think and it sucks. Cause my mind wanders and I cry. I think of people and stuff that we did and stuff that was said and I wonder if everything they said was it true or am I really that easy to get tossed aside... I'd like to think I'm a pretty good person. I'm honest with everyone. And when I do pray with the exception of when I was in hospital, when I do pray I asked for everyone elses prayers to be answered. Yes I want my vision back but I'm surviving. I'd rather see Charlie get cured, my uncle's brain tumors go away and my other uncle's foot not possibly get amputated. Or a former co-worker who is going blind, I'd eather him be able to see. I'd rather everyone's prayers and problems get answered before mine. I've always been like that. I'm not a selfish person. If that side comes out it's very rare. I'd rather have people dump their problems on me than me dump my problems on them.
Which I do talk to people about things it maybe weeks after the fact. It's very rare for me to trust people. When I do trust people it seems to backfire on me. I have a lot of best friends, people I can talk to, but you know how it is. It always not the person you want. It's like that saying something like why is it that the person making you cry is the one who can make you stop or something like. The people I want to be there isn't. And they people who are there I love and cherish and thank God everyday for. I don't know. +
You know I titled this blog learning to relive your life.... I guess it should have been learning to rebuild your life or something. I've kind of strayed away from the way it started. Just so much is happening so fast in my life that it changes constantly. My vision hasn't gotten any different. Maybe a little worse. But thats due to stress, whichI put on myself. I did however trip and fall a month ago. This past month has been hell for lack of better word. I was getting headaches again. Good news is I can take lortabs now. And not get sick. Well not really good news but maybe if I ever go back into the hospital again I won't have to go without food for 2 weeks.
My uncle with the brain cancer he isn't getting any better. It scares me. I hate death. And I never handle it well. I always shut down. I may not seem like I do but I do. I think he has one more thing of chemo left and he says if there is no difference he's done. He tire4 of feeling bad. Which I don't blame him. I've watch 2 grandpa's and watched Charlie. My other uncle, his bother, stepped on a rusty nail and his foot got infected. And now the infection has gotten to the bone. The doctors are talking about doing a 6 weeks of antibiotic regiment before anything is done but his big toe or whole foot might be amputated. He has 6 kids. And this is another problem where my faith somes in. How is he and my aunt going to manage? It just awful. Their oldest Kiley is my angel. I love them all the same but that girl I just love her. This past sunday all she did was hugged me and I almost cried. She's like me, she wears her heart on her sleeve.
After this past year and a lot of thinking, which last year before this happened I was in school and had finally decided on what I wanted to do. I've always wanted to work with kids. Then only day I ment this special little boy named Avery who was diagnosed with high condistioning autism. I fell in love with him. And according to his mom and dad he fell in love with me too. They said he never takes up with people the way he did with me. I had so much fun with him that day. Playing with these glue/paint pens. Which he got everywhere and on us. He loved that movie “Cars” and he had this sticker book and he put this stickers everywhere. My favorite was to watch him “dance” to whatever was coming on the tv. He made up my mind on what I wanted to de. I wanted to work with kids with special needs. Then bam this happens. I still kind of want to do, Everyone I talk to thinks I still could possibly do it. Now I think it's also blind kids maybe teenagers also. Not completely blind though. I want to make a difference in peoples lives. Let people know they aren't alone. Or that no matter what the struggle is it can get better. Even though yes I know I can eat my own words. But I know it can always be worse I've seen it and I've been there. I know I'm lucky to have what I have cause for 3 weeks I was completely blind. And for those 3 weeks I had so many people tell me why aren't you freaking out, you are handling this so well. It's who I am. I freaked out later on down the road, alone.... its how I do things. And I know I don't have to but I tend to struggle with the stuff by myself then let people in, when I know I'm going to be okay. Cause once again I don't like to have people worry about me. Ok I think this might be the longest I've typed and my eyes are starting to get tired so i'm going to go. <3
