First Thanksgiving without my uncle among other things.

I hate death.
And I’m not the type of person to hate anything. But in this case I think it’s safe to say it’s okay to hate that. I know we are suppose to rejoice in it. Cause the ones who have passed on are in Heaven and are better and no longer in pain. This might sound selfish and in some cases I’ve been called a selfish person… but what about our pain here, the ones left behind? It just sucks. I guess I’m just in a mood since it’s the holidays.
Yesterday was Thanksgiving. The first one without my uncle. It was different. My uncle Patrick, Aunt Sandra and the kids are in Alabama so we had them missing.. so it just didn’t feel like Thanksgiving. I was laying in bed this morning remembering last years and it was when my vision started messing up again. When we had no clue what was going on and the topic of surgery came up with me. One of my best friends was in the hospitals about to give birth to her first son. Things were so different.
I remember sitting on my aunt’s couch and my uncle getting on his knees to talk to me about everything. Cause he couldn’t walk to me. And if I remember correctly we had just not long found out his tumor and the cancer was gone. They did all kind of scans and test and it was gone. It was a miracle to us. So he was trying to give me the courage to believe everything was going to be okay. Little did we koow it was going to be our last Thanksgiving with him. There is definitely a hole in our family now.
But this Thanksgiving of course just didn’t feel right. We did have Dana there and Kim who lived next door to him and helped them so much. As we sat there and watched the Miami and Dallas game. We laughed and joked about the game at how Robbie hated the cowboys. And he would make fun of Tony Romo. Of course the Carolina/Clemson game came up. He loved his Gamecocks. And Dana is all about Clemson. So I can’t say it was a bad day. We had some laughs. I did sit there with my little cousin Elizabeth and ask her about school, what she was learning. She’s in 5^th grade and she is learning, about people who invented things and the oceans lines stuff like that. So I questioned her. We talked about Benjamin Franklin and Mount Everest. Haha.
On a better note, I am doing a lot better I think. Mentally that is. Dealing with everything. The holidays are going to be hard. But I’m getting there. I have been seeing Rosemary and Holly at least once a week, which I love doing. I have so much fun with them. I got to see Caitlyn the other week. She is a babydoll. We took her to the park. She just had a ball playing up and down the slides and screaming. I did get to her talk to me once. I asked her what she was watching and she said Bob bob (Spongebob). she can brighten anybodies day. But I am doing good. I’ve been working on a project of mine that’s been helping and about to start another one that’s going to help me in other ways.
I know as it gets closer to my birthday and Christmas, it’s going to get harder. For the obvious reasons for Christmas. But when it was Charlie’s birthday we would argue (not really argue) over money limits for birthdays and the fact my birthday is so close to Christmas that I didn’t need two things and he would say I did. We were both stubborn and never let up on that. Maybe its silly to think about it. But it was a fun time for us. And it’s a memory, a fun one. I cherish it. His mom and I feel the same way about our birthdays and Christmas. Our birthdays are only 6 days apart. I’m not sure if I’m doing anything for my birthday this year. I haven’t really put much thought into it and really am not to excited to celebrate. Plus every year my birthday puts people in bind with other obligations. I’d rather not go through the hassle. Last year was a big deal to me. This year not so much. But anywys. I wanted to update since I haven’t in a while. I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving. Much love to everyone!

Getting things off my mind....

I know it’s been since I wrote about the beach since I’ve updated the blog. I’m going to be honest. I’ve been cheating on the blog with two other writing things. None which no one will get read by anyone (sorry guys). It’s my way of dealing with stuff. I’m also not going to lie, things have been hard lately. It’s not getting easier. Time suppose to heal right? I know it has worked before but this time I think its going to take a lot longer. For one it was just one person it was two within a month and it was Charlie. I’m not saying he was more special than my uncle. I think I had more time to prepare for him. I knew a year and half ago that with good treatment he had 3 years. Charlie’s we had hope. I think of him often and when I say often I mean everyday. a lot of things that go on in my life remind me of him. His bear sits beside my bed. I listen to his playlist we both kind of made a lot. I often wonder where we would be today. I’ve fallen in love with his family. They are great. On Oct 13^th we got together and did a Light the Night Walk. The Leukemia and Lymphoma Society put it on at Furman University. Our team’s name was Charlie’s Angels. Our team came in 2^nd with raising over 2,000 dollars. I think, if I remember correctly, over the span of all the walks that were put on over U.S. over 100,000 dollars raised or something like that. Which is awesome. Leukemia doesn’t get recognized as much as it should. I’ve learned a few things. Like every 4 mins someone gets diagnosed and every 10 mins someone dies. or is it vice versa? I get those numbers switched. I know they are right just not sure which spot they go in. Don’t get my wrong. I have a best friend whose mom is a breast cancer survivor, my grandmother is a ovarian cancer survivor and another friend;s mom just got done with treatments for ovarian cancer. But it’s sad that there are a lot of cancers that don’t get recognized as much as others. They are all bad.
But anyways. Yes I’ve been down. I believe I go to his facebook everyday. I still have his last set of text him my phone. I won’t read those because they were when things got bad between us and his was so mean to me. But every now and then I will charge my other phone and look at those. The ones I will probably never get rid of. The Charlie I fell for. The Charlie I got to know. Sometimes I’ll sit there and I’ll think of the days I would visit him and remember the movies we watched and the conversations we had. I think I’m scared it I don’t remember those I’ll forget them. I remember my first visit with him ever. First time I had seem him in 8 years, I had an appt at the cancer with my blood doctor after our visit. and it was his first time ever making usre I didn’t trip or fall.I think we were both nervous. He said he would make sure he fell before I did. Of course I didn’t want that. He didn’t need to fall and I didn’t need to. So I think right there started our protectiveness over each other. All we did was talk about the hospitals and all that jazz. We just had that instant connection. By our next visit oh something had started between us. We both had admitted to each other about knowing something was there but wasn’t sure about going for it. Anyways, On our next visit, we watched Walk the Line, in which he held my hand. My inner teenage girl was so freakin excited! I hadn’t been like that over anyone is suck a long time. I remember my stomach having the funny feeling in. And I believe that day he also made me a cd. That I will cherish forever. We both had that love for music. That’s another thing that connected us together. We talked a lot about movies and music. So go figure our first movie was Walk the Line. Johnny and June will never be the same. I even got him to listen to that country song Johnny and June and he said he loved that song.
He gave me the courage to do things. I never had fear when I was with him. He got me to go see my first movie in the theaters with my vision the way it is. That was Rio. Cute movie. I bought it. It came out not long after he passed away. Its still in the plastic. I can’t bring myself to open and watch it. I’m afraid I’ll cry. I’ve been talking to his sister Holly a lot lately. It helps. We are actually talking about going to the movies soon. So it will be good for my next adventure to the movies to be with her. Everyone is having it rough. I think we all are dealing with it the best we can. His mom and I talked about how its getting harder than easier. I know it takes more than a day, a week, a month, and in her case it could take years. But I just wish it didn’t have to at all. I said this to someone one day. I’d rather deal with the heartache of losing him, as a boyfriend and friend, than losing him forever.
The more I think about him the more I do wonder if I will be okay. I tell people I will be. But I’m not so sure. I know one day, maybe, I need to move on. Cause I know he wouldn’t want me to be alone. I mean two days before he passed he told me himself I will make someone very happy one day. I know some people are thinking you didn’t date very long or whatever.. But you didn’t see or know the connection we had. It was strong and it was fast. Nothing like anything I’ve dealt with in the past. I just hope he’s okay. I believe he is. I believe he is watching over me, his mom, dad, Holly, Jane, Billy, Jennifer, Riley, Chris, Brian, anyone else he was close to and especially his beautiful little Blue Bear, Caitlyn. Who just turned 2. It breaks my heart he won’t be here physcially to see her grow up.. But she will know who her faither is, and how great of a man he was.
Writing helps get it out. Today was one of those days I had to get it out. Thanks for listening!

My 12 day get- away!

Sorry I haven't really been writing much lately.. Some things have been going on..... With me personally... but anyways. I had said I would write about my beach trip and that is what I amm doing.

On September 1, I had a check up in Charleston (which I got good news!) The news was that I could see a little bit better out of my right eye, which is my most damaged eye. I thought after all the stress I had been under and the crying it had gotten worse. I still don't see a difference. But according the charts and what I could read it's gotten a little better.

Anyways, also that day I went an hour and half away from there to Myrtle Beach. To my friend Jenifer's house, where I use to live to visit for 12 days. When I got back and hack and had to get my inr checked, the lady, who I adore, was talking to me about it she said I didn't go on vacation it was a getaway. I instantly felt better. I was 4 hours away from all the sadness and stress of everything. Though the trip did bring some sadness with it. I had been putting off my beach trip since April or May for Charlie. Because when I was at the beach, he was suppose to be in Charleston getting the tramsplant. So of course I thought of him a lot. But he is always on my mind. That's aaother update to come.

The first thing I did when I arrived there was go to the beach. My dad took Jessica and I(Jessica is one of my awesome friends who takes time out of her schedule and goes to Charleston which us in case I got to go to the restroom, in case you don't know her) to the beach. I started feeling nostalgic for when I use to live there. And this time seeing the ocean my vision didn't act funny which was awesome. After that he took me to where I was staying. Now the people I was staying are really great people. Like a another family to me. I seem to have a lot of those.

My full day there, I got a tattoo. My first one ever. I had this plan for a while just didn't know for sure if I was going to get it then or not. I have nothing against tattoos obviously but I don't believe in just getting them just because eveyone else is getting them. I've always said if I got one I wanted it to mean something to me. Well a month or so before I went I came up with something I wanted. A cross with angel wings. I wanted the eyes in the wings but the eyes are too big so it would have been huge if I had done that. And all the colors been something. Besides the color or the cross. The artist picked that out. The eyes are green... And the reason for that is 1. my eyes are green 2. When looking up color awareness for cancers I came across eye injuries color was green. 3. lymphoma cancer which one of my grandpa's passed away from. It's actually lime green but they told me green would work. Orange is for Charlie (leukemia) Grey is for my uncle (brain cancer) and white is suppose to be an off white color for lung cancer but I guess I can its for bone caner which my other grandpa had both. Also white can stand blindness. It was an expericnce. Wasn't bad as people make it out to be. I'd do it again. The next day we went to broadway at the beach. Where I went to build a bear for the first time ever. And they now have this place called Wonderworks... It looks like an upside down house. And everything looks upside down. I don't know what's on the inside but outside is pretty cool.

I spent most of the week at the house. Jenifer had school. But I had fun. I got to spend time with Mary, Melissa and little miss Caydence. One of those nights we went to the boardwalk, and got ice cream and to see the sky wheel. Which a few nights later went back to so I could get pictures of it with the lights on. That thing is huge. After the week passed that weekend we had it all planned. On that friday Jenifer and I went to Brookgreen Gardens. That place is gorgeous. If you have never been there I highly recommend it. It cost $12 to get in but the tickets are good for 6 days from purchase. Because the place is so huge and you have so much to do. It's actually part of the history of Hungtington Beach. The pagasus is my favorite spot and if I ever get married and have the money to get married there. That spot right there is where I want to get married. They have a zoo, swaps you take a boat through, Jenifer and I had fun cause we kept our eyes out for alligators. They have signs up do not feed or touch alligators... keeps look our for poisonous snakes, alligators, and stinging insects. But that was only near the marsh area. In the gardens they also had a labyrinth. We walked the whole thing. And it some says it symbolizes a new beginning. And what you're suppose to do is as you are walking it think of all the stuff you are thinking been through in the last year and when you get in the middle you take a deep breath and let it all go. It's like a new beginning.

On Saturday we went to Waccatee Zoo. It was Jenifer, Mary, Caydence and I. Caydence was cute trying to feed the animals. She just want to throw it at them. This zoo isn't like any other zoo I've ever been to. All these animals have been donated to them. I don't know which animal I liked more. The one felt more bad for the most was the gorilla. He was in his own little pen alone, far back. We had to stand there for about 10 minutes before I could actually see him. The cute thing about him is he has a dog a pet. The dog you can pet. The dog has one blue eye and one brown eye I believe. But this zoo is like out in the woods. Like way out in the woods. It was neat.

On Sunday, us for we to Hungtington State Park to go to Atalaya's Castle. This is really neat. Who knew South Carolina had a castle here. I sure didn't. Well it's ruins of a castle. This is what I understand and Brookgreen Gardens is part of this story also, Arthur Huntington had it built for his wife because she got sick, I think and the reason why he had it built on the coast is because he believed the salt water had healing powers. This place is so neat. They have some places blocked off like downstairs which it being a castle you can only assume its a dungeon. You can see the servants rooms, their master bedroom, bathroom, kitchen, the icebox, the studio(inside and out) They even have a bathroom with all the original stuff in it.. you just can't go in it. They have it blocked off with like plexi-glass or something like that. But how Brookgreen Gardens comes into it, the wife was a sculptor. Hence the sculptor garden. Another highly recommended place to go.

I came home on the 13^th. I hated leaving. My last night there Jenifer and I went to the beach and walked. I got an awesome picture of the ocean with the full moon light on it. But we just walked and talked. Overall I think the trip did me some good. I know I have been through a lot. And needed time away. Now I think I can deal with what I need to. While I was gone I got some thinking done and have some major changes ahead of me. But changes for the good. I can thank Jenifer and her family for having me and letting come down there. And helping me. Cause they really did.

My family's week of faith and test.

On the day of Robbie's passing, we had an earthquake. Scientist and the news can call it and say it was a natural disaster all they want but all of us know it was Robbie making his own entrance into heaven. I asked for a simple rain storm, but you know Robbie, he had to do things his way. If you knew Robbie really well then you knew he had a big amazing heart. He cared a lot for his friends and family. No matter what. He stuck by them. He was the type of person to give you the shirt off his back. He always knew how to make people laugh at their time of need. Robbie was Benny's pride and joy, Carol's first baby boy, Lee's protector, Kelly's best friend and Patrick's keeper. Most of all he was Dana's world and Ashley's hero. All of his nieces, nephews, stepkids and grand babies thought the world of him and couldn't get enough of him. He had a lot of friends who thought the same too. I wish I could name them all standing here but then we would be here all day. There is one thing we all know is no matter what we are one extended family. Throughout this Robbie found his faith in God and it never faltered. Robbie was and will always be an inspiration to me and to many for the many battles he has had to face. And that this isn't goodbye cause we will see him again one day, His nieces and nephews want him to know that they love him and will miss him. But they know he is no longer in any pain and whenever they go outside look up to the sky they will smile cause they know he is looking down on them smiling. As I close I have a poem his daughter, Ashley wanted to be read

God saw you getting tired
and a cure was not to be
so he put his arms around you
and whispered,
"Come to Me"
With tearful eyes we watched you
and saw you pass away
and although we love you dearly
we could not make you stay.
A Golden heart stopped beating
hard working hands at rest.
God broke our hearts to prove to us
He only takes the best
I love you Daddy
I'm going to miss you, Ashley


I know this should have been put up like 3 weeks ago. But I went on vacation and I really didn't want to write on vacation. I already had to work on the dvd... and after today I will try to put that up on facebook if I can.


My uncle was a great man. I loved him so. And if you could of seen the receiving friends you wold of seen all the types of people who were there. I mean he had people from the Hell's Angels, the Spartans and the Warlocks.. the people he rented from... friends from everywhere. People he worked... people he grew up with and hadn't seen in years. My grandma even got a letter from someone that grew up with Robbie in Saxon telling her of a story.. This is the type of guy he was... Here is that story... This guy was name Todd. And he said he was about to start high school so he had to be about 15 or so... and he was sitting out of his front porch thinking of how other people were buying new clothes and shoes for the school year and his family was barely getting by with food on the table... He kept looking down at the his old raggedy shoes. Robbie come up and sat down to talk to him.. and asked him how he was doing and just started talking to him. Well Robbie noticed Todd looking down at his shoes so Robbie asked to switch shoes to see if they wore the same size... so they did...After sitting there talking a little while longer, Robbie got up and said “well I better get going before it gets too dark” Todd went to go take off the shoes and Robbie told him to keep them... The shoes were fairly new..... My grandma never knew that until after my uncle had passed. He was an amazing man..


Now for the events that unfolded at the week before he passed if you didn't see my status updates... That week was so crazy and emotional. And had so many ironic things. If I wasn't a believer in irony/miracles or things like that before than I am now.


Not long after getting there he went into a coma like state. He really didn't respond. That room was packed. I know when the doctor came into checked and looked around he said you have a very extendly large family. Now these events might not go in order... he went in on a thursday night... so that friday we noticed two red cardinals hanging out by the patio there. If you have never been to the hospice house they have a little patios outside the rooms which can be quite peaceful on a good day. My great great grandmother loved birds and my grandma loves cardinals so she say when she sees them she says its her grandmother looking out for her and my aunt says its my grandpa(her daddy) looking out for her.. Those birds hung around till Monday. And on Monday there were 3. Tuesday they day of his passing they never came back. They say birds carry your souls. It's one of the ironic things. Gives me chills bumps... all of this does. On saturday I believe maybe it was still friday his hands were starting to feel cold.. reminded me of Charlie's. That's what I told them too. So we were thinking it wasn't going to be long. Then the next day. Which I do believe it was sunday he breathing had stabilized and color returned to him...


I was thinking what is Robbie doing? Anyways that same day... we lost him for 59 seconds... I'll never forget that day. I was sitting on the couch with his daughter Ashley and we were both distracted by the laptops... two of his childhood friends were there... Dana his wife and someone else was in there. Everyone else was across the hall in the canteen. He took this funny breathe...So we all kind of just stopped for a minute till the nurse came in and we told what happened and all she said was I believe that was it... so she started checking... She was about to call time of death..by that time everyone had already crowded the room crying... and he started breathing again . But at first they were saying it was reflex breathing that he was really gone...then a nurse asked if he was a jokester and we said yes.. she said he was playing one on us. We believe he heard everyone crying and it scared him and he didn't want to leave. Another nurse said she has worked there for over 20 years and has never seen anything like that ever.


That monday when we got up there he was being responsive. He was grunting and moving his left arm around. That day I told my mom he is waitng to be alone I can almost guarantee it.. he doesn't want anyone to see him go. That night I talked to him.... it was just he and I in the room, I told him about Charlie and told him it was okay and we were alone... and he kept grunting... makes me wonder if I had left him alone for a few minutes if he would of went.. The next morning, which is tuesday, That morning he was panting... and the nurse said it was matter of hours... so we were all rushing to get ready of who all wanted to be there. Dana and my grandma left the room to get coffee and wait on everyone... Well while they were in the canteen this black lady came in... my aunt said she looked like she was a patient there... They hadn't seen her before. She came in humming a song and the only words they could make out was Jesus... she came by patted Dana on the shoulder went to the sink came back by did it all over again to my grandma and Dana. 2 secs later the nurse came in and said he was gone... a few hours later we had a earthquake. Like I said earlier in my speech I asked for a rain storm.


The irony in the black lady is.. I haven't read the book but the sunday school teacher told us... in that book the shack... jesus appears as a black lady and singing songs or something like that. The last ironic thing is we buried him the same day I started fighting for my life a year ago. Anyways this is what my week was like. I know its not much saying about my uncle... but I can't really say much besides he was a great amazing man... always made someone laugh.. would give the shirt off his back to someone. He had such great faith and it never faltered even though he knew he was dying.. Most people when they are in that situation they turn they other way and he didn't. He got baptized. And he would even brag about seeing Jesus before everyone. He would lift you up even when he was down. He was a great man.

My year to remember!

I was going to write this later on in the week but under the circumtances I might not be able to get it all out. Friday will be one year my life changed forever. I've changed so much in the last year. In the last year I've almost died, lost my eye sight, had my first time flying on a helicopter no less, first hospital stay, first surgery, lost my life (metaphorically speaking), feel in love, lost some friends, but gained some of the best I could ever ask for, gained a whole new family( who I adore tremendously), lost 2 of the most important people of my life and I've gotten back in church, found my way. So that's a lot for one person to go through in one year.

I've changed so much in just a year. I've come to find out just how strong I am and how much I can handle. I've come to see who my friends are. My true friends. I've gotten closer to my cousin Tiffany. I've lost plenty of friends and it seems I'm still drifting from some of them. But I know that's part of life. It happens. I've gained some amazing friends too and another family. Who I don't know what I'd do without and I'd do anything for. I'm going to say this has been the hardest year of my life and I hope they don't get any harder. I know life isn't suppose to be easy. I knew that from the very beginning. I'm very thankful for what and who I have in my life. I appreciate people and things more. I cherish those around me and I soak those things up and have learn to make as many memories as possible.

Almost losing your life can scare you. And I know most of you are thinking well duh! But unless you had it happen you don't know what I'm talking about. My friend Aamber told me after what happened to me and then knowing about Charlie before she met him that day, she has come to appreciate things and life more. I hope she isn't the only one. I hope to one maybe touch others with what happened to me. And let them know what I've been through and show them here I am still standing smiling and I'm okay. Sometimes my family my mom in-particular and I know she is going to read this, treats me like I'm a fragile glass doll. I'm not. I'm strong always have been. I have my moments where I am weak and I break down, I know who I can call to pick me up. And I know who I can pray to also pick me up. My faith has never been stronger.

I believe this happened for a reason besides a medical reason. I lost my eye sight for a reason. I believe I'm slowly finding it out. I've been through what I have for a reason. Some things have shown to me and some are still hidden waiting for me to figure out. And maybe I won't ever know them. Maybe it's something my family will have to figure it out. Besides the whole fighting for my life and having to get use to my eye sight, I think losing Charlie and my uncle Robbie has been the hardest things this year. If you've been reading you know about Charlie and if you've been keeping up with my status' on facebook you know about my uncle passing around on the 23 of August. I do have something wrtten out for him but I'm reading it at his service so that will be posted after his service on Friday. I want them to hear it first. But I will tell you something ironic. It gave my aunt Sandra cold chills. The day we lay him to rest will be the day of my one year I had started my fight to live. I say my uncle planned it. I know he didn't. There was a lot of ironic things that I will have to tell you guys about after Friday but that was one I wanted to share.

Things are different now. And things will never be the same. I'm still the same Stephanie. Slightly different. I'm happier. I'm sadder. I'm stronger. And I love a lot more. A lot of people hope to one day change the world, well I'm one of those people. And I hope one day I can get my year out there and change someone's life. It only takes one person. I had one person change mine. Well technically 2 so now maybe I can tell their story since they are no longer with us and mine and that can change someone elses' life. I know I told Charlie at one point everybody has a story to tell and some are worth being written out and told. Anyways this may not be exactly what I wanted to write but my mind is going everywhere this morning. But this is my year to remember in a nut shell. <3

The Who's,what's. when's. where's. how's and why's

There are things in our lives that we will never understand. Things that are beyoud our control. But we always wonder those questions. Why was I given this life? Why did both my grandpas' get cancer? Why is it that Kenny got to do what he did and still gets the good life and I end up blind and alone? Why did Charlie get leukemia and none of the treatments work? Why is my uncle suffering with cancer? Why do kids go without every day? And then there are the how's... How can they be some much money for cancer research but yet no cure? How can we live each day knowing one day the person or even ourselves one day we won't be here? The What's...What will happen after we are gone? What will our future hold(which we have always wondered since we can remember) even what's going through that person's head as they do something? ...Who's.. Who will take care of things? Who is responsible for things? Who will step up and take the responsibility? Who gets to say this is what's going to happen in my life, I get to decide that, Who is the right person for us? Where's... Where is this life going? Where do I want to go? Where is everything I dreamed of? And finally When.... When will it be my turn? When will things start to look up? When does things start to make sense?

We've all asked those questions at one point in time. If not all. Maybe not the exact ones but they might be worded different. I know I have. Especially in the last year. I've written about Charlie before and I'm not going through that story again. But meeting up with him again and getting back in church(which I'm not going to get all preachy) and I'm currently reading a book the preacher gave me to read and to me I know the answer to all these questions.

Faith. I've always had a big thing about faith. All my life I have. I've lost my faith or well it has faltered a time or two. But you gotta have faith that things will work out. That things happen for a reason. Either it may be good or bad but in the end it happened for a reason. Now I'm not saying faith is why Charlie passed away. But we gotta have faith to know that there is a reason why is he is no longer here. And faith isn't why my uncle is suffering from cancer but we gotta have faith that maybe just maybe he can magically be healed or that he won't suffered for long. I've learned faith is believing even when nothing seems fair... and Trust me I know a lot about things not being fair.

I am going to talk about church for a little bit here. I'm not the type of person to push my beliefs onto someone. Everyone has their own beliefs and the way I look at it is everyone is right but everyone isn't. We can't prove no one wrong in their beliefs. As long as you know what you believe and stick to it why argue over or judge someone? I have plenty of friend of different religions. Or that don't believe. That doesn't change mine. On July 31^st and yes it happens to be the very same day Charlie passed away, I made the decision to join Anderson Mill Road Baptist Church. Not even 3-31/2 hours he passed away. And I said I was going to take it as a sign I was right where I needed to be. The wednesday before I had sat down with the preacher and had an hour long talk with him about everything in my life. My health, my uncle and Charlie. I started off telling him I'm not the person to talk to someone about my problems and i'm not.. I deal with them on my own. And I hate crying in front or to someone. So he knew it was a big deal for me to have never met him that I was sitting beside him. I've never been so honest with someone about everything in my life. I went in there feeling I had all the troubles and worries of the whole world on my shoulders and left feeling like it was all gone. He told me that he believed I was brought to that church for a reason. I had been a member and felt comfortable in a church since my days at Saxon and that has been well over 10 years ago. So i'm excited ahout this new journey I have going. I'm not going to change. I'm still ol' Stephanie. Just happy. I'm going to have my moments of depression cause lets face it... go through what I have in the last year and lets see who doesn't get depressed. <3

Rest in peace, Charlie. Heaven got a little bit brighter

Yesterday, this world lost a great person. And everyone he knew gained a guardian angel. I'm human so naturally I want to be selfish and want him back on this earth, but I'm glad he isn't suffering anymore and is in a better place. And I know that. Charlie wasn't just my best friend, he became my angel from the start. I can tell this story over and over. So I will. Back in March, I was giving up. Who wouldn't. I'm blind, at the time it seemed I was losing everything. All I did was lay in my bed and do nothing. I cried all the time. And on this specific day, March 30th, I decided that was it, I was giving up. Just so happens, God had others plans. That same day I got this email from a certain guy that told me not to give up, that I need to have faith and that he knew life was hard but it will get better. He gave me his number and told me if i needed to talk I could call or text him anytime. Of course it was Charlie. At this point I had so many people send me stuff telling me how much they admire me and I didn't need to give up and if i ever needed to talk I could call them, people I haven't seen or talked to since high school. Which I appreciated but I brushed off because I was thinking far as I know you haven't had something happen like me that so life changing that turns your world upside, how could you possibly understand. But Charlie did. He had leukemia. Two days later I texted him. Something was telling me too, so I did. And it was one of the best decisions I've ever made. From that day forward my phone never left my hand till this started to go bad and he went kind of distant with me.
I was in this darkness I wouldn't admit back then and he pulled me from it. He gave me back my life. He showed me what it was like to laugh, love and to take risk again. MUSC may have saved my life but he saved me.. He really was an amazing person. Even if he didn't so. I would tell him so many times he amazed me. He had the most beautiful little girl. She was our first conversation. He loved her so so very much. Over the next few months, he gave me a lifetime of memories. Stuff I will never forget. We did have a brief relationship and in the end he was back where he wanted to be, with his wife and his little girl. And I'm glad he got that. But to be honest he helpe me move on completely from awful 7 year thing with an ex. I'll never look at Johnny Cash, Gary Allan or Jamey Johnson the same. He got me to get over my fear of going into the movies with my vision. He was the first person who got me to watch a movie in a theatre. Lake Bowen will never be the same. We both grew in our faith in God together. Even when the odds were against us. I took a chance on getting close to him knowing this day could come. I hate that it did. I wish I could have saved him. But I know he was tired of fighting. And I'm glad he isn't suffering anymore. Anyone who knew him is lucky to know him. I'm glad I got the chance to reknow him. I told him from the beginning he had a friend till the end and I stuck to my word. I was there till the very end. I don't think Jennifer and I had left his side no more than 10 mins for his dad to spend time with him when he passed. I got to say my goodbyes to him in my own way. He knows I love him. And Just like Jennifer anytime it rains I know he will be with me. And I will see him again. I know he's watching over me. He was a great man. We both believed there was a reason why we came back into each other lives. Well I think it was so he could do for me what he did. There's no question about that.
"When I come to the end of my journey
and I travel my last weary mile
Just forget if you can, that I have frowned
And remember only the smile.
Forget unkind words I have spoken;
Remember some good I have done.
Forget I ever had heartache
And remember I have had loads of fun.
Forget that I have stumbled and blundered
And sometimes fell by the way.
Remember I have found some hard battles
And won, ere close of the day.
Then forget to grieve for my going,
I would not have you sad for a day,
But in summer just gather some flowers
And remember where I lay,
And come in the shade of the evening
When the sun paints the sky in the west.
Stand for a few moments beside me
And remember only my best."