So it has been almost a year since I've updated this blog. I use to do it all the time but life had finally taken over. I started school back in August. I was SO freaked out. You know my first semester back at school with no vision. But on my first day I got some really encouraging thing happen. First I called my best friend of like 15 or so years and she was trying to call me down. While talk to our of no where and all of sudden the sky opened up and rain just fell. So as all of you know from my past, that was Charlie encouraging me. All I remember is saying Erin its raining and she was like what have I told you, its all going to be okay! So on my way to school, riding and talking with my dad, I can only imagine comes on. That song we played at my uncle's funeral. Talk about signs.
So my first night class and I'm sitting there, I don't know what is going on. The teacher put us into groups. I was meant to be in that class room at that time I believe because I met Malik Tanner. Someone else who has lived her whole life legally blind. It's going on 9 months since I met her and I can't imagine my life without her. She really has become one of my best friends. People laugh when they hear us talk to each other. (it's not very nice) but we have fun. I started talking to this guy Steven that I've known forever but things were getting really weird and I noticed that he was playing games with me. His "woman" also got out of jail.
The best thing about that is I got my old friend back. The other is my cousin calls me up and ask how I feel about blind dates. Hilarious right? Well I went and we have been together since. His name is Josh Root and he is absolutely amazing. I'm already attached to his family. His nieces and his nephew are so adorable. I absolutely adore his mom. Though we have our moments, I love him.
I finish my first semester at school with 2 B's and 2 C's. Which I guess isn't bad. My second semester didn't start off really good. In February we lost my aunt due to heart and lung failure, I believe. It was very very unexpected. I don't think I will never forget that day. I know my cousin and grandma won't either. I was getting ready to go out of town with Josh and some friends for Valentine's weekend, when my cousin called telling me she needed me. All it took was those three words "I need you" and I was there. I was trying not to freak out but what else can you do with you get that kind of phone call and your aren't there? Well we made it down there in record time it felt like. Passed the ambulance on the way there. It was horrible losing her. I think about her often as I do Robbie and Charlie. Anytime I had the dogs outside I think of her. We use to walk around the barn with the dogs.
These services was great. Except for a few things that I wish I could tell you what it is but then I would be accused of putting too much up on facebook again. Funny that that gets said about me but the only stuff you see on there is about church, school or how I am. Or doctor appointments. Anyways... my grandma went to the beach right after the funeral. She ended up in the hospital with congestive heart failure and pneumonia. We thought we were going to lose her too. But she is back home after months of being down there and is doing great!
She still has her moments as we all do. Just the other day I was out to lunch with my cousin and she told Tanner said I miss my ninny. I felt the tears coming. But we all are doing good I think. My cousin was in her first semester of school when it happened and she still managed to make the President's List.
To end my semester with once again 2 B's and 2 C's. However I am very pleased with that with all that I had to do. Write a 32 page book, deal with the death of my aunt, deal with a academic advisor who believe people with disabilities shouldn't be working with children. I think my first year in school was quite a success.
I have made some amazing new friends. One's that don't just walk away from you either. I've gotten where I'm so tired of friends just walking away and expecting to come back and pick up right where we left off. I've learned a lot in the last 3 years if you haven't noticed. And one of those is never take people for granted. I lost Charlie, and yes were in a relationship but we were more friends than anything. I miss him like crazy, the connection we had, you almost never get that. I miss his mom, sister and Caitlyn too. I haven't talked or seen them in a really long time. I have other things going on but I think I need to deal with them first before posting them on here. Anyways, I'm signing off here. I hope for now on I can update this.
Thursday, May 2, 2013
Saturday, June 9, 2012
Things that have been going on
Hello to all (if anyone still reads this)! I can't remember the last time I wrote something. I do have a lot to say this time I believe. And I apologize in advance if I jump from topic to topic.
Let me start with I'm officially a student again! I'm excited and nervous all at the same time. I'm ready to be done with it. I've been ready to be done with it. I'm excited because I will be getting out of the house and possibly making new friends. It seems I've lost a lot of my other friends. Which I'll get to later. I'm nervous because of the obvious reasons. I don't want people to look at me like a freak. I've gotten where i'm comfortable with it. I can tell people about it, talk about, and joke about it (even if some people can take it a little TOO far). But anyways I am excited because when I get to "student teach" I can pick which school I want to go to, I can even pick the SC school for the deaf and blind, which is awesome! Well I think anyways :)
I am teaching/helping in Sunday school now. I help with the 4/5 yr olds. Those kids are so awesome. Of course the boys can be a little rowdy but they are sweet. The girls are just too sweet. There is Laurie Grace who loves looking in my locket and telling people who is in there. She loves to bring stuff animals to the class and her favorite color is pink. Maura, who has a very unique name. When I first saw it. My first thought was Laura. Lol. Then there is our little energizer bunny, Grace. That child if you are in a bad mood and can't smile when you are when you are around her, then something is majorly wrong with you. She is so happy and hyper. I love it there.
For the most part I believe I am happy. I have my days don't get me wrong. For the first time I feel like my life is on the right track. I hate the way it has gone. I miss Charlie everyday. I know he is watching over me everyday. I will always love him. He will always hold a special place in my heart as you all know, as will his family, who I love dearly and feel like they are my own. I miss my uncle dearly. I wish he was here at family functions laughing and joking with us. Also to see his daughter graduate college. He would/is so proud of her. As we all are. I miss my friends. I've had so many things happen thats in your face be thankful for who you have in your life. About 3 weeks ago i believe I had to say goodbye to another friend. Her and her fiance were killed in a motorcycle wreck. And I even knew who her fiance was. She was my first friend at Applebee's when I moved from the beach. As I was standing there watching the dvd I couldn't help but overhear a coversation someone was having about them two.. It made me realize that I miss that feeling. I remember clearly what it feels like. But I miss the butterflies in the stomach, the feeling like a teenager just because they held your hand. That's when I realized I was ready to move on. Not saying I wasn't before but I was kind of skeptical but I know I am now. I guess I just have to wait.
Anyways maybe I didn't have a lot to say. But that is what's been on my mind lately. Love you all! :)
Let me start with I'm officially a student again! I'm excited and nervous all at the same time. I'm ready to be done with it. I've been ready to be done with it. I'm excited because I will be getting out of the house and possibly making new friends. It seems I've lost a lot of my other friends. Which I'll get to later. I'm nervous because of the obvious reasons. I don't want people to look at me like a freak. I've gotten where i'm comfortable with it. I can tell people about it, talk about, and joke about it (even if some people can take it a little TOO far). But anyways I am excited because when I get to "student teach" I can pick which school I want to go to, I can even pick the SC school for the deaf and blind, which is awesome! Well I think anyways :)
I am teaching/helping in Sunday school now. I help with the 4/5 yr olds. Those kids are so awesome. Of course the boys can be a little rowdy but they are sweet. The girls are just too sweet. There is Laurie Grace who loves looking in my locket and telling people who is in there. She loves to bring stuff animals to the class and her favorite color is pink. Maura, who has a very unique name. When I first saw it. My first thought was Laura. Lol. Then there is our little energizer bunny, Grace. That child if you are in a bad mood and can't smile when you are when you are around her, then something is majorly wrong with you. She is so happy and hyper. I love it there.
For the most part I believe I am happy. I have my days don't get me wrong. For the first time I feel like my life is on the right track. I hate the way it has gone. I miss Charlie everyday. I know he is watching over me everyday. I will always love him. He will always hold a special place in my heart as you all know, as will his family, who I love dearly and feel like they are my own. I miss my uncle dearly. I wish he was here at family functions laughing and joking with us. Also to see his daughter graduate college. He would/is so proud of her. As we all are. I miss my friends. I've had so many things happen thats in your face be thankful for who you have in your life. About 3 weeks ago i believe I had to say goodbye to another friend. Her and her fiance were killed in a motorcycle wreck. And I even knew who her fiance was. She was my first friend at Applebee's when I moved from the beach. As I was standing there watching the dvd I couldn't help but overhear a coversation someone was having about them two.. It made me realize that I miss that feeling. I remember clearly what it feels like. But I miss the butterflies in the stomach, the feeling like a teenager just because they held your hand. That's when I realized I was ready to move on. Not saying I wasn't before but I was kind of skeptical but I know I am now. I guess I just have to wait.
Anyways maybe I didn't have a lot to say. But that is what's been on my mind lately. Love you all! :)
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Shattered Glass
I’ve been wanting to write and I just didn’t really know what to write about till I read this one imparticular thing and its not even related to stuff I’ve been going through…. well maybe a little it is.. It would be more for my past than anything. I’ve been reading this book called “The Five People You Meet in Heaven” by Mitch Albom if you haven’t read it I highly suggest it. It so interesting. Anyways there something I read that caught my eye in it. And I use to have this notebook that if something like this did that I wrote it down. But I can’t see to write on lines. But I just have to share it and share my thoughts on it.
“All parents damage their children. It cannot be helped. Youth, like pristine glass, absorbs the prints of its handlers. Some parents smudge, others crack and few shatter childhoods completely into jagged little pieces, beyond repair.”
I find this to be very true. Though I don’t think it just stops at childhood. I believe it goes on. I think our entire lives are like glass and it isn’t just our parents who do the cracking either. It’s the world we live. Girls trying to be the perfect size, guys wanting to be the biggest guy on the team. The pressure starts when we are little. I know some people who have the smudges are very lucky. The cracks are safe. The people who have had their life shattered are some of the strongest people you will ever meet. My whole life seems to be in nothing but shards of glass every where. Starting with my home life, going through friends, guys, health and deaths. It seems once I start picking up the pieces and putting it back together something happens and shatters those pieces. So I try all over again. -
The one person in my life that shattered my life was my mom. She started the cracks before I was even 2. Many people know my history with my mom and some don’t. Some think we have a good relationhip but honestly it’s not that great. When I was little she gave me up to my dad because she was on drugs. Which is that best thing she could have done for me. From then on out she was in and out of my life. She lived in Columbia for a while and then moved back up here. Once again getting hooked back on drugs. Growing up I wasn’t a dumb child when it came to that stuff. They would talk about it around me thinking I wouldn’t figure it out or smoke it in another part of the house and tell me it was somethiung else. Like I said I wasn’t stupid. I even went looking for it one day. And if she had had a phone I would of call the cops. I don’t remember how I was when she finally admitted to me about smoking weed but I do remember her words to me. “One day you will come to me asking me for a dime bag cause you are getting more and more like me every day and I smoke a joint every day,” from that day forward I promised I wo uld never touch anything like that.
My mom was prone to disappearing all the time and stealing from my grandparents. Somewhere around my 9th grade year she took a friend and I to a crack house. We both felt so uneasy and knew something was wrong with that place. And come to find out later she had taken me to another one before too. Well one day she had taken off in my grandma’s car. We went looking for her, basically went straight to her. I’ll never forget her appearance. She came out looking all wired up in a white shirt with black smudges all over it where she had been smoking all night. The next day she showed up wanting to talk and I wouldn’t speak to her. I didn’t want to. She wanted to get help. Eventually I did talk to her and she went into the hospital and ended up in Patrick B. Harris for 12 weeks I believe.
She eventually got out of there and moved back to Columbia where she was doing so well at least I thought she was. The next year my grandpa died from cancer. On the day the passed, she dropped me off at school and said she would be back to pick me up when school was over.(which at the time he had not passed yet). She never returned to pick me up. I never saw her till the next day. She did call and came up with the story of being carjacked and raped and had to drive the person to Charleston and no one believed her. We knew what she had done. After that it was just crazy. Anyways I’m trying not to make this too incredibly long. In the end (which I’m not saying it is all her fault other things played in there too) I tried to overdose on pills. There were multiple factors in there. But my dad and I went through family therapy and she came to ONE session. She was in jail when I graduated because of back child support and that August we got in this argument, where everything was finally let out. It escaladed to the point of where she had me back against the stove and her hand raised threatening me. I remember pushing her. The cops where called and I was so scared because I was 18 and I technically put my hands on her first I was going to jail. Chuck Wright, before he was sheriff told her the threat was more than enough.
She clean now or so I think. And we do have a relationhip. But not the typical mother/daughter relationhip. If I need to talk or need something it’s my dad, my grandma or even Rosemary (Charlie’s mom) that I go to first. That glass of hers was shattered a long time ago and it will never be put back together fully and even it was there will always be chips in it and one wrong move the whole thing can crumble. She says she knows and she regrets what she did and she will take what I give her. But she tries. I guess I can’t blame her. To me she tries too much and tries to make her out to this person that does all this stuff for me or cares but she may now but where was she when I needed her. I’m 27 I needed her growing up. But I am thankful for the people I do have. I’m so glad I had a dad like I did and people llike Rosemary who are willing to be my “other” mom when I need it.
“All parents damage their children. It cannot be helped. Youth, like pristine glass, absorbs the prints of its handlers. Some parents smudge, others crack and few shatter childhoods completely into jagged little pieces, beyond repair.”
I find this to be very true. Though I don’t think it just stops at childhood. I believe it goes on. I think our entire lives are like glass and it isn’t just our parents who do the cracking either. It’s the world we live. Girls trying to be the perfect size, guys wanting to be the biggest guy on the team. The pressure starts when we are little. I know some people who have the smudges are very lucky. The cracks are safe. The people who have had their life shattered are some of the strongest people you will ever meet. My whole life seems to be in nothing but shards of glass every where. Starting with my home life, going through friends, guys, health and deaths. It seems once I start picking up the pieces and putting it back together something happens and shatters those pieces. So I try all over again. -
The one person in my life that shattered my life was my mom. She started the cracks before I was even 2. Many people know my history with my mom and some don’t. Some think we have a good relationhip but honestly it’s not that great. When I was little she gave me up to my dad because she was on drugs. Which is that best thing she could have done for me. From then on out she was in and out of my life. She lived in Columbia for a while and then moved back up here. Once again getting hooked back on drugs. Growing up I wasn’t a dumb child when it came to that stuff. They would talk about it around me thinking I wouldn’t figure it out or smoke it in another part of the house and tell me it was somethiung else. Like I said I wasn’t stupid. I even went looking for it one day. And if she had had a phone I would of call the cops. I don’t remember how I was when she finally admitted to me about smoking weed but I do remember her words to me. “One day you will come to me asking me for a dime bag cause you are getting more and more like me every day and I smoke a joint every day,” from that day forward I promised I wo uld never touch anything like that.
My mom was prone to disappearing all the time and stealing from my grandparents. Somewhere around my 9th grade year she took a friend and I to a crack house. We both felt so uneasy and knew something was wrong with that place. And come to find out later she had taken me to another one before too. Well one day she had taken off in my grandma’s car. We went looking for her, basically went straight to her. I’ll never forget her appearance. She came out looking all wired up in a white shirt with black smudges all over it where she had been smoking all night. The next day she showed up wanting to talk and I wouldn’t speak to her. I didn’t want to. She wanted to get help. Eventually I did talk to her and she went into the hospital and ended up in Patrick B. Harris for 12 weeks I believe.
She eventually got out of there and moved back to Columbia where she was doing so well at least I thought she was. The next year my grandpa died from cancer. On the day the passed, she dropped me off at school and said she would be back to pick me up when school was over.(which at the time he had not passed yet). She never returned to pick me up. I never saw her till the next day. She did call and came up with the story of being carjacked and raped and had to drive the person to Charleston and no one believed her. We knew what she had done. After that it was just crazy. Anyways I’m trying not to make this too incredibly long. In the end (which I’m not saying it is all her fault other things played in there too) I tried to overdose on pills. There were multiple factors in there. But my dad and I went through family therapy and she came to ONE session. She was in jail when I graduated because of back child support and that August we got in this argument, where everything was finally let out. It escaladed to the point of where she had me back against the stove and her hand raised threatening me. I remember pushing her. The cops where called and I was so scared because I was 18 and I technically put my hands on her first I was going to jail. Chuck Wright, before he was sheriff told her the threat was more than enough.
She clean now or so I think. And we do have a relationhip. But not the typical mother/daughter relationhip. If I need to talk or need something it’s my dad, my grandma or even Rosemary (Charlie’s mom) that I go to first. That glass of hers was shattered a long time ago and it will never be put back together fully and even it was there will always be chips in it and one wrong move the whole thing can crumble. She says she knows and she regrets what she did and she will take what I give her. But she tries. I guess I can’t blame her. To me she tries too much and tries to make her out to this person that does all this stuff for me or cares but she may now but where was she when I needed her. I’m 27 I needed her growing up. But I am thankful for the people I do have. I’m so glad I had a dad like I did and people llike Rosemary who are willing to be my “other” mom when I need it.
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
My December! I figured I needed to write again since I haven’t since Thanksgiving. Since then of course my birthday happened, Christmas and New Years. Before all of those events happened I made a big decision in my life. I decided to stop fighting and I have now been put on anti-depressants. I’ve been fighting against this for a while. Since way before my uncle and Charlie passed. So far it has worked out great. I get along better with my dad and my mom. And if I tell you anything you know my relationhips with both of them. I talk to my mom more now that I use to. My dad and have went a month without arguing. I feel like I do laugh a lot more. I still have my days don’t get me wrong. I know they aren’t the answer or going to fix everything, but I believe they were a step in the right direction. One thing that I was told by two very dear people and I’ve learned it’s okay to not be okay.
I figured I needed to write again since I haven’t since Thanksgiving. Since then of course my birthday happened, Christmas and New Years. Before all of those events happened I made a big decision in my life. I decided to stop fighting and I have now been put on anti-depressants. I’ve been fighting against this for a while. Since way before my uncle and Charlie passed. So far it has worked out great. I get along better with my dad and my mom. And if I tell you anything you know my relationhips with both of them. I talk to my mom more now that I use to. My dad and have went a month without arguing. I feel like I do laugh a lot more. I still have my days don’t get me wrong. I know they aren’t the answer or going to fix everything, but I believe they were a step in the right direction. One thing that I was told by two very dear people and I’ve learned it’s okay to not be okay.
The first event of December was Rosemary’s birthday. We both felt the same way about our birthdays and Christmas this year. We didn’t want to celebrate. So we decided to do it together. We got together with Holly(her daughter), Jennifer Isbell, and Karen (her mother in law) and went and ate at Applebee’s where we had cake and she opened presents. Six days later was my birthday and we did it all over again. Except the mother in law. That night we had a little Chirstmas thing for people close to Charlie who were here in town or we were in touch with. It was rather small and fun. It’s hard to decide if Charlie would of liked it or not. He hated crowds but I can’t help but think he would have had fun. I got a penquin ornament. It’s so cute. Soon as I can find a place it’s going to be hung up and be up all year long. It was a really fun night. Sometime in between the midst of all these things going on I made the decision I wanted to go to Charlie’s grave. I haven’t been back to since the day we buried him. I think it’s time and it might do me some good. So one day soon I will go up there. The day after all of this Kim wanted to have a birthday dinner/party me, I just had to pick the place (which of course was Fatz). I laughed so hard that night I cried. It was so much fun to be there with my friends and have another carefree night. Thanks to everyone who came and especially Kim for wanting to throw it for me. And much needed thanks for everyone Rosemary, Kim, Holly, Kayla and whoever else that made my birthday special... oh and I even got my present from Heaven! Rain!
Christmas came all to quickly. It was bittersweet. Every Christmas my uncle woould read Twas the night before Christmas to the younger kids while the adults cleaned up. Last year his speech was good enough to do it and this year it was like a void there. Though I know he the best Christmas of all. My grandma and I spent Christmas day in church. After I got home I went straight to bed and didn’t leave there for 3 days. That’s one way I know I will have bad days.
My doctor just uped the dosage on the medicine, it’s only been a few days so we will see how it will turns out. I’m starting to read again. I’m currently reading that book 5 people you meet in Heaven. It’s very interesting so far.
Oh Oh I did keep my New Year’s resolution from last year, which was no hospital stays. I didn’t really make one up for this year, except maybe to be happy. Like I said the past two years have been pure hell with few happy moments… It’s about time for something to go right in my life right?
The first event of December was Rosemary’s birthday. We both felt the same way about our birthdays and Christmas this year. We didn’t want to celebrate. So we decided to do it together. We got together with Holly(her daughter), Jennifer Isbell, and Karen (her mother in law) and went and ate at Applebee’s where we had cake and she opened presents. Six days later was my birthday and we did it all over again. Except the mother in law. That night we had a little Chirstmas thing for people close to Charlie who were here in town or we were in touch with. It was rather small and fun. It’s hard to decide if Charlie would of liked it or not. He hated crowds but I can’t help but think he would have had fun. I got a penquin ornament. It’s so cute. Soon as I can find a place it’s going to be hung up and be up all year long. It was a really fun night. Sometime in between the midst of all these things going on I made the decision I wanted to go to Charlie’s grave. I haven’t been back to since the day we buried him. I think it’s time and it might do me some good. So one day soon I will go up there. The day after all of this Kim wanted to have a birthday dinner/party me, I just had to pick the place (which of course was Fatz). I laughed so hard that night I cried. It was so much fun to be there with my friends and have another carefree night. Thanks to everyone who came and especially Kim for wanting to throw it for me. And much needed thanks for everyone Rosemary, Kim, Holly, Kayla and whoever else that made my birthday special... oh and I even got my present from Heaven! Rain!
Christmas came all to quickly. It was bittersweet. Every Christmas my uncle woould read Twas the night before Christmas to the younger kids while the adults cleaned up. Last year his speech was good enough to do it and this year it was like a void there. Though I know he the best Christmas of all. My grandma and I spent Christmas day in church. After I got home I went straight to bed and didn’t leave there for 3 days. That’s one way I know I will have bad days.
My doctor just uped the dosage on the medicine, it’s only been a few days so we will see how it will turns out. I’m starting to read again. I’m currently reading that book 5 people you meet in Heaven. It’s very interesting so far.
Oh Oh I did keep my New Year’s resolution from last year, which was no hospital stays. I didn’t really make one up for this year, except maybe to be happy. Like I said the past two years have been pure hell with few happy moments… It’s about time for something to go right in my life right?
Friday, November 25, 2011
First Thanksgiving without my uncle among other things.
I hate death.
And I’m not the type of person to hate anything. But in this case I think it’s safe to say it’s okay to hate that. I know we are suppose to rejoice in it. Cause the ones who have passed on are in Heaven and are better and no longer in pain. This might sound selfish and in some cases I’ve been called a selfish person… but what about our pain here, the ones left behind? It just sucks. I guess I’m just in a mood since it’s the holidays.
Yesterday was Thanksgiving. The first one without my uncle. It was different. My uncle Patrick, Aunt Sandra and the kids are in Alabama so we had them missing.. so it just didn’t feel like Thanksgiving. I was laying in bed this morning remembering last years and it was when my vision started messing up again. When we had no clue what was going on and the topic of surgery came up with me. One of my best friends was in the hospitals about to give birth to her first son. Things were so different.
I remember sitting on my aunt’s couch and my uncle getting on his knees to talk to me about everything. Cause he couldn’t walk to me. And if I remember correctly we had just not long found out his tumor and the cancer was gone. They did all kind of scans and test and it was gone. It was a miracle to us. So he was trying to give me the courage to believe everything was going to be okay. Little did we koow it was going to be our last Thanksgiving with him. There is definitely a hole in our family now.
But this Thanksgiving of course just didn’t feel right. We did have Dana there and Kim who lived next door to him and helped them so much. As we sat there and watched the Miami and Dallas game. We laughed and joked about the game at how Robbie hated the cowboys. And he would make fun of Tony Romo. Of course the Carolina/Clemson game came up. He loved his Gamecocks. And Dana is all about Clemson. So I can’t say it was a bad day. We had some laughs. I did sit there with my little cousin Elizabeth and ask her about school, what she was learning. She’s in 5th grade and she is learning, about people who invented things and the oceans lines stuff like that. So I questioned her. We talked about Benjamin Franklin and Mount Everest. Haha.
On a better note, I am doing a lot better I think. Mentally that is. Dealing with everything. The holidays are going to be hard. But I’m getting there. I have been seeing Rosemary and Holly at least once a week, which I love doing. I have so much fun with them. I got to see Caitlyn the other week. She is a babydoll. We took her to the park. She just had a ball playing up and down the slides and screaming. I did get to her talk to me once. I asked her what she was watching and she said Bob bob (Spongebob). she can brighten anybodies day. But I am doing good. I’ve been working on a project of mine that’s been helping and about to start another one that’s going to help me in other ways.
I know as it gets closer to my birthday and Christmas, it’s going to get harder. For the obvious reasons for Christmas. But when it was Charlie’s birthday we would argue (not really argue) over money limits for birthdays and the fact my birthday is so close to Christmas that I didn’t need two things and he would say I did. We were both stubborn and never let up on that. Maybe its silly to think about it. But it was a fun time for us. And it’s a memory, a fun one. I cherish it. His mom and I feel the same way about our birthdays and Christmas. Our birthdays are only 6 days apart. I’m not sure if I’m doing anything for my birthday this year. I haven’t really put much thought into it and really am not to excited to celebrate. Plus every year my birthday puts people in bind with other obligations. I’d rather not go through the hassle. Last year was a big deal to me. This year not so much. But anywys. I wanted to update since I haven’t in a while. I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving. Much love to everyone!
And I’m not the type of person to hate anything. But in this case I think it’s safe to say it’s okay to hate that. I know we are suppose to rejoice in it. Cause the ones who have passed on are in Heaven and are better and no longer in pain. This might sound selfish and in some cases I’ve been called a selfish person… but what about our pain here, the ones left behind? It just sucks. I guess I’m just in a mood since it’s the holidays.
Yesterday was Thanksgiving. The first one without my uncle. It was different. My uncle Patrick, Aunt Sandra and the kids are in Alabama so we had them missing.. so it just didn’t feel like Thanksgiving. I was laying in bed this morning remembering last years and it was when my vision started messing up again. When we had no clue what was going on and the topic of surgery came up with me. One of my best friends was in the hospitals about to give birth to her first son. Things were so different.
I remember sitting on my aunt’s couch and my uncle getting on his knees to talk to me about everything. Cause he couldn’t walk to me. And if I remember correctly we had just not long found out his tumor and the cancer was gone. They did all kind of scans and test and it was gone. It was a miracle to us. So he was trying to give me the courage to believe everything was going to be okay. Little did we koow it was going to be our last Thanksgiving with him. There is definitely a hole in our family now.
But this Thanksgiving of course just didn’t feel right. We did have Dana there and Kim who lived next door to him and helped them so much. As we sat there and watched the Miami and Dallas game. We laughed and joked about the game at how Robbie hated the cowboys. And he would make fun of Tony Romo. Of course the Carolina/Clemson game came up. He loved his Gamecocks. And Dana is all about Clemson. So I can’t say it was a bad day. We had some laughs. I did sit there with my little cousin Elizabeth and ask her about school, what she was learning. She’s in 5th grade and she is learning, about people who invented things and the oceans lines stuff like that. So I questioned her. We talked about Benjamin Franklin and Mount Everest. Haha.
On a better note, I am doing a lot better I think. Mentally that is. Dealing with everything. The holidays are going to be hard. But I’m getting there. I have been seeing Rosemary and Holly at least once a week, which I love doing. I have so much fun with them. I got to see Caitlyn the other week. She is a babydoll. We took her to the park. She just had a ball playing up and down the slides and screaming. I did get to her talk to me once. I asked her what she was watching and she said Bob bob (Spongebob). she can brighten anybodies day. But I am doing good. I’ve been working on a project of mine that’s been helping and about to start another one that’s going to help me in other ways.
I know as it gets closer to my birthday and Christmas, it’s going to get harder. For the obvious reasons for Christmas. But when it was Charlie’s birthday we would argue (not really argue) over money limits for birthdays and the fact my birthday is so close to Christmas that I didn’t need two things and he would say I did. We were both stubborn and never let up on that. Maybe its silly to think about it. But it was a fun time for us. And it’s a memory, a fun one. I cherish it. His mom and I feel the same way about our birthdays and Christmas. Our birthdays are only 6 days apart. I’m not sure if I’m doing anything for my birthday this year. I haven’t really put much thought into it and really am not to excited to celebrate. Plus every year my birthday puts people in bind with other obligations. I’d rather not go through the hassle. Last year was a big deal to me. This year not so much. But anywys. I wanted to update since I haven’t in a while. I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving. Much love to everyone!
Monday, October 24, 2011
Getting things off my mind....
I know it’s been since I wrote about the beach since I’ve updated the blog. I’m going to be honest. I’ve been cheating on the blog with two other writing things. None which no one will get read by anyone (sorry guys). It’s my way of dealing with stuff. I’m also not going to lie, things have been hard lately. It’s not getting easier. Time suppose to heal right? I know it has worked before but this time I think its going to take a lot longer. For one it was just one person it was two within a month and it was Charlie. I’m not saying he was more special than my uncle. I think I had more time to prepare for him. I knew a year and half ago that with good treatment he had 3 years. Charlie’s we had hope. I think of him often and when I say often I mean everyday. a lot of things that go on in my life remind me of him. His bear sits beside my bed. I listen to his playlist we both kind of made a lot. I often wonder where we would be today. I’ve fallen in love with his family. They are great. On Oct 13th we got together and did a Light the Night Walk. The Leukemia and Lymphoma Society put it on at Furman University. Our team’s name was Charlie’s Angels. Our team came in 2nd with raising over 2,000 dollars. I think, if I remember correctly, over the span of all the walks that were put on over U.S. over 100,000 dollars raised or something like that. Which is awesome. Leukemia doesn’t get recognized as much as it should. I’ve learned a few things. Like every 4 mins someone gets diagnosed and every 10 mins someone dies. or is it vice versa? I get those numbers switched. I know they are right just not sure which spot they go in. Don’t get my wrong. I have a best friend whose mom is a breast cancer survivor, my grandmother is a ovarian cancer survivor and another friend;s mom just got done with treatments for ovarian cancer. But it’s sad that there are a lot of cancers that don’t get recognized as much as others. They are all bad.
But anyways. Yes I’ve been down. I believe I go to his facebook everyday. I still have his last set of text him my phone. I won’t read those because they were when things got bad between us and his was so mean to me. But every now and then I will charge my other phone and look at those. The ones I will probably never get rid of. The Charlie I fell for. The Charlie I got to know. Sometimes I’ll sit there and I’ll think of the days I would visit him and remember the movies we watched and the conversations we had. I think I’m scared it I don’t remember those I’ll forget them. I remember my first visit with him ever. First time I had seem him in 8 years, I had an appt at the cancer with my blood doctor after our visit. and it was his first time ever making usre I didn’t trip or fall.I think we were both nervous. He said he would make sure he fell before I did. Of course I didn’t want that. He didn’t need to fall and I didn’t need to. So I think right there started our protectiveness over each other. All we did was talk about the hospitals and all that jazz. We just had that instant connection. By our next visit oh something had started between us. We both had admitted to each other about knowing something was there but wasn’t sure about going for it. Anyways, On our next visit, we watched Walk the Line, in which he held my hand. My inner teenage girl was so freakin excited! I hadn’t been like that over anyone is suck a long time. I remember my stomach having the funny feeling in. And I believe that day he also made me a cd. That I will cherish forever. We both had that love for music. That’s another thing that connected us together. We talked a lot about movies and music. So go figure our first movie was Walk the Line. Johnny and June will never be the same. I even got him to listen to that country song Johnny and June and he said he loved that song.
He gave me the courage to do things. I never had fear when I was with him. He got me to go see my first movie in the theaters with my vision the way it is. That was Rio. Cute movie. I bought it. It came out not long after he passed away. Its still in the plastic. I can’t bring myself to open and watch it. I’m afraid I’ll cry. I’ve been talking to his sister Holly a lot lately. It helps. We are actually talking about going to the movies soon. So it will be good for my next adventure to the movies to be with her. Everyone is having it rough. I think we all are dealing with it the best we can. His mom and I talked about how its getting harder than easier. I know it takes more than a day, a week, a month, and in her case it could take years. But I just wish it didn’t have to at all. I said this to someone one day. I’d rather deal with the heartache of losing him, as a boyfriend and friend, than losing him forever.
The more I think about him the more I do wonder if I will be okay. I tell people I will be. But I’m not so sure. I know one day, maybe, I need to move on. Cause I know he wouldn’t want me to be alone. I mean two days before he passed he told me himself I will make someone very happy one day. I know some people are thinking you didn’t date very long or whatever.. But you didn’t see or know the connection we had. It was strong and it was fast. Nothing like anything I’ve dealt with in the past. I just hope he’s okay. I believe he is. I believe he is watching over me, his mom, dad, Holly, Jane, Billy, Jennifer, Riley, Chris, Brian, anyone else he was close to and especially his beautiful little Blue Bear, Caitlyn. Who just turned 2. It breaks my heart he won’t be here physcially to see her grow up.. But she will know who her faither is, and how great of a man he was.
Writing helps get it out. Today was one of those days I had to get it out. Thanks for listening!
But anyways. Yes I’ve been down. I believe I go to his facebook everyday. I still have his last set of text him my phone. I won’t read those because they were when things got bad between us and his was so mean to me. But every now and then I will charge my other phone and look at those. The ones I will probably never get rid of. The Charlie I fell for. The Charlie I got to know. Sometimes I’ll sit there and I’ll think of the days I would visit him and remember the movies we watched and the conversations we had. I think I’m scared it I don’t remember those I’ll forget them. I remember my first visit with him ever. First time I had seem him in 8 years, I had an appt at the cancer with my blood doctor after our visit. and it was his first time ever making usre I didn’t trip or fall.I think we were both nervous. He said he would make sure he fell before I did. Of course I didn’t want that. He didn’t need to fall and I didn’t need to. So I think right there started our protectiveness over each other. All we did was talk about the hospitals and all that jazz. We just had that instant connection. By our next visit oh something had started between us. We both had admitted to each other about knowing something was there but wasn’t sure about going for it. Anyways, On our next visit, we watched Walk the Line, in which he held my hand. My inner teenage girl was so freakin excited! I hadn’t been like that over anyone is suck a long time. I remember my stomach having the funny feeling in. And I believe that day he also made me a cd. That I will cherish forever. We both had that love for music. That’s another thing that connected us together. We talked a lot about movies and music. So go figure our first movie was Walk the Line. Johnny and June will never be the same. I even got him to listen to that country song Johnny and June and he said he loved that song.
He gave me the courage to do things. I never had fear when I was with him. He got me to go see my first movie in the theaters with my vision the way it is. That was Rio. Cute movie. I bought it. It came out not long after he passed away. Its still in the plastic. I can’t bring myself to open and watch it. I’m afraid I’ll cry. I’ve been talking to his sister Holly a lot lately. It helps. We are actually talking about going to the movies soon. So it will be good for my next adventure to the movies to be with her. Everyone is having it rough. I think we all are dealing with it the best we can. His mom and I talked about how its getting harder than easier. I know it takes more than a day, a week, a month, and in her case it could take years. But I just wish it didn’t have to at all. I said this to someone one day. I’d rather deal with the heartache of losing him, as a boyfriend and friend, than losing him forever.
The more I think about him the more I do wonder if I will be okay. I tell people I will be. But I’m not so sure. I know one day, maybe, I need to move on. Cause I know he wouldn’t want me to be alone. I mean two days before he passed he told me himself I will make someone very happy one day. I know some people are thinking you didn’t date very long or whatever.. But you didn’t see or know the connection we had. It was strong and it was fast. Nothing like anything I’ve dealt with in the past. I just hope he’s okay. I believe he is. I believe he is watching over me, his mom, dad, Holly, Jane, Billy, Jennifer, Riley, Chris, Brian, anyone else he was close to and especially his beautiful little Blue Bear, Caitlyn. Who just turned 2. It breaks my heart he won’t be here physcially to see her grow up.. But she will know who her faither is, and how great of a man he was.
Writing helps get it out. Today was one of those days I had to get it out. Thanks for listening!
Saturday, October 1, 2011
My 12 day get- away!
Sorry I haven't really been writing much lately.. Some things have been going on..... With me personally... but anyways. I had said I would write about my beach trip and that is what I amm doing.
On September 1, I had a check up in Charleston (which I got good news!) The news was that I could see a little bit better out of my right eye, which is my most damaged eye. I thought after all the stress I had been under and the crying it had gotten worse. I still don't see a difference. But according the charts and what I could read it's gotten a little better.
Anyways, also that day I went an hour and half away from there to Myrtle Beach. To my friend Jenifer's house, where I use to live to visit for 12 days. When I got back and hack and had to get my inr checked, the lady, who I adore, was talking to me about it she said I didn't go on vacation it was a getaway. I instantly felt better. I was 4 hours away from all the sadness and stress of everything. Though the trip did bring some sadness with it. I had been putting off my beach trip since April or May for Charlie. Because when I was at the beach, he was suppose to be in Charleston getting the tramsplant. So of course I thought of him a lot. But he is always on my mind. That's aaother update to come.
The first thing I did when I arrived there was go to the beach. My dad took Jessica and I(Jessica is one of my awesome friends who takes time out of her schedule and goes to Charleston which us in case I got to go to the restroom, in case you don't know her) to the beach. I started feeling nostalgic for when I use to live there. And this time seeing the ocean my vision didn't act funny which was awesome. After that he took me to where I was staying. Now the people I was staying are really great people. Like a another family to me. I seem to have a lot of those.
My full day there, I got a tattoo. My first one ever. I had this plan for a while just didn't know for sure if I was going to get it then or not. I have nothing against tattoos obviously but I don't believe in just getting them just because eveyone else is getting them. I've always said if I got one I wanted it to mean something to me. Well a month or so before I went I came up with something I wanted. A cross with angel wings. I wanted the eyes in the wings but the eyes are too big so it would have been huge if I had done that. And all the colors been something. Besides the color or the cross. The artist picked that out. The eyes are green... And the reason for that is 1. my eyes are green 2. When looking up color awareness for cancers I came across eye injuries color was green. 3. lymphoma cancer which one of my grandpa's passed away from. It's actually lime green but they told me green would work. Orange is for Charlie (leukemia) Grey is for my uncle (brain cancer) and white is suppose to be an off white color for lung cancer but I guess I can its for bone caner which my other grandpa had both. Also white can stand blindness. It was an expericnce. Wasn't bad as people make it out to be. I'd do it again. The next day we went to broadway at the beach. Where I went to build a bear for the first time ever. And they now have this place called Wonderworks... It looks like an upside down house. And everything looks upside down. I don't know what's on the inside but outside is pretty cool.
I spent most of the week at the house. Jenifer had school. But I had fun. I got to spend time with Mary, Melissa and little miss Caydence. One of those nights we went to the boardwalk, and got ice cream and to see the sky wheel. Which a few nights later went back to so I could get pictures of it with the lights on. That thing is huge. After the week passed that weekend we had it all planned. On that friday Jenifer and I went to Brookgreen Gardens. That place is gorgeous. If you have never been there I highly recommend it. It cost $12 to get in but the tickets are good for 6 days from purchase. Because the place is so huge and you have so much to do. It's actually part of the history of Hungtington Beach. The pagasus is my favorite spot and if I ever get married and have the money to get married there. That spot right there is where I want to get married. They have a zoo, swaps you take a boat through, Jenifer and I had fun cause we kept our eyes out for alligators. They have signs up do not feed or touch alligators... keeps look our for poisonous snakes, alligators, and stinging insects. But that was only near the marsh area. In the gardens they also had a labyrinth. We walked the whole thing. And it some says it symbolizes a new beginning. And what you're suppose to do is as you are walking it think of all the stuff you are thinking been through in the last year and when you get in the middle you take a deep breath and let it all go. It's like a new beginning.
On Saturday we went to Waccatee Zoo. It was Jenifer, Mary, Caydence and I. Caydence was cute trying to feed the animals. She just want to throw it at them. This zoo isn't like any other zoo I've ever been to. All these animals have been donated to them. I don't know which animal I liked more. The one felt more bad for the most was the gorilla. He was in his own little pen alone, far back. We had to stand there for about 10 minutes before I could actually see him. The cute thing about him is he has a dog a pet. The dog you can pet. The dog has one blue eye and one brown eye I believe. But this zoo is like out in the woods. Like way out in the woods. It was neat.
On Sunday, us for we to Hungtington State Park to go to Atalaya's Castle. This is really neat. Who knew South Carolina had a castle here. I sure didn't. Well it's ruins of a castle. This is what I understand and Brookgreen Gardens is part of this story also, Arthur Huntington had it built for his wife because she got sick, I think and the reason why he had it built on the coast is because he believed the salt water had healing powers. This place is so neat. They have some places blocked off like downstairs which it being a castle you can only assume its a dungeon. You can see the servants rooms, their master bedroom, bathroom, kitchen, the icebox, the studio(inside and out) They even have a bathroom with all the original stuff in it.. you just can't go in it. They have it blocked off with like plexi-glass or something like that. But how Brookgreen Gardens comes into it, the wife was a sculptor. Hence the sculptor garden. Another highly recommended place to go.
I came home on the 13th. I hated leaving. My last night there Jenifer and I went to the beach and walked. I got an awesome picture of the ocean with the full moon light on it. But we just walked and talked. Overall I think the trip did me some good. I know I have been through a lot. And needed time away. Now I think I can deal with what I need to. While I was gone I got some thinking done and have some major changes ahead of me. But changes for the good. I can thank Jenifer and her family for having me and letting come down there. And helping me. Cause they really did.
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