My year to remember!

I was going to write this later on in the week but under the circumtances I might not be able to get it all out. Friday will be one year my life changed forever. I've changed so much in the last year. In the last year I've almost died, lost my eye sight, had my first time flying on a helicopter no less, first hospital stay, first surgery, lost my life (metaphorically speaking), feel in love, lost some friends, but gained some of the best I could ever ask for, gained a whole new family( who I adore tremendously), lost 2 of the most important people of my life and I've gotten back in church, found my way. So that's a lot for one person to go through in one year.

I've changed so much in just a year. I've come to find out just how strong I am and how much I can handle. I've come to see who my friends are. My true friends. I've gotten closer to my cousin Tiffany. I've lost plenty of friends and it seems I'm still drifting from some of them. But I know that's part of life. It happens. I've gained some amazing friends too and another family. Who I don't know what I'd do without and I'd do anything for. I'm going to say this has been the hardest year of my life and I hope they don't get any harder. I know life isn't suppose to be easy. I knew that from the very beginning. I'm very thankful for what and who I have in my life. I appreciate people and things more. I cherish those around me and I soak those things up and have learn to make as many memories as possible.

Almost losing your life can scare you. And I know most of you are thinking well duh! But unless you had it happen you don't know what I'm talking about. My friend Aamber told me after what happened to me and then knowing about Charlie before she met him that day, she has come to appreciate things and life more. I hope she isn't the only one. I hope to one maybe touch others with what happened to me. And let them know what I've been through and show them here I am still standing smiling and I'm okay. Sometimes my family my mom in-particular and I know she is going to read this, treats me like I'm a fragile glass doll. I'm not. I'm strong always have been. I have my moments where I am weak and I break down, I know who I can call to pick me up. And I know who I can pray to also pick me up. My faith has never been stronger.

I believe this happened for a reason besides a medical reason. I lost my eye sight for a reason. I believe I'm slowly finding it out. I've been through what I have for a reason. Some things have shown to me and some are still hidden waiting for me to figure out. And maybe I won't ever know them. Maybe it's something my family will have to figure it out. Besides the whole fighting for my life and having to get use to my eye sight, I think losing Charlie and my uncle Robbie has been the hardest things this year. If you've been reading you know about Charlie and if you've been keeping up with my status' on facebook you know about my uncle passing around on the 23 of August. I do have something wrtten out for him but I'm reading it at his service so that will be posted after his service on Friday. I want them to hear it first. But I will tell you something ironic. It gave my aunt Sandra cold chills. The day we lay him to rest will be the day of my one year I had started my fight to live. I say my uncle planned it. I know he didn't. There was a lot of ironic things that I will have to tell you guys about after Friday but that was one I wanted to share.

Things are different now. And things will never be the same. I'm still the same Stephanie. Slightly different. I'm happier. I'm sadder. I'm stronger. And I love a lot more. A lot of people hope to one day change the world, well I'm one of those people. And I hope one day I can get my year out there and change someone's life. It only takes one person. I had one person change mine. Well technically 2 so now maybe I can tell their story since they are no longer with us and mine and that can change someone elses' life. I know I told Charlie at one point everybody has a story to tell and some are worth being written out and told. Anyways this may not be exactly what I wanted to write but my mind is going everywhere this morning. But this is my year to remember in a nut shell. <3

The Who's,what's. when's. where's. how's and why's

There are things in our lives that we will never understand. Things that are beyoud our control. But we always wonder those questions. Why was I given this life? Why did both my grandpas' get cancer? Why is it that Kenny got to do what he did and still gets the good life and I end up blind and alone? Why did Charlie get leukemia and none of the treatments work? Why is my uncle suffering with cancer? Why do kids go without every day? And then there are the how's... How can they be some much money for cancer research but yet no cure? How can we live each day knowing one day the person or even ourselves one day we won't be here? The What's...What will happen after we are gone? What will our future hold(which we have always wondered since we can remember) even what's going through that person's head as they do something? ...Who's.. Who will take care of things? Who is responsible for things? Who will step up and take the responsibility? Who gets to say this is what's going to happen in my life, I get to decide that, Who is the right person for us? Where's... Where is this life going? Where do I want to go? Where is everything I dreamed of? And finally When.... When will it be my turn? When will things start to look up? When does things start to make sense?

We've all asked those questions at one point in time. If not all. Maybe not the exact ones but they might be worded different. I know I have. Especially in the last year. I've written about Charlie before and I'm not going through that story again. But meeting up with him again and getting back in church(which I'm not going to get all preachy) and I'm currently reading a book the preacher gave me to read and to me I know the answer to all these questions.

Faith. I've always had a big thing about faith. All my life I have. I've lost my faith or well it has faltered a time or two. But you gotta have faith that things will work out. That things happen for a reason. Either it may be good or bad but in the end it happened for a reason. Now I'm not saying faith is why Charlie passed away. But we gotta have faith to know that there is a reason why is he is no longer here. And faith isn't why my uncle is suffering from cancer but we gotta have faith that maybe just maybe he can magically be healed or that he won't suffered for long. I've learned faith is believing even when nothing seems fair... and Trust me I know a lot about things not being fair.

I am going to talk about church for a little bit here. I'm not the type of person to push my beliefs onto someone. Everyone has their own beliefs and the way I look at it is everyone is right but everyone isn't. We can't prove no one wrong in their beliefs. As long as you know what you believe and stick to it why argue over or judge someone? I have plenty of friend of different religions. Or that don't believe. That doesn't change mine. On July 31^st and yes it happens to be the very same day Charlie passed away, I made the decision to join Anderson Mill Road Baptist Church. Not even 3-31/2 hours he passed away. And I said I was going to take it as a sign I was right where I needed to be. The wednesday before I had sat down with the preacher and had an hour long talk with him about everything in my life. My health, my uncle and Charlie. I started off telling him I'm not the person to talk to someone about my problems and i'm not.. I deal with them on my own. And I hate crying in front or to someone. So he knew it was a big deal for me to have never met him that I was sitting beside him. I've never been so honest with someone about everything in my life. I went in there feeling I had all the troubles and worries of the whole world on my shoulders and left feeling like it was all gone. He told me that he believed I was brought to that church for a reason. I had been a member and felt comfortable in a church since my days at Saxon and that has been well over 10 years ago. So i'm excited ahout this new journey I have going. I'm not going to change. I'm still ol' Stephanie. Just happy. I'm going to have my moments of depression cause lets face it... go through what I have in the last year and lets see who doesn't get depressed. <3

Rest in peace, Charlie. Heaven got a little bit brighter

Yesterday, this world lost a great person. And everyone he knew gained a guardian angel. I'm human so naturally I want to be selfish and want him back on this earth, but I'm glad he isn't suffering anymore and is in a better place. And I know that. Charlie wasn't just my best friend, he became my angel from the start. I can tell this story over and over. So I will. Back in March, I was giving up. Who wouldn't. I'm blind, at the time it seemed I was losing everything. All I did was lay in my bed and do nothing. I cried all the time. And on this specific day, March 30th, I decided that was it, I was giving up. Just so happens, God had others plans. That same day I got this email from a certain guy that told me not to give up, that I need to have faith and that he knew life was hard but it will get better. He gave me his number and told me if i needed to talk I could call or text him anytime. Of course it was Charlie. At this point I had so many people send me stuff telling me how much they admire me and I didn't need to give up and if i ever needed to talk I could call them, people I haven't seen or talked to since high school. Which I appreciated but I brushed off because I was thinking far as I know you haven't had something happen like me that so life changing that turns your world upside, how could you possibly understand. But Charlie did. He had leukemia. Two days later I texted him. Something was telling me too, so I did. And it was one of the best decisions I've ever made. From that day forward my phone never left my hand till this started to go bad and he went kind of distant with me.
I was in this darkness I wouldn't admit back then and he pulled me from it. He gave me back my life. He showed me what it was like to laugh, love and to take risk again. MUSC may have saved my life but he saved me.. He really was an amazing person. Even if he didn't so. I would tell him so many times he amazed me. He had the most beautiful little girl. She was our first conversation. He loved her so so very much. Over the next few months, he gave me a lifetime of memories. Stuff I will never forget. We did have a brief relationship and in the end he was back where he wanted to be, with his wife and his little girl. And I'm glad he got that. But to be honest he helpe me move on completely from awful 7 year thing with an ex. I'll never look at Johnny Cash, Gary Allan or Jamey Johnson the same. He got me to get over my fear of going into the movies with my vision. He was the first person who got me to watch a movie in a theatre. Lake Bowen will never be the same. We both grew in our faith in God together. Even when the odds were against us. I took a chance on getting close to him knowing this day could come. I hate that it did. I wish I could have saved him. But I know he was tired of fighting. And I'm glad he isn't suffering anymore. Anyone who knew him is lucky to know him. I'm glad I got the chance to reknow him. I told him from the beginning he had a friend till the end and I stuck to my word. I was there till the very end. I don't think Jennifer and I had left his side no more than 10 mins for his dad to spend time with him when he passed. I got to say my goodbyes to him in my own way. He knows I love him. And Just like Jennifer anytime it rains I know he will be with me. And I will see him again. I know he's watching over me. He was a great man. We both believed there was a reason why we came back into each other lives. Well I think it was so he could do for me what he did. There's no question about that.
"When I come to the end of my journey
and I travel my last weary mile
Just forget if you can, that I have frowned
And remember only the smile.
Forget unkind words I have spoken;
Remember some good I have done.
Forget I ever had heartache
And remember I have had loads of fun.
Forget that I have stumbled and blundered
And sometimes fell by the way.
Remember I have found some hard battles
And won, ere close of the day.
Then forget to grieve for my going,
I would not have you sad for a day,
But in summer just gather some flowers
And remember where I lay,
And come in the shade of the evening
When the sun paints the sky in the west.
Stand for a few moments beside me
And remember only my best."

Life ain't always beautiful

It's funny how one line in a movie can relate to you. It's like certain songs you listen to. I know I have tons of songs that I can listen to and a certain person or a certain time pops into my head. Today, while making me lunch, my dad was watching Independence Day of all movies and just so happens I was in there when this one line was said “Everybody loses faith at some point in their life.” Which is true. And if you haven't then I admire you.

I know I've lost faith quite a few times and battling with it now. There are things happening that I don't understand and that I will never understand. I'm handling everything the best I can. I refuse to be that same person I was back in March. I don't want people to worry about me. I don't think I've prayed like I have in the last year than I have my entire life. Things in my life. Over this past year, I've learned how strong I really am. How much I really can handle. Now I don't think I can handle much more and with everything going on with certain people and my uncles I believe I'm about to see how much more I can handle. I have too much time on my hands to think and it sucks. Cause my mind wanders and I cry. I think of people and stuff that we did and stuff that was said and I wonder if everything they said was it true or am I really that easy to get tossed aside... I'd like to think I'm a pretty good person. I'm honest with everyone. And when I do pray with the exception of when I was in hospital, when I do pray I asked for everyone elses prayers to be answered. Yes I want my vision back but I'm surviving. I'd rather see Charlie get cured, my uncle's brain tumors go away and my other uncle's foot not possibly get amputated. Or a former co-worker who is going blind, I'd eather him be able to see. I'd rather everyone's prayers and problems get answered before mine. I've always been like that. I'm not a selfish person. If that side comes out it's very rare. I'd rather have people dump their problems on me than me dump my problems on them.

Which I do talk to people about things it maybe weeks after the fact. It's very rare for me to trust people. When I do trust people it seems to backfire on me. I have a lot of best friends, people I can talk to, but you know how it is. It always not the person you want. It's like that saying something like why is it that the person making you cry is the one who can make you stop or something like. The people I want to be there isn't. And they people who are there I love and cherish and thank God everyday for. I don't know. +

You know I titled this blog learning to relive your life.... I guess it should have been learning to rebuild your life or something. I've kind of strayed away from the way it started. Just so much is happening so fast in my life that it changes constantly. My vision hasn't gotten any different. Maybe a little worse. But thats due to stress, whichI put on myself. I did however trip and fall a month ago. This past month has been hell for lack of better word. I was getting headaches again. Good news is I can take lortabs now. And not get sick. Well not really good news but maybe if I ever go back into the hospital again I won't have to go without food for 2 weeks.

My uncle with the brain cancer he isn't getting any better. It scares me. I hate death. And I never handle it well. I always shut down. I may not seem like I do but I do. I think he has one more thing of chemo left and he says if there is no difference he's done. He tire4 of feeling bad. Which I don't blame him. I've watch 2 grandpa's and watched Charlie. My other uncle, his bother, stepped on a rusty nail and his foot got infected. And now the infection has gotten to the bone. The doctors are talking about doing a 6 weeks of antibiotic regiment before anything is done but his big toe or whole foot might be amputated. He has 6 kids. And this is another problem where my faith somes in. How is he and my aunt going to manage? It just awful. Their oldest Kiley is my angel. I love them all the same but that girl I just love her. This past sunday all she did was hugged me and I almost cried. She's like me, she wears her heart on her sleeve.

After this past year and a lot of thinking, which last year before this happened I was in school and had finally decided on what I wanted to do. I've always wanted to work with kids. Then only day I ment this special little boy named Avery who was diagnosed with high condistioning autism. I fell in love with him. And according to his mom and dad he fell in love with me too. They said he never takes up with people the way he did with me. I had so much fun with him that day. Playing with these glue/paint pens. Which he got everywhere and on us. He loved that movie “Cars” and he had this sticker book and he put this stickers everywhere. My favorite was to watch him “dance” to whatever was coming on the tv. He made up my mind on what I wanted to de. I wanted to work with kids with special needs. Then bam this happens. I still kind of want to do, Everyone I talk to thinks I still could possibly do it. Now I think it's also blind kids maybe teenagers also. Not completely blind though. I want to make a difference in peoples lives. Let people know they aren't alone. Or that no matter what the struggle is it can get better. Even though yes I know I can eat my own words. But I know it can always be worse I've seen it and I've been there. I know I'm lucky to have what I have cause for 3 weeks I was completely blind. And for those 3 weeks I had so many people tell me why aren't you freaking out, you are handling this so well. It's who I am. I freaked out later on down the road, alone.... its how I do things. And I know I don't have to but I tend to struggle with the stuff by myself then let people in, when I know I'm going to be okay. Cause once again I don't like to have people worry about me. Ok I think this might be the longest I've typed and my eyes are starting to get tired so i'm going to go. <3

Depression isn't fun....

It's been a while since I've written. There's been a lot go on and still out of respect I can't say what it is. But I can say what's been going on with me. Besides to walmart with my dad and to church to watch my uncle get baptized I have not left the house in two weeks. My headaches have teturned. On June 21^st, I being the clumsy person I have also been tripped and hit my head, had to go to the er to make sure there was no internal bleeding... all is well except now I keep getting headaches.The drugs they gave me for nausea though made me have some weird dreams... so that was kind of different.  I have been under extra stress lately. And i'm not going to lie I've been depressed. I've cried more in the last week or so than I have in a long long time. It's just so much going on. I'm not writing this because I want people to pity me or anything. God knows I don't want that. I hate when people do that. If I wanted that I'd be pulling the being blind card all the time... I do it jokingly with my friends but never serious.... I hate the feeling that I have. I've sheltered myself in my room again. The one place I feel safe. I hate feeling this way. I have this since of dread in me.. As I said I have not left the house except to go to walmart or to church. On June 26^th, my uncle and 2 of my little cousin's got baptized. My uncle has cancer. It's in his brain. And sunday I found out which I have not shared with anyone that they give him a year. Now I'm not very religious person... I do pray maybe not everyday but I do. I do believe there is a heaven and God. Sunday with everything that's been going on, I sat there in church and the preacher started off by talking about how God heals diseases and disabilities and all I kept thinking is I don't need to be here right now. This is not the place for me. Cause once again I'm not going to lie, lately I'm being tested in my faith department. Seeing my uncle get baptized, I lost it. Well after I heard my greandma cry, then I did. I was doing good till then. She lost it when the preacher looked at him and said one day you won't need that wheelchair anymore.

I guess I've gotten to where I just don't know anymore. They say everything happens for a reason or that God doesn't put more on you that you can't handle... Well I think I've handle about all I can right about now. And I know its not over just yet. I just want that feeling I had back in April when I felt things where going to be okay. Now I'm not so sure. I'm losing my uncle and I feel like I've already one of my best friends. Sometimes I just need a hug and to be told it's going to be okay, even when its not. I know no one said life's not fair. To be honest, I'd rather I go through all this than for me to see someone else suffer... cause it would kill me to see them suffering even if it was someone I wasn't friends with.

Might be a while

Sorry I haven't posted in a few days. I've been struggling with some stuff lately. And I can't say what. I know the point of me writing is to get it out but don't worry I am still writing or will be writing. It's been saved on my computer. Maybe one day I will be able to share that. It's been really hard these past few days. But I'm trying to keep my head up and keep praying. Once I can find something else to write about other than this one thing I will post again I promise. <3

Realization, overcoming, and being happy

Well I thought I had one more letter I had written but I apparently didn't. I stopped writing. I wanted to keep up with it. But I will admit I got depressed. Pretty bad. Sometime in Feb, the vision started messing up and headaches came back and all I kept thinking not again. Turns out somehow the settings had changed in the shunt. I've learned I don't eeed to freak out when something changes in it... That got fixed and then once again in March it messed up. I didn't know what to do.

I learned and I also realized that really this happening was kind of a blessing. I know know thats weird saying, Yes I'd rather have my eyesight back and have like a broken arm or something, I was a different person before this happened. I wasn't me. I thought I was me but I wasn't, I thought I was happy and I wasn't. I was so unhappy and miserable. I would snap at someone at a moments noticed and everything got to me. And I will be the first to admit that and I will be the first to say I'm sorry to anyone. But I was sick and didn't know it and obvisously was fo a while. Even after we found out what was wrong with me some people wouldn't/couldn't accept that.  We are no longer friends and to be the better person I hope the best for her. Now there are other friends that have drifted. I know it happens. It's part of life and it sucks majorly. These friends know who they are and they know that I love them. I just can't be that friend anymore. I would love to be that friend again.

But as you can imagine I did get bad depressed. And by beginning of March I think I had maybe cried a total 6 times.  For someone who was going through what I was going through to be honest that wasn't enough. I'm going to be honest I felt like if I cried I was letting people down. Everyone was telling me I needed to be strong that I needed to keep my head up, and keep my faith and to not give up. If I cried it was like I was giving up. So maybe that was why I had such a good attitude about everything.  When March hit I was done, I was ready to throw in the towel. Then the one day I put up on my facebook status and yes facebook,  I put something about I was done. I got a message from Charlie. Not to give up and that he knew times were rough but I couldn't give up ane if I ever needed someone to talk to I could call or text him. And lately at that point I had been snapping at people telling me not to give up but I couldn't at him.  Let me give you  small little background on him. Charlie is someone I went to high school with. And year ago his life changed just like mine except a little differently. He got told he had leukemia. Two months later my thing happened so we kind of talked off and on checking on each other till that day. 2 days later I sent him a text and we haven't went a day without talking since. Now he has become one of my bestest friends and we are currently dating. We started dating on April 22. I can't really tell you how it started. It was suppose to be friends that needed someone to talk. I've never been happier. And he has been really amazing with me an my vision. If things don't work out with us I hope we do stay friends because of the friendship we did develop. And he also has set a standard for future guys if there is. And I'm not going to say I hope there isn't because it's way too early for that. But he's amazing. He has a little girl who is adorable as anything, a mom that I love to death and I haven't met his sister yet but I'm sure I'll love her too. He reached me when no one else couldn and that I am thankful. Will be forever in his debt. And they say facebook is a bad thing... I'll have to disagree.
Ok I'm done for the night. I'm off to bed Might not write again till friday or saturday. <3